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I’m so sorry this is happening. We worry like mad but there is nothing we can do is there ? While we’re worrying they are destroying themselves. A few months ago I sat one night and thought is this it ? Is this my life forever now ? Watching his every move, waiting for the reek of booze on his breath. When we have split previously Iv hated alcohol, blamed alcohol for everything, this time no more, there is one person who has not taken the help from rehab and destroyed and lost everything and it’s not me. I have everything I had before him and he has exactly what he had when I met him sod all !
Yes I think of him but Iv detached myself from the “what if he goes missing” “what if he ends up in hospital again” because if not when something happens I would go running. We need to put ourselves first and going out Friday was a massive eye opener for me believe me. Try get out with friends, try to be you and put him to one side for awhile, believe me it would be worth it x
Hi I was just thinking about you yesterday, glad the weekend went without incident but sad it wasn’t what you wanted.what I have learnt is There is life beyond addiction for us but it’s hard to let go. I went out with a friend on Friday night, just into our village, as I was with an alcoholic this is something Iv not done for a good few years, trying to keep a lid on it all. Everyone was so lovely and said how fab I looked, in the end it was easy, after I’d been dreading the whole thing. It showed me I am worth better than what I had. Even had a text from an ex who was in the pub within 10 minutes of me leaving telling me how good I looked. All good for the ego but helps a great deal to move on.
I’m just so lucky. No ties with my ex such as house or kids. It’s still hard though x
Absolutely it is ????
Good luck ????????
You may not see this before you go but if I was you I’d book myself a travel lodge not far, get a big bar of chocolate and a big bag of Doritos and have a night on your own in peace lol x
Blame. It’s interesting isn’t it ? The first few times I experienced these benders, of which at the time I didn’t know they were benders, suddenly this lovely man I had met turned on me. Disappeared in his car over a petty issue to the sisters leaving me in floods of tears, texting him I was sorry and begging him to come back. Vile messages, blame all on me is what I got back. I left him to it thinking I’d lost him then a month or two later he would pop up saying he wasn’t right at the time due to ex withholding the kids etc , didn’t mean any of it and loved me. As the years went on we went on holidays of which looking back I always ended up in tears. All inclusive clearly wasn’t good for an alcoholic then expect them to hold it together for a week. Then the huge incidents started, I’d realised by this point drink was a huge issue so the cat and mouse started. I’d question him, he would flip then a huge incident. Police found him asleep in a nearby field. Came to my house to see if I was ok a “welfare visit” as he had told them we had an argument. The drink driving one was a huge incident, he left my house off his head to drive to his sisters in the next town. I begged him not to drive. An few hour later the police knocked on my door, would you believe he had actually rang them and told them he had to leave my house and was currently driving drunk because I tried to poison him and he needed to flee me. Needless to say they had stopped him, dragged him out of the car, he was carrying on so they in his words “gave him a kicking” which I hope they did and he spent the night sobering up in the cells. He went back to his sisters, the leach, then we had lock down and I didn’t hear from him for a good 5 month. When he got in touch I supported him into rehab and then had him back. 18 months later we’re back to square one. The blame is always there to blame someone else for their actions. It was my fault he drove drunk as I tried to poison him, then the polices fault he was arrested because he defending himself against them. It’s not and never is their fault. Their brains convince them everyone else is to blame to justify their actions. The leaches agree with them for their own gains.
Blame can also be felt by us, somewhere in the mist of my 4 years a number of times I felt I have been to blame for his relapses. Had I not told him to leave when I knew he had had a drink he wouldn’t have been found in a field by the police, I felt it was my fault. I was to blame and caused these big issues. Had I not told him on the phone to not come back here 4 weeks ago today when I could tell he had had a drink he wouldn’t have gone to his sisters and we now be in this position. I actually now know I’m not to blame. I’m actually free of him, until he comes back crawling, but as Iv said before I will just ignore any attempt to contact me as I fear I would feel sorry for him and cave. I need my life back this time and not have him as a mill stone round my neck.
As we’ve all said we need to put ourselves first and we are no way to blame for their addictions ????
You are spot on, out of 4 years I think for the best part of that Iv been a carer, because he is a binge drinkers the periods in between binges would be excellent but I was always still watching and waiting for the next binge. Then the build up when I can see things were not right but couldn’t put my finger on it then bang ! Relapse.
When we have been apart previously I’d always worried about other women, he absolutely wasn’t like that at all when we were together to be fair but it was always a worry he would find someone else and be ok with them and then they have the sober him who is an amazing man. But after reading his step work books the other day from when he was in rehab it’s evident this has gone on and on for years and my dreams of him been a new person after rehab for our future together were never going to be met. Because Of this Iv realised now if he does find some one else she will be like him a drinker / addict as no “normal” woman will put up with this behaviour. They may have a good few months but nothing long term and it won’t be some one like me that’s for sure as Iv come to realise I’m better than this, took me awhile though to be fair. Best thing to do is maybe think to yourself do you want to be still in this situation 1 year, 3 years on.
It was 2 years ago this month my ex went on a 4 month bender at his leaches house, was so vile to me and even told his family I tried to poison him then came crying to me and I supported him to go to rehab. I had him back because he was his old self. 2 years on back here we are. Things just won’t change.
You will know when the time is right to say enough is enough and tell him to stay with his leach. My ex is still with the leach sister, although since the last bender when he went there she has swapped into a 1 bed council flat from a 2 bed house where he just about had his own room ! Let’s hope he likes the sofa at hers because he won’t be coming back here. I Carnt continue this life. I hope your ok, it is draining and ends up taking its toll on us ????
It is very sad, the thought of been alone is very sad when you think of the positive times. I think I had started to resent the situation if I’m honest. When he came out of rehab I was very much that I would never drink again. As this was during covid nobody was going out anyway so it didn’t matter about socialising but my good friends who did know about his addiction and rehab began to keep us at a distance. Not inviting us out. We were no fun anymore clearly. Iv ended up loosing contact with most of my friends and if I’m honest it’s not nice. Then I would watch him go on his benders, been allowed to drink so to speak while Iv given everything up for him. Iv never been a big drinker but I hate what alcohol has done to my life over the last 4 years and the hurt it has caused me. Obviously it’s my ex who caused this but it’s the drink that makes him like he is. It’s a disease and it’s terrible.
The main thing is don’t think your alone, read through this forum and you will see just how widespread this is. Family and friends won’t get it, unless they have loved an addict. Alcoholism is a disease and as we learn it won’t go away. I was so nieve at the beginning of my relationship with an alcoholic. I knew he had had issue in his past but not to the full extent. After 2 years the real situation became apparent. Finding empties is a classic one I believe. I remember finding vodka bottles under the bed, top of the wardrobe, even in the public bin on my street and knowing they were his. It becomes like a cat and mouse game of Gothcha ! It’s draining and ends up effecting our mental health. After everything including £10k rehab nearly 2 years on from that it’s back at square one and Iv now removed myself emotionally from the situation. He’s gone and has been 3 weeks, It feel liberating but also very sad, as when he’s not on a bender he’s a beautiful person but I need to keep telling myself I deserve better.
I was told a couple of years ago to put myself first, at the time I was so worried about him and ignored that but I now understand what I was been told. So please look after yourself as we do matter greatly in this x
My “ex” also had a childhood friend who was an alcoholic, they went through their teens together in the rave scene taking all sorts then as they were older went on to alcohol. The friend died just before Christmas 21. Yes it hit my ex hard but if anything that has probably contributed toward this latest episode. This friend would have been a go to person when he was going on a bender, he even got locked up for DUI while with this person. There is also the sister who is just beyond appalling but What Iv learnt about all this is they will look for type, they will gravitate towards their type who gives them the permission to do their vices that we don’t. These leeches have their own gain from this, often financial or just a buddy to use with, we will never win against these people who do this, it’s truly awful.
It’s absolutely awful been in this situation, Iv been here before when he’s been “my ex” and Iv been drawn back in, mainly feeling sorry for him and thinking about the “sober partner” and forgetting about the “drunk Partner” I need now to stick to this. He’s an intelligent man, in his last year of doing a degree at 47 yrs old ! He went into education after I encouraged him that he was more than capable. GCSEs through to degree and Iv been there throughout it all with these episodes every few months and picked up the pieces. God knows if he will finish his degree as these last few months are crucial, but not my problem now and that’s what I need to keep thinking. Have a look at my post from a year ago with my recent update.
When he comes out of this episode which could be a few weeks or 6 months I need to not be drawn in again. I feel im too old for this now and need someone in my life who loves and respects me. I’m 48 and need out now or before I know it I’ll be 58 then 68 and my life has gone in a flash. Just so hard, friends and family do mean well but just don’t understand what it’s like to love an addict.