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Hi Skittles, firstly I’m so sorry your going through this. I can shake your hand and tell you I have been through the same ordeal. I was in your shoes 6 months ago. Endless nights, probably 3 or 4 out of 7, weekends on my own in our rented house staying up, exhausted tired trying to get him to go to bed, argument after argument, it was utter chaos. The days and nights that he didn’t touch coke were like heaven on earth in my mind everything was normal and these were the moments that I clung onto. However as time went on they got less and less. It took me so long to get my head around it but yes they cannot say no to more drugs when they are addicted. The drug becomes the third person in the relationship for so long until its simply them and it. I held on in this relationship for as long as I could, I didn’t want our relationship to end I pleaded with him to change, I tried many approaches to getting him help which I did but he wasted valuable professional help and lied blatantly to me about it. Numerous times I thought sure course he can change it ain’t that hard, but having read other people’s stories on the forum once I called it and we broke up, it is so true they only quit or change when they decide to themselves. It broke my heart and it still does that I had to walk away. I could do no more for him and he choose it over me in the long run. My advice is please take care of yourself, I lost myself trying to save him and I’m only steadily building myself back up. It’s far easier said than done though to walk away but it’s one big viscous cycle that will continue for as long as you let it. I’m sorry for being so straight about it. If I knew then what I know now and the months of lies, manipulation etc that goes with addiction that I went through I would have ran a mile but as they say its the ones we love most that we hurt the most. Please reach out also to family and friends it can be a very dark and lonely place trying your best to help someone and your not on your own in this. They know fine rightly what hurt they are causing but refuse to address it because they are in denial about the issue at hand and everyone and everything is the problem, but their ‘fine’ . Take care of yourself and please reach out.
I’m so sorry to hear your going through this. I am 4 months the other side of a long term relationship where my partner was using coke and like that I lived day to day trying to catch him out, being lied to left, right and centre being manipulated etc. I didn’t see all of this until now, until I’m this far on and look back. He was the one that ended the relationship walked out and wanted nothing more to do with me even though I was the only one trying to help him sort his life out. Bottom line he didn’t want to and one piece of advice I can give you is please don’t hold on in there! I know it is so difficult to walk away but I honestly was losing myself trying to save him and from what I have read this is a common situation. I honestly felt I was going insane and living on my nerves from one weekend to the next as I didn’t know what way he’d come home, if he would come home at all and what lies or excuses he’d have for me. Weigh up your relationship so is it what you want? Is it going to change and are you just holding on in there because you don’t want to be on your own? I know that was my main reason. Wishing you the best but until he decides he has an issue and wishes to address it the correct way the addiction will take priority over everything and everyone around him. It all sounds extremely like what thankfully I have left behind me. Take care x
HI Paul, very sorry to hear your feeling low. I have gone through a terrible few weeks aswell, same as yourself on the receiving end of a relationship breakdown and not knowing where to turn feeling like its all my fault. What I have gathered over the last few weeks from both this forum and from talking to friends and family is that we cannot blame ourselves for our ex partners addiction. Like yourself I stood by my boyfriend for months hoping things would start to go down the right road. His family knew the ordeal I was going through but refused to help me and were full of nothing but empty promises. His cocaine use spiraled out of control I was being blamed for everything and I felt like he hated me but the problem was I was coming between him and his addiction as in trying to encourage him to stop and he couldn’t bear to think I was so therefore he made out I was the crazy one with control issues etc and that he hadnt drink or drug use issues. You hear that ‘drugs change people beyond recognition’ and ponder the idea but it’s only in recent weeks my family agree that they no longer knew my ex boyfriend of 8 years, in the last 6 months he changed so much yet remained so convincing. My thinking on it all is, is that they don’t hate us, in fact they probably still have feelings/care for us but the drugs take priority and the hurt they cause doesn’t come into it as selfishness to get the drug and use takes over. Those they hurt on the road to getting it makes no odds to them. Its always easy for them to shift the blame especially on to loved ones. They don’t take any accountability for thier actions but you have to remember we are not the ones placing the drug infront of them telling them to use, it’s their decision. Looking back I put my own health on the line trying to save my boyfriend yet at the time I was just about coping and focused on the idea of tomorrow is a new day and all along held out hope that tomorrow would be the day he would realise he needed to quit for good. Its so so hard to accept that no matter what anyone does or says makes no difference to an addict. They are only going to change if they really want to themselves. And this is something that’s so difficult especially when you would go to the moon and back for them to help them but yet this is out of your control. All I can say is continue to reach out speak to people, don’t hold your thoughts to yourself. I found it easier to talk about it even though it hurt me so much. Keep busy, keep your head up and your partners healing and recovery is on her, you have done your best and can do no more. Take care and look after yourself
Thank you so much for your reply. It means alot to not feel alone when dealing with something like this. At the moment I’m trying to keep busy and trying to focus in work as with my job comes alot of responsibility so I can’t afford for anything to go wrong. Many many mornings over the last months I faced work exhausted and running on a few hours sleep over lying awake worried sick about what next was around the corner and how I was going to deal with it. My heart sinks at the thought of where he is going to end up and it’s a small rural community we are both from so word gets around and I’m so afraid of hearing something has happened him as he’s on a complete self destruction mode drinking excessively etc the last few weeks from what I hear. But Im trying to accept its no longer my responsibility, which is so difficult when I nearly lost myself the last few months trying to save him. It’s almost like a instant survival response, you don’t see how much your sinking. His belongings are bagged and ready to be collected which I informed him over 10 days ago but he still hasn’t made any contact to collect them, yet he’s aware it’s all ready. Many thanks for the support I really appreciate it all
I have been reading through posts on this forum and I feel at the moment it’s the only thing that’s helping me get through a very tough time at the moment. My boyfriend walked out on me a few weeks ago after a blazing argument and told me it was over. He is a cocaine user, unfortunately I feel quite a heavy user. He has opened up to me about using I promised him I would stand by him and get him the help he needs. His family know this is an issue but want to sweep it under the carpet and for months I was the only one bearing the brunt of it all, worried sick when he would drink drive, worry about what state he would come home to me in etc. He is in debt that he has been paying back but I feel its worse than what he told me. Although now he’s moved back home left me with many bills I’m so afraid of where he is going to end up. He told me himself months back when he was at a very low point that I was the only one he had to support him and he was so greatful and trying to change his ways but it was all empty promises he was starting to build my trust and then it would all fall apart again at the weekend. I know now it’s no longer any of my responsibility but I care so much about him and I want him to know that although we may not be together I’m here to talk/support him if he decides to turn his life around. How do you all feel I should address this? There has been no contact the last few weeks only to arrange to collect his items from our rented accommodation. I wonder will he reach out if he’s at rock bottom? My heart breaks not only that our lengthy relationship is over but that if he keeps going what if something disasterous happens him. Could I please get advice on this as my head is in turmoil over it all. Many thanks