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I do feel for you, you’re in an awful situation. This is veering into relationship advice, but you have respected his wishes and boundaries, while he hasn’t done the same for you. Even if I understand where he’s coming from (using at home is almost certainly safer for everyone than him just being… somewhere… out there), you have to decide whether this is the life you want long term.

I’ve had the (relative) luxury of it just being the two of us. It’s been stressful emotionally and financially, of course, but I could hold out because I don’t have a child to worry about.

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Unfortunately, I suspect it will get worse before it gets better. Not because it inevitably gets to that state, there are plenty of people who hold down a habit without it taking over everything. But his lack of boundaries around your son is pretty glaring.

Also unfortunately, in my experience he’s right in that getting upset doesn’t help, but there’s precious little that does help. You’ve laid out your concerns, what he does with that is up to him and him alone.

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Unfortunately I’ve watched my partner’s substance issues go from bad to worse and now back to just bad over the summer, relapsing into meth for two brief stints. There is a lot of lying that goes with it, to be but also to himself. The biggest and most tempting lie they tell themselves is that they can maintain the habit and lead an otherwise normal life. Which of course is a lie, but the addict is up against themselves. They’re the ones lying to themselves – under the influence/in the service of their cravings, so in effect the liar is just as smart as the one trying to see through it.

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From my experience, I’d say the same. Mine does this despite the promises. I’ve learned to equate disappearance to massive bender. I wish I could numb myself to them, but I can’t help but fear for his safety. I don’t know if the fear is worse than the pain of being lied to again and again.

And like you, Coco, every time it happens he gets really confused that everyone’s worried and looking for him, as if the vanishing act is perfectly normal and healthy.

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Coco, I’m so sorry for what you’ve been put through, you and your children. I really hope you’ll be able to rebuild your trust and your relationship.

Brianna, I’m likewise so sorry to read what you’re going through now. It definitely my sounds like your boyfriend is in denial, and there are probably more excuses to come. I’ve had the same excuses and more – it’s only his life, and his to mess up, for example.

I know it’s hard because it feels like letting go of someone you love, but these are his choices pushing you apart, they would not be yours. Meanwhile, you do need to think of yourself and your children – you don’t want to be dragged down with him. You can still be there to support his recovery, because he’ll need love and support and hope to make it work. But you can’t do that if you replace the love and trust with resentment and suspicion.

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Sorry all, it’s been a really hectic week with the long weekend and all.

Rae, please don’t feel any guilt about his decisions. It’s not too pushing him to use, he will find an excuse for his choices.

When mine isn’t using, he’s been really good. We’ve been really good. This hadn’t been going on for so long, so there’s still patience in me. I’m still able to take a step back and see that he’s sick rather than a bad person. The resentment is there but I do still manage to temper it.

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Hi Newone,

I’m not sure I have any direct advice, as it’s my partner rather than me who is going through addiction. But there is help out there – your GP (if you have one) can direct you to support/treatment. Or there’s Frank (https://www.talktofrank.com/get-help/find-support-near-you) where you can find local help.

First instance, though, your wife deserves to know the truth. She may already suspect it, but she deserves to be told. And to not be alone in that – it’s a horrible feeling, from experience. Being honest and transparent is hard, but the other option is to slowly wear away her trust and your relationship, and it sounds like you don’t want that.

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Hi Ash,

It’s so easy to feel alone – if you read the other threads you’ll find that’s all too common for anyone who’s partnered up with an addict. So you’re far from alone.

I have the same worries every time my boyfriend is out. Especially around payday. I totally get where you’re coming from. Vaping in and of itself isn’t so bad, but the fact he’s doing it behind your back is. Even then, I’m far more worried about the drinking. Maybe it’s a reaction to the withdrawal from coke, but it sounds more like he’s replaced one addiction with another.

I’m not sure I can tell you anything that will magically give you a sense of trust and security. What I can advise is that you set boundaries between you and his problematic behaviours – the heavy drinking, the day drinking, etc. Just so you’re not feeling the guilt that you’ve enabled it or let it happen. At the end of the day, though, he’s only going to change because he wants to for him – it never really works out when they change for someone else.

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Hi Nova, really sorry that you’re going through this. Take every step you can to make sure you’re looked after. Whether it’s a friend or a counseling service (if that’s available to you), please use them. It takes a while, but all that blame and anger on their own will wear your down if you’re not careful.

There’s a few fairly common behaviours with addicts I’ve picked up from here and other resources. Deception, and denial is part of that – especially when they’re face with the hard truth of their addiction. Blaming you for it is another – really important to remember that his driving is a choice he makes. He’ll use what he can to justify it, but it is his choice, and his action, and no one else’s. Least of all yours.

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Hi Pambler,

I’m going to start by wishing you every success – admitting that you’re addicted and wanting to get clean is an important first step. To echo Donthaveaclue, GP is a good starting point. Or, you can find local stuff support via Frank: https://www.talktofrank.com/get-help/find-support-near-you

And please do use this forum to track your progress. Rebuilding everything will be tough, but it is worth it. From someone whose partner is struggling with addiction: yes, his addiction has hurt me. As have the denials, the blaming, the lying. But I still love him, and it would make me so incredibly happy to get him back, the ‘him’ I fell for. I’m sure it will be the same for the people in your life.

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I really have to agree with Donthaveaclue on this one. You deserve someone who’s going to make you happy, and who’s going to treat you with respect. It sounds like this guy is pretty much the opposite of all that.

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It really hurts me to see you’re all going through this right now. Things have been better on my end – I think because there isn’t the same withdrawal to ketamine as with coke, so less pain to take out on others. I do wonder how much of that “better” is down to his having no money till pay day.

I’ve also been lucky not to be getting the Jekyll and Hyde treatment. I think you all deserve better than that, each and every one of you. You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be with someone who makes you happy.

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Shell, I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s doubly hard because you know that, somewhere, the person you love is in there. And the person you trust, the person you would go to when you’re feeling scared and worried and in need of support. Except that’s the very source of all those anxieties. It’s enough to make you feel all alone. But you’re not alone, as you say you do have family who can hopefully help you.

I want to stress that you have nothing to be ashamed of. At all. It will help your well-being so much just to have a relief valve, let alone someone who can support you. And it sounds like you do need support. It doesn’t seem like you’re free to have any kind of life, because you’re as much a slave to his addiction as he is. From my experience, it breeds sadness, resentment, and anger. Do what you can to set boundaries between his use and yourself. I know it’s hard, but in the long term I think sticking it out will hurt even more.

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Shell, Donthaveaclue is absolutely right. You have nothing to prove, and you shouldn’t be indulging this abusive behaviour on his part. Because this does for all the world look like abuse to me. He is being manipulative and controlling in his paranoia.

Agreed as well on calling the police if you feel unsafe.

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I’m counting myself lucky as I haven’t encountered any abuse. Maybe because I’ve been cautious about trying not to be judgemental. It’s felt like it’s been a couple days of progress, at least. After he and I spoke Tuesday, a friend of his came over yesterday/this morning. She has used recreationally, and been through addiction recovery herself, plus is on the outside. So that external perspective also helped impress that his usage is raising alarm bells to people who don’t live with him, and who also do drugs. Which I thought helped. And she helped us hold a sort of mini-intervention – getting him to analyse what his drug use was like now, what feelings it might be covering up for, and what a desirable goal would look like. It all sounded so positive even going into his first online counseling session this evening.

He’s since made noises about walking back on those goals, about how he’s not sure they’re his goals or the goals he thought we wanted to hear. That might be cold feet after the counseling.

I do know he’s been into his dealer, and is now just gone out to get ket. Because it’s either that or feel like shit. i didn’t expect an overnight change, but this was a fast walk back. I’ll concede it’s at least been a few days since he last used, but that’s mostly down to lack of money.

Disappointing, but I’m going to take one small victory for myself. I didn’t walk with him to the cashpoint. I have made the decision that I won’t enable him financially, and I won’t enable him morally. I will help him with every step he takes towards recovery. But every step he takes in any other direction, he takes alone. It might help him, but if it doesn’t it at least helps me.

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