[mjay]

I am struggling w the same situation w my husband. Unlike alot of others, I actually have known about his addictions since the beginning of our relationship. Once every few months he would suddenly disappear to go use. My first marriage was filled w physical and verbal abuse and after a long stint of horrible dating decisions, I met this wonderful, charming, handsome, loving, but terribly flawed man. He was/is wonderful w my children and when sober a very loving husband. Anyways at first I thought I could deal w the occasional disappearing (he only ever left for a night or two) and it was only maybe twice a year. He actually even stopped doing it all together (the disappearing not the drug use) for a few years. A little over 2 years ago our son in law committed suicide and shortly after that my husband lost his job. That year is the year I think I lost him as well. He’s a talented chef n has been handed opportunity after opportunity and literally BLOWS it every time! He’s gone at least 2-3 times a week and has gone to rehab 3 different times in less than 2 years. I know how desperately he wants sobriety and actually just had 90 days clean. That was 3 weeks ago, sadly…

He’s back to using again and the loving, hardworking, thoughtful man is gone. He’s lazy, selfish, condescending, and a liar. I don’t sleep, I don’t eat, I don’t smile or laugh. All I do is cry. Sober Shawn is everything I could possibly want in a husband. I just don’t know if I’m ever going to get him back and idk what to do at this point. I feel like he died(in a way he did) and I’m in constant mourning. God forbid there would be a family emergency bc he shuts his phone off and it’s like he falls off the face of the earth. He comes home defensive, throws a little blame my way, then is remorseful and vows it won’t happen again. Sleeps and eats for 2 days straight. Gets his mind right, goes back to the gym, then does it all over again. I know I can’t live in this hell forever, but I can’t live w out him…

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