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Hi I am back with some news that I hope will bring encouragement to other mums (and dads). My son’s alcoholism has been a source of great sorrow and worry over the last 5 years. He had got to the stage when he could no longer walk properly and his health was in danger. He has gone thru detox and is now in rehab – it is early days at just over 2 months but the change is dramatic. I am getting my lovely son back instead of the drunken abusive demon. He is actually asking after family members and is taking a pride in his appearance. Tough love was hard but I stuck to it always letting him know I loved him but I would not stand for any abuse or threats. I just hope and pray now that this recovery continues for him and I will continue to pray for you all – sending my best wishes and a big hug to you all.
It is so tough but I realised that I was giving money to the addiction not my son so said no and meant it. He has been taken away from the family home by the local police who also warned him about his behaviour. They were fantastic and very supportive. It took a couple of months for the message to sink in but he no longer comes making trouble. BUT all my hopes of a glimmer of recovery have gone as he has met a girl who is also an alcoholic (with mental health issues) and the cooking, football and other interests have all stopped. They just shuffle around with their cans of cider tucked under their arms and have no ambitions or hopes just a terrible day to day existance. So the nightmare goes on………..
Please parents take care of yourselves. I was in the same place with my alcoholic son. It was such a shock at first but the more I covered up for him the worse he got. It was tearing our family apart and my elderly mum who loved him dearly started dreading his visits. No boundary was adhered to in fact he laughed at them and thought we would never enact our threat of eviction. But for health and safety reasons he had to go. I wrote to social services took him to the local authority homeless service and then cried my heart out for a week. He has come to us in a terrible state and I have given him food, warm clothing but no entry to the home. He lived rough for 4 months and I thought my heart would break. He is now, with my help, in a homeless hostel. He has lost 5 stone and looks 15 years older than his real age of 23. He is doing his own laundry, cooking meals and has started a football team. He still goes out begging, looks and smells like a tramp and has no respect for anyone else except other homeless people. The lies he has told and the threats he has made are endless. But I truly believe he may be turning a corner and that the tough love regime has worked. It has enabled my husband and other son to have a happy home life again. He is my first thought on waking and my last prayer at night but no longer does his addiction threaten our family or my sanity. He no longer blames me for his problems and understands his situation is because of his choice. It has been a long haul over 5 years and I just hope and pray the next 5 are years of recovery. Take care everyone, and know that you are not alone.
Lin and Vonnie my heart goes out to you as are both facing such hard decisions. Amanda is right about tough love, she and I have both been there and have suffered accordingly. You do need to take a stand and say no more. I rang the local police, neighbourhood safety officer and the homeless dept at the Local Authority just to find out what assistance was out there for my son. Once I did that it was action stations – we drove him to the homeless unit and he was adamant that he would return home that evening. He did turn up and we did not open the door to him. He started a load of abuse and noise and I had to call the police . They were great, they spoke to him and warned him of his behaviour. He kicked off again while they were still there so they took him away and dropped him 3 miles away with a warning to stay away from the house. The police have (sofar) been back 3 times. He has deffo got the message that I will not permit access to the house – I don’t open the door if I am home alone. He understands now that I meant it when I said his addiction was his problem and his choice. Only he can make it better – I will help him when he truly tries to get well. So I continue on a day to day basis with a heavy heart, every siren I hear I think might be him being blue-lighted to hospital. Every knock on the door makes my heart beat faster and when he turns up he is always rude and obnoxious but I still tell him I love him (normally thru the letter box) – how sad. BUT since he went we are a much more relaxed household and I am no longer scared to be in my own house. Take care. M xxxx
een evicted from 2 hostels for his bad behaviour and I was worried sick he wd still be on the streets in the winter months. However, he called tonight for his personal papers ID etc as he has got another hostel place and is going back on benefits – and this makes me so happy as I now know he must be getting help again. Happy – what a way really to describe a mother’s feelings when she knows a beloved child is living in a homeless hostel – drink and drugs can bring such devastation upon families – I don’t think my son will ever change but hope this tiny change may be the glimmer of a new chapter. I keep praying and hoping for him and all those young desperate people out there who are hooked and cannot escape. Be strong mums for yourself first and then other family members. xx
It is very hard living with an addict and from my experience it will only get worse. I do not recognise the young man who was once my lovely, caring, funny and clever son. He is now a dirty, angry, foul-mouthed and shambling wreck of a man at the age of 22. We made him leave in March, we gave him a letter to say he was homeless and took him to the homeless department of our Local Authority. He has b
Dear mums, it is so tough. I have come to realise that my son is also a manipulative emotional bully. I had to do something when the ripple effects of his behaviour were causing harm and distress to everyone in the family. Addiction is a terrible illness but with it is choice. I see my actions as fighting the addiction not my son. I will no longer let my home be used as a cess pit, I no longer have to take my handbag everywhere with me while I am indoors, I no longer walk the streets at night waiting for my husband to come home as I did when my son lived there as I was too frightened to be in the home with him on my own and the list goes on. This does not stop me worrying about him every single second of the day. I dream about him all the time and he is the first thing I think of when I open my eyes in the morning. I want to find the magic wand that will fix it for him and others suffering the same way. I have come to realise that magic wand is within his grasp – not mine. Every day of life is precious – I hope we all find the strength to carry on. xxx
Our stories are so similar it is scary. My son turned up at 5.50am yesterday morning and I realised then how manipulative he is – coming after a 3 week gap of not seeing him – arriving in a storm to test my emotions. I fed him and gave him a bag of warm, dry clothes but did not let him in the family home. He was on the doorstep as I left for work this morning at 7am and this time I stepped over him and just kept going. I am now – and only now, feeling angry at him for the choices he has made and the terrible state he is in. My son’s face is yellow and puffy from alcohol abuse. His hands are bruised and swollen from fighting. I just do not know what to do for the best – I am on first name terms with the homeless department of our local authority, I have spoken to charities and they all say I am doing the right thing. My brother wants me to get my son committed but I know that 9 days already spent in a unit did not get him off drink. Adfam and others are really helpful. I do not have younger children as such – he has a brother a couple of years younger who is thriving in life and has such a good future ahead of him. They were so close growing up, played in the same football teams and had the same circle of friends. Sadly he no longer wants anything to do with his brother and sees him as one of life’s losers. There is help out there for addicts who want to change but I fear the longer they abuse themselves the harder it will be to make that change. I am so worried that winter is now upon us and the weather will be changing soon, if his conduct means he is not welcome at the local homeless hostels I am worried sick he will be found dead of hyperthermia. I really wish people would understand that giving money straight to many of the homeless just helps them continue to live such a terrible existence. I would urge all those kind-hearted enough to want to help to give donations to the many charities out there trying to help the homeless. For the sake of myself and other family members I keep my chin up and my resolve intact, but it is so hard. x
ive him money but still wash clothes and provide food. Advice is to stop it all and offer no aid but his visits every 3 weeks or so give me some reassurance that he is still alive. He also accuses his dad and me of some very terrible things that are not true. I just do not recognise this angry, dirty obnoxious person as the little boy I once treasured. I get great support but it is thru spking to other mums going thru this that gives me the most comfort. To swing from such emotion is shattering I worry about him all the time but once he arrives I just cannot wait for him to go. I pray now for all us parents in this position and that one day a trigger will happen and our children will come to their senses. In the meantime I will continue to be tough and say no to all demands – including entry to the family home. I feel so very sad for him and desperate too, but now realise after countless attempts myself that no-one can help him but himself. Take care other mums xx
I am in almost exactly the same position with my 22 yr old son. We offered a loving and caring home, he was talented and gifted, great at sport and a happy child. He started smoking dope at 15 and gave it up when it played with his head. So he turned to alcohol and the effect has been devastating. He stopped washing, caring and living. He dropped all his friends and became a recluse living in his room – we have been to youth and adult counselling services with him. He was taken into hospital for 9 days and weaned off alcohol – but was back on it less than 2 weeks after coming home. We put down boundaries that he laughed at and in the end we evicted him. It has broken my heart but I know it was the only way I could keep my sanity and the rest of my family safe. He is now homeless after being chucked out of 2 homeless hostels for his bad behaviour. I no longer g