[mjdoubleu]

Hi Bewildered.

I am so sorry to hear why you have been going through. But rest assured you are not alone.

I found out in June that my wife has spent over 100k in the previous 18 months. On coke, gambling and god knows what else.

That’s not including the loans, credit cards and loan sharks that she had been dealing with.

We have 2 girls together which makes everything so much harder.

If it wasn’t for them I would have walked away months ago.

She left us after I confronted her about the money etc and only returned 6 weeks ago after she reached out to me one night and I found her in a right state. Packed up her stuff and brought her home.

Since then life is even harder than it was when she wasn’t here.

I had routines with the girls and was getting on with life. Tough treat it was.

But now I absolutely hate my life. My wife lies constantly. She cannot be trusted with the simplest of tasks at home and lets me do everything.

The only reasons why I put up with this is because of our girls and the fact that I still love my wife very much.

To be honest I don’t see a future with her and believe that she is only back home to screw me over.

However I have to keep going for the time being as I really want to help her find herself again and be the woman I fell in love with.

Every day is super tough. And I completely understand how you are feeling.

Once the trust is gone. What else is there??

Just be strong and focused on yourself.

And remember that you are not alone.

All the best

MJ

[mjdoubleu]

Hi Gem.

You must be strong and keep yourself busy.

My wife is in the same position as you.

She sleeps so very much but I know that she needs to as the pain is intense.

She was clean for 3 weeks until Friday and she is now kicking herself as she was doing so well.

I used myself at the weekends but could see it creeping into the week and I decided that enough was enough. That was a year ago now.

Unfortunately my wife continued using without me knowing and it nearly destroyed her.

You must try and focus on the future now. Forget the past as it will only haunt you.

If at all possible avoid those who use or encourage you. If they know that you are trying to quit then they aren’t true friends.

Have you any family you can lean on? As that is so important.

Please Continue going to CA. Especially on a Friday. It really helps my wife as those who attend are all there to heal. Confide in them, let them in. Get a WhatsApp group txt going with those you click with as they will be there for you when you feel weak or tempted.

Trust me. Be comforted that You are not alone Gem.

You will get through this and be you again.

All the best

MJ

[mjdoubleu]

Hi

Yes please send over the link and I will check it out.

Thank you

MJ

[mjdoubleu]

Good morning GF

Thank you for checking in.

It’s been a strange week for a change.

My wife was out for pretty much 48hrs and I ended up picking her up at 05.00 on Saturday morning. Drunk on Absynth.

She been home since and we went out for the first time together last night to the local pub for a game of pool and a few beers. First time in a very long time.

It ended up being a good night and she seems good today.

However she did admit to having some coke when she was out Friday night which really upset me as it has set her back 3 weeks.

Apparently she found it in her bag when she was drunk. But I know that’s a load of rubbish.

The girls she was out with are over 10 years younger than her, have no children and no real responsibilities. That worries me a lot.

But I have to let her make adult decisions like you said. Whether that are good or bad.

I have put my foot down though as the emotional roller coaster of it all was breaking me down and I’m not prepared to do that anymore. I was worried sick about her on Friday and felt sick because if it.

She didn’t go to CA on Friday night because she was out with her cronies. Great friends they are. They know the situation and if they were actual friends then surely they would have encouraged her to go. Not indulge her in alcohol and potential the crap that got her where she is. Madness!!

I have said that she needs to decide on whether she wants to remain part of this family or go about her business with those who don’t really care about her and would drop her if things went south.

It’s up to her now.

Yes the book is a big read. I have put it aside for a few days but will get back into it tomorrow. Like you said it’s a lot to take in. But worth the time.

I am glad that you have the security that you need and I can relate to how hard it is to get there. But as you say you have that roof over your head. Which is so very important.

I haven’t had much time to go out this week as I have been concentrating on work and getting some money in. But I intend on getting out more next weekend.

All the best.

MJ

[mjdoubleu]

Hi SC.

My god. It’s a night mare isn’t it?

I continuously worry that there are things that I don’t yet know about and am struggling to keep up with the payments on what I am aware of. Loans and numerous Credit cards. My wife was involved with 4 different loan sharks at one point but she has paid them off. Which I count my blessings for as they are the the worst type of people to deal with. Aside HMRC.

My only saving Grace is that I have equity in the house which I will be using part of to pay everything off.

I just cannot handle the worry or the stress.

It’ll put me back a few years but my god it’ll be worth it.

I do struggle with trust and pretty much everyone apart from my close family. It does that to you.

The crazy thing is that this goes on far to much. But I have only found this out since it’s happened to me.

Hang in there SC. Your not alone.

All the best.

[mjdoubleu]

Hi SC.

My god. It’s a night mare isn’t it?

I continuously worry that there are things that I don’t yet know about and am struggling to keep up with the payments on what I am aware of. Loans and numerous Credit cards. My wife was involved with 4 different loan sharks at one point but she has paid them off. Which I count my blessings for as they are the the worst type of people to deal with. Aside HMRC.

My only saving Grace is that I have equity in the house which I will be using part of to pay everything off.

I just cannot handle the worry or the stress.

It’ll put me back a few years but my god it’ll be worth it.

I do struggle with trust and pretty much everyone apart from my close family. It does that to you.

The crazy thing is that this goes on far to much. But I have only found this out since it’s happened to me.

Hang in there SC. Your not alone.

All the best.

[mjdoubleu]

Evening Scousecharlie.

Believe me I know. If you could see my wife now you would see where it has gone.

But To be completely honest I never checked the accounts as I was always working and took it for granted that it was there.

A fool and his money are soon parted as they say.

But it’ll never happen again.

All the best.

[mjdoubleu]

Good afternoon Gardenfence

Once again thank you for responding.

I hope you are well. How are you doing today?

I have just got back home from walking the dog after spending most of the day invoicing and submitting quotes. Yawn.

It is a great way to switch off. I love being outside, more than I have ever before in my life. It clears my mind and diverts me from the now.

Things are calm at home at the moment and My Wife improves daily. Although she does spend a lot of time with the new friends she made whilst she was away from us.

I don’t really understand the attraction to them and have not attempted to stop her as I don’t want to upset the cart.

Although only this morning she said that she was going to start pulling away from them. Which was music to my ears.

I did say that that it was her decision to make and I didn’t want her to resent me later for doing it. We will have to see how that pans out.

The good news is that she is still attending CA, although last nights session resulted in a negative one. We talked when she came home about it and I reassured her that not every session would be a positive one and that even know she felt negative there were probably some positive things that came from it. Although she probably didn’t see it at the time. Her head was down when she came home but was back up before I went up to bed.

She continues to stay part of a small group of women that are all supporting each other and I am always encouraging her to be there for each other. It’s amazing to see how enthusiastic she is. There is Such a difference in her and a positive one at that.

She cooked us all a roast dinner for the first time in over 6 months last night before going to CA. I couldn’t stop looking at her the whole time. It was blissful. And the best dinner I have had in a very long time.

The sailing club is fully booked up until end of October but I am still keen on joining as I have always loved being on the water.

I have been paddle boarding and canoeing for years with the kids which I have always felt to be extremely good for my soul and brings us all together.

I have now started reading ‘A Path through the Jungle’ and have already found it extremely helpful.

Although I do keep having to go back over a few things as I go to get a better understanding of it. At first I found it complicated but as I progress through it falls into place and I sometimes laugh because It’s all so true.

I just wish I had read it years ago.

Every days a school day for me now.

All the best.

[mjdoubleu]

Good afternoon Gardenfence

Thank you once again for replying. It’s such a comforting feeling that a complete stranger would take the time to talk to me about this.

I didn’t know that you have experienced this first hand and to be honest I didn’t want to ask. But from what you have said to me I now see why you understand what I am going through so clearly.

I’m not much of a reader. I am more of a hands on guy. I like to fix things and I’m very good at it usually. However I will be ordering A Path through the jungle that you are reading as like that table I had a wobble of my own yesterday and I do think that it would be useful to my mindset. Especially since you have recommended it.

I try very hard not to think the worst but from what has happened it is difficult not to.

My wife went to CA last night and feels better today than she has done for a long time. She even smiled and had a few laughs with me earlier which to me was absolute bliss.

She has met up with a few girls over the past couple of weeks and really bonded with them. She talks about them a lot and sometimes gets upset as she speaks as she then thinks about what they have gone through and relates to her own experiences.

I believe that she has now turned onto the right path and I am hopeful that in time she will be herself again which is all I have ever wanted. Regardless of whether we make it as a couple I will know in my heart that she is happy and healthy. For my children sake as well as my now.

I am going to stop beating myself up over this now and think positive thoughts. I am looking into joining a local sailing club as that is something I have always wanted to do and later on get the girls involved.

I’m eating regular now. Taking long walks with the dog and spending quality time with my girls. Work isn’t as important to me anymore (One thing I have learnt from all this) as it diverted my attention from what is really important. My Family.

I hope you have a great weekend Gardenfence.

All the best.

[mjdoubleu]

Hi Gardenfence

Thank you again for coming back to me.

Yes you are 100% right about your last comment. Family means everything to me.

I was Brought up by my grandparents and so have that outlook on life. Trust, honesty, hard work but most importantly family.

Unfortunately neither of them are around anymore and that was part of the problem.

We have had the worst run of luck since my wife’s father passed nearly 4 years ago. You have never met two people more alike. They were even born in the same day.

Since then it has been one thing after another constantly. Then mix COVID into the mix and boom.

My wife has admitted that she started taking to cope with everyday life and it got out of control. As things so easily do.

I do understand addiction very well as I smoked cannabis for 30 years. And only stopped 8 months ago when things were getting out of hand and I wanted to have clarity and not have my judgement clouded in any way.

My financial situation is a precarious one but I have that in check. I have spoken to our IFA and I intend on taking out some equity from the house to pay everything off and free my find of the stress. It’ll set me back 5 years but I will be totally worth it.

Counselling is definitely something I will consider should my head state worsen. But I am coping at the moment and have family and friends that are supporting me as well as helping out with my 7 year old occasionally which is great. I am very lucky in that respect.

It is the future that scares me. Not knowing what’s going to happen. I am trying so very hard to understand how my wife is feeling and not overwhelm her with doubt, questions or anything that could drive her from her path to recovery. As when I have asked questions in the past she runs away, which is her defence mechanism.

Your right I am an adult and I am making adult decisions especially when it comes to my girls welfare. I do everything for them and to be honest it’s the only thing that really keeps me going at the moment.

I continue to run the business, but single handed and my work days are short due to the school run.

I sometimes wish I could just push a switch and make my feeling for her go away. After everything she has done you would think that would be easy. But it’s not. I love her but I don’t recognise or understand her anymore.

Although I do realise that this is due to her addiction. She does nothing to help out when she is at home and makes more mess than the children do. I am constantly cleaning up behind her.

She has a new group of friends that she spends all of her time with. I don’t know any of them and they get her full attention.

We have hardly seen her for the past 3 days and stayed out last night.

Although I am sure that she has not been taking anything. Or at least that is what I am hoping.

She has told me that being at home is a reminder of what she has done and the pain she has caused to us all.

I sort of understand what she means but surely home is the best place to start the healing process.

ReBuilding her relationship with her children and then myself sounds like the best course of action to me however she is very mindful of her appearance and mind state around the girls as depression is a major factor at the moment.

My main worry at the is that at some point soon a switch will go off in my head, I will stop caring about her and concentrate of myself and my girls.

Most of my close friends told me ages ago to let her get on with it, and many other things I won’t say. So why am I still trying to help her Gardenfence? Am I stupid, A mug, A cash cow.

It hurts so very much to think that she is using me.

[mjdoubleu]

Hi Gardenfence

Thank you so very much for your reply. It is so very much appreciated. It makes me feel so much better knowing that someone is listening.

To be completely honest with you I haven’t. Clue what to do. Or what I am doing.

I have been doing absolutely everything for months now. And My girls are my absolute priority.

One is 17 and sees all and one is only 7. Innocent and confused about her Mum coming and going.

My wife is here but isn’t at the same time.

She sleeps most of the day which is fine as I know she is safe and hopefully healing.

So much has happened. To much to fully explain. Aside the Coke and money which I can forgive there is also the possibility of another guy. Which is the one thing that I really struggle with and most likely cannot get over. Only time will really tell on that one.

I feel absolutely exhausted fence. Mentally and physically. Constantly thinking about what may or may not have happened. We used to have a comfortable life with no worries. But now I barely manage to pay the bills.

I cannot work a full day as I have to do the morning and afternoon school runs. K no or to mention the school holidays.

My life has literally been turned our lives upside down.

Perhaps you are right that my wife should not be here right now. I know exactly what you are saying. Because even know she is here I feel more alone now than I did when she wasn’t here. Does that sound stupid?

She does nothing to help me. Nothing for the girls. When she’s awake She just sits there looking sorry for herself. Vague and emotionless. Which I get as she is on the biggest come down of her life.

I do get it. That filthy Shite takes over your life and you think your invincible, but when reality hits home. And your either out of money or nearly dead then reality hits hard.

It also destroys people, families, friends and everything that means something to you.

The lies. OMG the lies that she has told. One after the other. But as my grandad used to say. You have to have a good memory to be a good liar. And she doesn’t.

I’m taking one day at a time. As I know she is as well.

I don’t expect to have a relationship with her like we used to. But at least I will know that I have done everything I can to help her.

Thank you GF. Please keep in touch.

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