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Oh dear that wasn’t so good . He turned up on something , whether it was weed or something else I don’t know . He was stumbling , losing the thread of the conversation and repeating himself . So although there are improvements that he is working and straight through the working week ( I spoke to his boss) it seems the weekends are not as drug free as I’d hoped . I don’t know if I’m just expecting too much at once but I’m so disappointed this eve . I won’t be inviting him back to the house for quite some time again . Somehow I thought he’d really make an effort for today after all the heartbreaks of the past . Why do I set myself up every time ? I’m a fool !

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Six weeks on ……. I saw my son on Friday . First time in two & months . He is still with his sister and doing well at work . He’s gained weight , his skin is better , he was relaxed and courteous with me . Two hugs !!! He’s doing so well that he’s joining us for a family dinner later today . Am I nervous ……… Oh yes I am ! The memories of who he was are still all too fresh but although I may be outwardly calm my feet will be paddling like mad below the waterline !! This is a big day for us . I know he’ll be nervous too . For all of you still fighting for your “lost” ones do what it is you have to do ……. For me it was to stop enabling in every sense of the word and step right back . This advice on Adfam probably saved our sanity . Fingers crossed for today !!!

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You’re very very welcome . Try to get a good nights sleep . Tomorrow is another day & amazing things may happen . That’s my mantra lol x

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Ah of course he will blame you for not turning up for the job , easier to do than accept responsibility for himself . If he really wants a job he will find one that he can get to under his own steam . Surprising how resourceful they can be when it comes to getting their drugs and alcohol . It’s hard I know but try not to take the verbal abuse to heart . Once it’s out of his mouth he has forgotten it . Don’t go over and over the conversations in your mind it will only torment you . Try not to nag or advise him it will only fall on deaf ears and wind him up further . For a time now try to concentrate on your own life again doing things that give you some feeling of peace. I meditate and that helps me towards a calm mind . My email is paynemax2@aol.com. If at any time you would rather mail then please feel free . I’m sending many good thoughts to you . X

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It’s okay . He’s not going to accept being drug dependent , he’s not THAT stupid he will tell you …… he can stop taking them any time ………. You just don’t understand …….. That’s another one lol !!! And maybe he’s not addicted and maybe he can stop whenever he wants to , but either way today he is using . My son stole repeatedly from us , even using my debit card without my knowledge . He broke into my house while I was away visiting my terminally ill father etc etc etc . We take a lot us mothers before we see that our overflowing love is not always good for our children when addictions are involved . It’s okay to love him and equally okay to not like him and to hate the way he behaves . They want all the supposed fun of adulthood but still want mum to look after them and pick up the tab . They can abuse us all day long but cannot understand when we say “no more” . There is no logic to them . Step back and try not to fuel the fire . Each time you respond to his abuse you extend the conversation for him to give you more of the same . Try hanging up the phone every time the conversation turns nasty , don’t try to reason with him because you won’t win . Let him see that you will only enter into a conversation when it is non abusive and do that every single time . That is the only kind of message he will understand as he is today . He is trying to guilt trip you to get his own way . Try really hard not to reward his behaviour . I can only advise as I have lived the same situation , your head knows what you need to do , your heart just needs to catch up x

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Hold your ground , you’re doing really well , it may not feel like it but consider , if you think your son is in the pub then he has money to spend !! You have changed the goal posts and he doesn’t like it . I heard as much and worse from my son “drop dead ” was his choice of words . You’ll no doubt hear more anger from him before he accepts what you’re doing , after all he has had a lifetime of knowing he can get round mum . This new stronger mum is someone he is now being introduced to and he’s showing his displeasure . They almost revert back to being 5 year olds , stamping their feet . Where at 5 you could smack the bottom or take away their favourite toys to correct behaviour you can’t do that now , maybe the ‘no’ word is much the same as taking away the toys . Could I suggest that you switch your phone off . Don’t open his texts or speak with him for the rest of the day . I’m sure he has done this many times to you . Don’t be available to his abuse . I spent several years dreading my phone alerting me to texts & calls because I knew none of them from him was to show interest in how I was . Only to drag me further into his misery . Stick with it , say no to every demand , i know how hard this is for you but you will end up making yourself ill if you let him regain the upper hand . X

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Yes, we’re all on different pages of the same story . Sad and tired …… About the shopping you provide , ‘can’t take no more’ is correct . You are still enabling . I did the same for several years . The food you buy is either rotting in his cupboards because he won’t bother cooking for himself , or you are paying to feed his druggie friends . Shelter & food are the basics of living , while you provide either things he will continue to take the easiest route which for him is to continue with the lifestyle he has . I was and still am to a great degree blamed by my son for what has happened with him , although he no longer is abusive he still needs to re assure himself that it couldn’t be his own doing . Maybe that will come with maturity . The drugs they take distort all thought processes so you can’t hope that he wii see the light while he is still using . Those expectations will only hurt you further . Now you have started saying “no” he is spitting the proverbial dummy . He doesn’t hate you , you are most likely the person he loves most in his world , but the drugs make him behave a certain way . It is hard to see them do without and your natural inclination is to nurture BUT any giving in is enabling . Be strong , take back the power you have handed over to someone , who at the moment has no respect for you. X .

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I know a little about heroin but the skin rash could be little more than a result of any substance abuse . They tend to drink a lot of energy drinks which have no nutrients in them . That combined with a diet of junk food can leave the skin in terrible condition . My son was using , amongst other things ketamine & coke . My brother is a recovering heroine user . He smoked it as he was afraid of needles !! Heroin users end up getting not getting a “high” . They take it , in the end, to just “feel normal ” !!! We are conditioned to think of heroin as the worst but maybe nowadays with so many different drugs available it is no worse or better . I would do food drops to my son regularly , often with him not even coming to the door . He would tell me to put it in the shed and he would pick it up later . I would continually make excuses for his behaviour . I think some of my blackest times were down to self pity , hard to admit that even to myself but “why my son ” who had such potential . And shame in admitting to friends what he had become . Misplaced pride ! Do try to stay strong and not allow him to dominate all of your waking hours , sleeping ones too no doubt . The more often you say no the less often he will ask . Life is always changing , have a little trust that eventually things will come right and if not, then you boy is travelling a path of his choosing . X

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Do you know , I have raised 3 children . I have two older daughters who are lovely well balanced young women . They weren’t angels but they were ‘normal’ anxieties as they hit teenage years . I grew up in care . Not a good place believe me !! So for me , like you, I believed there was nothing I wouldn’t do for my kids . My children are well loved and have wanted for nothing , they’ve had a privileged upbringing . My son at 20 is not a reflection of my mothering skills . Sadly he is a reflection of the society we live in . Denied nothing , no repercussions for bad behaviour and a culture of ‘I want and I want it now’ . It’s my right etc . Well for our boys sad & tired its time for them to wake up and face reality . The world owes them nothing . We are not their life time meal ticket . My son now knows that I will be there to help him when he shows me that he is making positive healthy choices for his life . Respect will come when your boy accepts that you mean what you say and stick to it . Funnily enough once you start saying no it does get easier to keep saying it . X

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It’s not easy of course it isn’t , but your son is going to be angry that you’ve said ‘no’ because it’s not the way it should go in his mind . You’ve always said yes before and he’s comfortable with that . Maybe try to turn it round in your head and tell yourself that it IS because you love your son that you’re saying no . “Yes” hasn’t worked so far so the only thing left to try is the word ‘no’ . My son fell out with me so many times that I lost count . I would fret & worry and imagine the worst every time . And every time he was absolutely fine and at the next party giving no thought to how he’d left me feeling . Drugs make them the ultimate selfish being . You clearly are a good mum and maybe you have to cut him loose before he is ready to come back . Believe me I have been exactly where you’re at and know how easily I can be back there . He will speak to you again because he will try another way to get what he wants from you knowing that in the past he has always finally got you to say yes !!! Be strong . X

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Oh have I been there !! “Mum I need to get out of town to start a better life ” so I paid a deposit on a rural rental , helped him move , swore he wouldn’t let people know where his new place was etc . All talk to get what he wanted , his other landlord was kicking him out for unpaid rent and I fell for it again !!! 8 weeks later my friend , who’s property it was was at my door . No rent paid !!!! I rang my boy and told him if he didn’t get down to sort it out by the end of the day then I would !!! And I did . I was mortified because it had been used as a drug den for his stupid friends . I was so angry & embarrassed that I took all of his belongings to the local dump and rang him to tell him I was done with him ! No more stupid mum . That was my turning point . It took getting very very angry at his “couldn’t give a shit attitude ” . I would advice you to try very hard to say no . Walk or catch a bus !! Even if you offer him the first weeks bus fare , if he wants to take the job he will find the means to get there . Who paid you’re way at his age ??? I would imagine that no one did . Sending you best wishes !

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My son also owes “fine” money and I’m not clear whether or not he is yet addressing that but I will not ask . It is his business and his consequences for past behaviours . I think the more we involve ourselves the more power we give them to manipulate us emotionally for their own ends .

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I think it’s okay not to like your child for a while . One of my wise daughters asked me if I would accept that kind of treatment from a random person . Of course not , I replied . Then why put up with it from someone you have only ever loved and cared for ? Get a backbone she told me . She was right , I had turned from a strong woman into a wimp trying not to antagonise my verbally aggressive son . It’s hard to do but you have to heal yourself first maybe . X

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Hi sad & tired , it took me a long time to get to the point of saying no ! Untold misery and thousands of pounds !! I finally accepted that his bad choices were his alone and I wasn’t to blame . I knew logically it wasn’t my fault but as a mother who loves my heart was in turmoil . Adfam helped me a lot and the ‘enabling’ advice made sense . We can’t fix our children because they’re not children , they’re adults making choices , just as you and I did at their ages !! I feel like the addict myself at the moment with the pledge “one day at a time” trying to be joyful but with caution . You’re not alone and not to blame . They have to hit a bottom and want things to change . I know that’s said over and over in these blogs but it is so true . All my good wishes are with you and my heart knows where you’re at x

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Also left comment on Lucy21 elsewhere . As you say “inappropriate ” .

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