[matthew1]

I just want whoever reads this. That is the first time i have genuinely acknowledged I am a cocaine Addict.

I keep upsetting myself. Thinking how did this happen? How? I refuse to let this be at me. You know I’ve never beaten cigarette’s. But you know what, they haven’t had the impact on the people I love like cocaine has. I think my daughter is lost. I don’t know I’m confused. This sounds odd but in the same way my ex would just switch on me in a moment. Now my daughter is doing it. I couldn’t bare it when my ex would do it it left me confused upset angry. But you know what, with my daughter it’s magnified. I have said to her, please you know what I have been through you know I’m trying to cope. And she says she’s trying. But you know what she has every right to not like me or make things harder for me. I didn’t mean to but I didn’t just do this to me, I did this to them also. It’s hurting me so much. I feel lost without my children’s love. I’ve put them through this for a year, slowly getting worse.

On a different note a more positive note. After I left hospital. Found out my ex was sleeping with anoth man within a week, the house empty with no children, no dad the super hero to talk to every day. I at that time didn’t want cocaine. I was not craving it for the first time past 4 or 5 days. I won’t go into all the details of those 3 days. But I still get flash backs. But I was ok for the first few days. And then i hit a real low. There was only so much positivity I could have when everything was gone. My four super special people that made every day were gone. 50% of them still are gone. And 25% of them are gone for good. I say that but i feel im losing my daughter now. It’s a horrendous affliction we allow to oush upon ourselves and others.

Nobody made me take it. But circumstances and my partner and her new friend certainly helped open that door. But it boils down to one thing as my ex always told me. NOBODY FORCED IT UP YOUR NOSE.

But back tithe positive part. I have met artists. Kind caring people. And I do things now where I didn’t. Well I do positive things now. I completed my first piece of epoxy artwork. It’s no van Gogh, but it’s a start.

I am so sorry for all of this, that’s to those I love. How? Why?

[Author]

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