[missyx]

I see, that must be hard and I get why you see as it’s your challenge to over come. One thing I have learnt from my situation is the gravitas of it. One can’t identify with an addict until you go through it yourself because no one originally sets out to be addicted. I am more understanding of people and their predicaments than before, yet I’m conscious this isn’t necessarily a good thing. Perhaps it’s an excuse or justification I don’t know. Life does not need drugs and once explored can change everything. I had 37 years before I tried and I wasn’t necessarily happier unfortunately I slipped into it before I even knew it was there. Nativity and ignorance was my starting point and in hindsight that was my blindness. We live and we learn thought don’t we ?! Xxxx

[missyx]

I know exactly how you feel, really I do. Nobody else knows apart from us. I’m a mother and my partner/long term boyfriend still manages to hold down a good job on the surface no one would know. You’re right you get to know what coming hour by hour in the aftermath I’m guessing your husband just thinks you’re hung over ?! Would you not feel able to tell him so he could help you in your recovery ? Thanks re chat, I will take you up on that offer soon no doubt. Sometimes I just wish I never ever had tried it in the first place.

[missyx]

Hi again,

Wow – 7 weeks is amazing. Don’t beat yourself up about a relapse after that, just continue as you were.

My triggers ?! Well it doesn’t help that both me and my partner take it together so we are a constant living trigger to each other. The funny is we travel an hour there and back to get it as we live in a small town. The stuff is worth travelling for unfortunately!

I find lots of triggers too though tbh tv programmes, photos, songs etc so it’s constantly difficult. We are currently trying to keep it to weekly however, which is the best we’ve been able to do. Do you use anything to help you with the comedown ?

[missyx]

Hi,

Thanks for your message. Can I ask how often you drink ? Do you use alone or with others ?

I know what you mean I’ve tried deleting people and binning paraphernalia etc. it makes no difference. I had it last on Friday and I’m craving it already just trying to keep busy.

[missyx]

Here is a poem I wrote whilst on coke ironically

My pull my push my desire my rush

My inner belief my deep seated grief

My indulgence

My hate

My punishment my fate

My love & my longing

My craving my belonging

My constant thought

My subconscious mind

My beating heart

My endless bind

My excitement & thrill

My tears I spill

My fall my crash

My lies my fear & all I hold dear

My reward my energy

My disappointment my enemy

My pleasure my pain

My addiction cocaine

[missyx]

Thanks – I found this message helpful and inspiring

[missyx]

I’ve heard it does – but hard to imagine right now. Even though I only had it last night I’m already thinking about it again lol. Definitely don’t want to be doing it in another 10 years. Like you say just have to make the effort!

[missyx]

I know you’re right it does. Sick of feeling tired and having no interest in anything else. Apathy – I think the word is-lack of interest in anything else. I want so much to get more from life, like I did for the first 37 years ! I’m so scared I’ll never be the same again.

[missyx]

The week mark is so hard! You’ve caught up with sleep since the last time and or depressed – feeling all excited for it again. Pat on the back for resisting last night. Maybe we can help each other. When the cravings are bad it could be good to tell each other and maybe talk ourselves out of relapsing ? Lol.

It’s not sad – you love the drug unfortunately like me and so it doesn’t matter what you do as long as you have it. Do you ever go back and get more when you’ve run out? Do you drink or take Valium to ease the come down. We’ve done that and even driven after using it – very bad !

[missyx]

Well if it’s that easy to get then that makes you strong! I’m glad it’s not that available to us or we’d be in serious trouble. How long is it since you last had any ? Do you think about it everyday? I do. What do you do when you’re on ? We just talk and talk for hours

[missyx]

Yes we have spent thousands on it, but getting money in control now. We live in Scarborough and we don’t know anyone who has good stuff here. None of our friends do it (it’s a secret we’ve kept from everyone) we travel to Hull, we know the dealer well – he’s trustworthy and it’s shit hot what we get.

Where abouts are you ? How come you’re strong enough only to get it monthly ?

[missyx]

Me neither-don’t want to find out!

I had some last night, didn’t want to say then as you said you were craving it. Did you resist ? Happy birthday for yesterday.

How much do you use when you have it ?

I’m starting a new job this week so I’m hoping that’s going to help me keep off it as I’ll have less available time.

[missyx]

Hi, I’ve never tried crack-Have you ? I’ll check out the vids you suggested thanks. Does your girlfriend use it with you? Yeah we both want to quit but it’s obviously not that easy – like you say we are addicts! I always thought we wouldn’t get addicted because I read it’s not physically addictive, I just didn’t realise how difficult psychological addiction was! I know what dopamine is yes-that’s what it creates isn’t it ? Have you tried NA groups?

[missyx]

There are some good ideas there, some I’ve thought of and some I haven’t-thanks. We do need to stop though it hasn’t ruined our lives yet but it’s only a matter of time. My kids get everything they need too but again that could change who knows. The odd time we have gone 2-3 weeks I can see I gradually start to feel better, different back to my of self I guess, so I’m surprised that you go a month and then give in. If you can go a month couldnt you could go 2? 8 years is a long time – do you worry about your health (I’ve started to) How old are you if you don’t mind me asking ?

[missyx]

Hi again,

No – coke first then I drink after to ease the come down. Me and partner go – we are each other’s triggers! I’m divorced and when my kids are with my ex we have a free night a week so we drive an hour from where I live to get really good stuff. We usually get through 2g between us in a few hours. Yes often feel suicidal after or even days after, feel guilty. Guilty about the kids, how much money we are wasting, debt we are in over it. Want to stop but the thrill/excitement to go each time wins ! Do you have it with others or on your own? Is yours after drink ?

[Author]

Posts