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James,
I am feeling very lost. My boyfriend of 4 years’ dad, we’ll call him “Steve”, has been in and out of the hospital a lot lately. About a year and a half ago he went in and was told his liver is failing due to alcoholism and that without a transplant he wouldn’t have too many years left. He has not had a transplant. To our knowledge he has stopped drinking, but we don’t believe everything he tells us. He has gone in many times since and seemingly unplanned (as though these are not appointments set up in advance to check in, but rather that he is having to suddenly go in unexpectedly a lot). He has a dog that my boyfriend and I often end up responsible for while he is gone. On Thursday, I get a call from Steve that he is back in the hospital and that I need to stop by and care for the dog while he isn’t home. I did, and I found a plate of cocaine in his microwave. He has a history with cocaine- my boyfriend caught him a couple times in high school. We have suspicions that he never fully quit or that he has at least relapsed before now and it had gone unnoticed. If he doesn’t care for himself, we are very concerned that he will be in prison or dead by 2024. Steve doesn’t speak with his mother or father much at all, I don’t know how much either of them even know about his situation. I discussed with my boyfriend and his brother (we will call his brother “Noah”) the night I found his cocaine. Noah has a history of alcoholism as well and overdosed on pills in high school. My boyfriend is the one who found him and alerted the police. Addiction is heartbreakingly reoccurring in their family. Noah is adamant that an intervention of any kind will cause Steve to hate us and will not help. I reminded Noah that if they have spoken to him on multiple occasions before with no success, simply talking to him and saying the same things probably won’t change a whole lot. Noah is also adamant that I am not involved with talking with Steve because he feels the conversation will go better amongst Steve and his two sons. I absolutely do not want to interfere in their family matters. With this being said, I’ve been a part of the family for years now and Steve reached out to lean on me as much as his children at this point. I worry that the two boys are not enough support and that it is a burden to great for two young men to deal with alone. My boyfriend agrees that the initial conversation should be between them, but that my involvement is welcome after that. Neither of them want to involve Steve’s parents or their mother (who is divorced from Steve, but still the mother of his kids) At this point, I’m honestly just helpless. I’m unsure of how to be a good support system for my boyfriend and his brother. I have already been struggling deeply with my own mental health and I feel inadequate to deal with the situation. I of course want to be an available support system to Steve without making him feel accused or betrayed by his children. But I really can’t bear to see my boyfriend watch his dad kill himself. There is part of me that wants to protect my boyfriend and do anything in my power to better things to his benefit, regardless of how it effects Steve. I think it is terribly unfair to my boyfriend that he has had to grow up so soon and be the “parent” of his family. He has seen so much addiction and suffering and we’re only 22. I don’t really know where to go from here, or where even to start. As it stands today, Steve doesn’t yet know that we know about his relapse. The boys plan on speaking with him tomorrow. If not anything else, I really just need a friendly voice to tell me I’m not alone and that all hope doesn’t need to be lost. Things are not looking good. I wish you absolutely all of the best and I thank you sincerely for even taking the time to read this. Stay strong and stay well. Best wishes,
Maddie