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My husband was (is) a high functioning alcoholic. He held a top job for many years and always had a huge capacity for alcohol with very few signs of hangovers.
Things peaked for our family this year and a huge learning for me was that I had been enabling his behaviour all these years. A phrase I had never heard of before – I thought I was doing the best I could by trying to hold things together for the family but instead I was allowing it to happen. I too sighed with relief when he was asleep and therefore allowed us to function as an (I believed) normal family.
When it came to a head this year my daughters told me they couldn’t believe I’d put up with it for so many years. They were cross with me for allowing it (and whilst sad I am grateful our frank conversations allowed that level of honesty between us). They commented – as had my parents – that whilst he has never been physically abusive he isn’t nice when he has been drinking and particularly not to me. His drinking has had a massive impact on all of us and I am desperately sad to see the affect it has had on our children.
I am still stuck in a limbo but am gradually realising that nothing is changing and the only thing that can change if I want to take some control of my life is my actions and what I decide to do from now. But it is really scary – and I don’t have children at home. I think the comments and questions that deficientoptimism posed are really useful.
I am mid fifties and have been married for nearly 25 years, a friend told me this year that she hopes more than anything I will choose my happiness going forward.
I am blown away by others stories on this forum and have found it immensely supportive, I hope you too find some support on these pages.
With best wishes
And similar to mine. My husband was the ‘star pupil’ at rehab and came out telling me how well he’d done but within days he was drinking again. He blamed the rehab for not doing a good job! He’s never really stopped since- he has short periods when I can tell he’s not drinking but then something happens and he starts again. The wobbly you mention is always a give away…. He hasn’t admitted to himself that he still has a problem – I know for a fact he has attended more than one zoom AA meeting whilst drinking.
The advice I was given by the rehab place when I contacted them was to look after yourself and your children and to make sure you put yourself and your family first. They also told me to make sure I didn’t continue enabling his drinking and that the decisions he made were his and there was very little I could do to change things
It is the most horrible feeling when you realise that all that hope and hard work hasn’t changed things. I guess it doesn’t mean that it will never change but that depends on the person.
Take care of yourself and best wishes
Hi Ever87 I am new to this forum and haven’t been brave enough yet to write my story but have taken comfort from some of the threads on here that ring so true to what has been happening in my life.
Your comment about friends and family just seeing the funny drunk side of your husband really hit a nerve as my children and I both find that really difficult. On the one hand there is this person who friends see – kind, helpful and funny and the flip side is the one that I thought only we saw which is the drunk, or partially drunk person.
Things got really bad this year and I did open up to a couple of close friends. I was amazed to find that they had either realised or suspected something was wrong. They have been an absolute pillar of support for the whole family. I chose who I confided in carefully as some friends wouldn’t have understood or would have been judgemental, I also wanted to pick friends who would be supportive of my husband if he needed them. I also spoke to a counsellor through a scheme provided at work and found that very helpful, in particular to realise I had been enabling my husband’s alcoholism.
I found being open and honest with our children (they are older – late teen and early twenties) was incredibly painful but really helpful as now we can properly support each other. I think I thought I was helping them by trying to cover up and carry on as normal but instead it shut me off from the affects of having an alcoholic father.
Whatever you choose to do I hope you get some well deserved support for you and your family.