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Yep the weekend before he left me he was crying to me about wanting to stay sober and how much he wants our relationship to work, and then boom, he disappears! I cannot understand how they can do it to their own kids, but it just goes to show the power of cocaine and talking to everyone on here, its crazy how the same patterns of behaviour repeat! It shows us that we aren’t the crazy ones and we have absolutely NOTHING to be blamed for. You nor your kids deserve any of this xx
You’re right, every time I find myself in pain over the potential fact he will find someone else, I think realistically they can’t sustain a healthy relationship with anyone whilst drugs are involved, they will never be able to compromise and they will always think selfishly, it comes above everything. The only person who would put up with it is someone else who uses. And you must keep reminding yourself in the long term, you will be the best off here. You have a new shot at happiness, whereas he will always be relying on some kind of ‘fix’ and he’ll always be battling with these demons for the rest of his life. Even whilst my boyfriend was clean and relatively happy, when i think about it I was always on edge, every time he went out or he went quiet for a period of time I would panic, i was always treading on eggshells and i was always scared he was just gonna leave me again, which he proved to do. It’s so hard when you’ve been codependent on someone for so long, but a life with an addict will always be painful and chaos so even though this pain is intense right now, i really have hope we will be much better off without them in the long run.
You’re most welcome lovely. It’s a deeply isolating place to be, you’re dealing with two different people, almost like schizophrenia (which can be bought on by cocaine). And essentially we’re just dealing with grief of losing our loving loyal partners so suddenly with no real clarity.
When he first did this to me I was also 24, and believe me I hung on years after, I would continuously message him, constantly checking his social media, believing he would change and realise what he’s thrown away for drugs. I really believed him when he said he had changed, hence why I took him back. And he was so convincing, every single day until one day he just switched again out of nowhere. And like I said even if he becomes clear headed again in the future, whats to say years down the line when potentially kids are involved, he will just switch again and again. I think until they are REALLY ready and fully committed, we are always going to lose. Your boyfriend is 36 and is still behaving like my 26 year old ex. He’s not showing any REAL commitment to staying clean, and I despair that unfortunately I think that’s the life they’ve been tied to now and they have a long and difficult road ahead. It’s up to us now to not be dragged down with it too. You have done everything in your power to support your guy, he should have been so grateful for you calling that ambulance but instead you were hit with abuse. How is that humanly right? I’m 28 and you’re 24, we are still young and have every option now to walk away from this mess whilst we can. For so long I’ve been depending on my ex for my happiness even whilst we were apart, I so desperately wanted to help him and I know I can’t do that anymore.
For now, I’ve blocked him on everything, the damage is done and like you, I don’t think I could move past what’s happened even if he were to reach out. So I’m practicing some mindfulness, looking at this forum, healing myself and making some new plans for the future. Which I think you should too because we don’t deserve this sh*t 🙂 thank you for your kind words too, it’s really helped to pick me up!
Kel1, thank you for your kind words, don’t get me wrong, I have spent most of my days crying…I like to come on here to word vomit, it’s a good form of therapy! I read your stories and I absolutely admire your strength, it’s painful enough as it is let alone having them do it to your children as well. It’s proof that drugs will literally come over EVERY kind of love when they’re in the grips of it. It’s unfathomable. You should be so proud of yourself for choosing a better life for yourself and I promise that you will find so much happiness again, things will only go up from now on. You would never have been happy staying with your partner whilst drugs are involved, and even if he came back, what he has done to you and put you through is unforgettable and unforgiveable. There are much nicer people who are more deserving of our love out there, I’m sure of it!
It’s time now to heal ourselves! Sending lots of love and strength girls xxx
Hi Shan1234,
Your story really resonates with mine so I can completely understand how you’re feeling. I had been with my boyfriend for a similar amount of time, and we were in a loving, happy and committed relationship. When we got back together (we had broken up a few years prior due to drugs), he had been clean for a few months and was fully committed to this ‘new life’ and staying sober. However, he relapsed a few months ago and struggled even more so having to go into lockdown away from me. I tried to support him, but I couldn’t help but get angry and upset when he would get blind drunk as I knew he was choosing to go down this path again. This then led to him being distant breaking up with me abruptly, telling me he ‘doesn’t know what he wants’ and that he doesn’t love me and needs to be on his own. Which came a shock to me when just a couple of weeks prior he was gushing about how much he adored me. None of it made sense. I sent him endless messages of support even though I was hurt, I got stonewalled. So I then decided to stand up for myself, and I got hurled loads of abuse back, with him telling me that I’m the one who needs help, I’m selfish etc.
We haven’t spoken since and it’s now been over a month. I’m still waiting for him to get in contact, and I have no idea why. I’m beside myself every day worrying about him as I know he’s just gone down that hole again and I’m so confused with the sudden loss of emotion, no remorse and no interest in resolving our relationship when he said it meant everything to him just weeks ago. I too am completely heartbroken, there is no understanding or rationalising their actions.
I’ve been doing a lot of research in these past few weeks into cocaine and relapses. I think what I’ve come to realise is how much I underestimated the power that it plays on an addicts mind and alters their thought processes. You can’t rationalise what they do. Once they’re in the grip of it again, nothing else matters. If, like my partner, he saw you as a hinderance to him living ‘that life’ again and going on a binge, he will just shut you out and your feelings will not even come into consideration, they will not care. I only know this from previous conversations I’ve had with my boyfriend. I think deep down they do love us in their own way, but can’t cope with life so will just shut it out completely rather than deal with it.
I think it’s really important during this time to surround yourself with a support network. I think you should confide in at least one person you can trust, if not use this forum or call a helpline. My boyfriend has done this to me twice now over a four year period, so I think, regardless of if he comes back to me and apologise in the future, I think for my own sanity I need to keep moving forward because a life with an addict will always be painful and unpredictable, and I’ve had to learn the hard way. I am not saying you should give up on your boyfriend completely, but just weigh up your options. Maybe write him a letter saying that you will always love him and you are ready to support him when he’s ready, so you’ve left that open line of communication, but don’t wait around for him to change. Whilst we don’t have children and financial ties, I think it’s really important to put ourselves first and really realise what we need and deserve, which I don’t think we will get from our partners in the long term.
I’m here if you need to reach out, it’s a difficult journey. x
Hi doobear, your story has mirrored mine to an extent, me and my ex partner met 6 years ago and fell madly in love, broke up due to his cocaine addiction and him cheating on me (which I didn’t realise at the time) and a year ago we rekindled our love and he had told me at this point he had sought help and had been clean for a few months. I didn’t know too much about addiction and recovery at this point so we got back together and fell head over heels in love again because he swore that he would never go back to that life, so why shouldn’t I believe him? We had a blissful 10 months together which took a sudden turn whilst I was away on holiday, when he admitted to me he had relapsed on a night out. I thought he had control of the situation but the following month we spent together and I found him trying to make more and more excuses to drink and use. Cut a long story short, whilst he was quarantining himself in separate houses he ended things very abruptly with me, told me this is how he wanted to be, that he didn’t love me anymore, wants to be on his own and that I was a narcissist etc. All of these things came completely out of the blue, only a few days prior he was telling me how in love with me he was and how he wanted a family with me. Its now been a month and I have heard nothing from him, I’m assuming he has gone back to using again, who knows.
What I’m trying to get at is I understand how you feel in regards to you so want to believe the clean version of him is the one that speaks truth and the one you should stick by. I, like Hox26 and Kel1 have tried to support my partner in every way possible, yet as soon as it was convenient for him I got discarded for with no emotion for the addiction. Because he is relapsing already, and had only been clean for 6 months, it sounds like he still has quite a long road ahead before he’s fully on the right track, and going by everyone elses story on here…it’s not a simple road. You will always be second best and honestly, if you’re looking to have kids, this really isn’t the person you want to have them with. I’m in my late 20’s and that’s how I’m trying to view things, it’s better to walk away now, no matter how much it hurts, rather then further down the line when it gets more painful and complicated, which inevitably it will. As Hox26 says, its always going to be a life with cocaine and him, not just him.
I hope this provides a little comfort x
Cocaine really is the road to ruin, how it can change the kindest most loving and loyal people to the complete opposite in a flip of a switch is beyond me. I wish there was more awareness into the destruction it causes. It’s devastating because even when they get clean and swear they never want to use again, it only takes the smallest of trigger (in my ex’s case) for it to take control again. You are doing right by you and your family, you certainly don’t want your kids around that especially whilst he’s still denying there’s a problem. You have a great support network here, I read this forum every day and it gives me some comfort. Take care of yourself x
Thank you for that, it was nice to hear things from someone who understands. We were so happy and had so many plans this year that we had both waited so long for, so it’s so confusing that now he is just acting like he hates me, he won’t see me at all and even when I tried to stand up for myself he was pretty nasty, saying he doesn’t love me anymore, i’m selfish, needs to be on his own etc. The only way I can swallow what he’s said is he’s trying to push me way by being horrible as it’s easier, rather than just sitting down and having an honest conversation with me. If he had just said ‘I love you, but for my sobriety right now I need to be on my own’, I would have understood. It’s just the nastiness of it all.
I know what you’re saying has truth, and I have wrote this in a letter to him. We have had a lot conversations where he’s opened up to me about how it’s almost like the devil takes over and doesn’t know how to control it. I’m almost holding onto the fact that if and when he gets back on track he will come back to me and realise what he has lost, a bit like your situation, but I know I could be waiting for a very long time, if never, and really I don’t think I could ever trust him again (this is the second time he’s done this now, I have already forgiven once).
You sound like a really decent bloke who just got lost for a while. It’s great that you have recognised the damage drugs and alcohol has done to your own life and others around you and you’re trying to fix it. Most addicts never see the damage, or they do but the addiction will always be the priority no matter the consequences. The fact that you are so set on never letting it ruin your life again puts you in the great stead to finding happiness again. I understand it’s hard letting go of what you have lost, but new doors open and as you said, you would never have corrected yourself if things had stayed the same.
Thanks for taking the time to listen and respond.
Hi Addgg13,
First of all, well done for getting completely sober, you sound like a huge inspiration to many and I can’t imagine how tough it’s been. I think a lot of us on here would give anything for our partners to have done what you have, and also realise your mistakes too. I’m sorry to hear you have lost your wife, I think she probably had got to her ‘breaking’ point a while ago and decided to move on. That’s not to say now though you cannot do the same. You will feel immense hurt for the life you have lost, and I think she will still care a lot, and you can only do what you are doing …keep proving to her you are sober and you have changed, but in the meantime don’t hang on to the hope you will get your family unit and ‘old’ life back, I’m a great believer in everything happens for a reason, so maybe if you went back to your old life, it may trigger you to relapse further down the line. I think the best thing you can do now is start a new leaf, try to keep focusing forward on the things YOU want to do with your new sober life, and I’m sure you meet someone along the way who will make you just as happy, if not happier. It’ll take time but you should be proud of yourself for getting this far.
For me, I’m trying to do the same but on the other side of things. My partner left me very suddenly a few weeks ago after relapsing on alcohol and coke, after a year of being clean. He had a complete personality change, has become very withdrawn and cold and doesn’t even want to know me anymore… when only just weeks ago we were very happy together and he always told me how much he adored me. I haven’t heard from him since and it’s now been a month. I know I’m essentially dealing with two different people, and I’m having a real hard time grieving the loss of the loyal loving guy I had just weeks ago. For us ‘non-addicts’, it’s hard to understand how if someone loves you, how you can just switch so quickly and suddenly have no emotion, but I have to keep remembering when in the grip of things, he can’t control his desire to satisfy his addict, even if it means pushing loved ones out of the way. I’m not sure if he has left me to carry on using or to concentrate on getting back on track, but I know I just have to leave him to it now regardless of how I feel.
The only thing I can do, like what I said to you, is to just keep looking forward and not on the things we have lost. Easier said than done I know. For me, I know that my boyfriend will probably take some years to be completely clear headed, luckily no children or shared properties are involved so I guess it makes it easier to walk away. And I know deep down I should, but it’s so hard because I know the sober him loves me very much and wants a future with me. But I also know I deserve better than being treated like this everytime he fancies a binge or whatever. I know there is someone else out there for me, and you should remind yourself of this too. All hope is not lost, you are healthy and clearminded now, you have beautiful children and you now have every opportunity to build another wonderful life.
I hope this helps somewhat 🙂
Yep, it’s like our partners are the same person! I think with the lockdown, has caused him to go into self destruct mode, as soon as he left me to isolate with his mum he has just gone downhill, just rang me drunk/high and told me he didn’t want this anymore and that he wants to be on his own. Then that’s it, he’s just ignored me since, even when I tried to offer love and support he threw it back in my face and told me I need to go and ‘fix myself’. I struggling to cope with it too, we were so happy and he constantly told me how much he loved me, and now its like he hates me. I’m the same as you, I wish I could just let go, I know we can’t do anything to help but it’s so hard when you love someone and you know they don’t want to use. I have tried to take a step back and leave him be seeing as he couldn’t care less about me rn, I’m getting myself some counselling to deal with the pain, maybe it’s something you should think about too? I stupidly want him to come back to me and realise what he’s done when he’s a bit more clearminded but equally I know I should just let go. It’s so tough. Just know you’re not alone, reading this forum and talking to others is helping me a little. Sending lots of love x
It sounds like you’re in the same situation as my ex partner, its great that you have reached out and I hope that reading some of the threads on this forum will help you. My ex was clean for a year, and said he had never been so happy and clearminded, so I hope that gives you some hope. Read back on some of the threads on here, there’s been a few people that have written who are also addicted to coke, with some ways they have tried to kick it. I don’t know if you’ve thought about getting a sponser, but that might help too, to have someone to call when you’re craving who can talk to you from personal experience?
CHall81 I’m in the same situation as you, I tried my hardest to see things through my partners eyes but in the end he left me a few weeks ago on a relapse. I have no idea what he’s been doing since but I’m assuming he’s been using cocaine again, so devastated because he is the most loving kindest guy when clean but the past few weeks he’s had a personality change. Sometimes the only thing we can do is step out of the way otherwise we will make ourselves ill
Hi there,
I’m really sorry you are going through this. Your situation and feelings sound quite familiar to my ex partner, who is also a cocaine addict. He got help last year but has relapsed in the past month. We have had lots of in depth discussions whilst he was sober where he has literally said to me he would rather kill himself then go back to ‘that dark place’ again, yet he broke his sobriety on a night out, during a time of feeling weak, so I can appreciate how powerful addiction is.
I think you’re in a good place because you recognise there’s a problem and you want to change. A lot of addicts will never do that. And you’ve started to take the steps to recover, counselling etc. I don’t think it’s helpful your partner ‘dabbles’ in coke if you’re struggling, and you should mention this to him, but I don’t think they are better off without you because you are showing you want to change, it would be different if you didn’t. Your family provides you joy so you should hold on to that whilst you can otherwise you may just lose hope and just go into a downward spiral.
I’m not qualified to tell you how to beat your addiction, none of us are on here but read some of the previous threads on here, I’ve seen a couple of cocaine addicts have made some threads and give suggestions of ways they are recovering. Don’t lose hope, the year my partner was clean he said he had never been happier and so clear minded. Seek the help you deserve, ring your GP, look at support groups and get yourself a sponser. It’s great that you have a support network around you so I think you will find the strength to beat this. Sending love xxx
Hi Q18,
I’m in no way an expert, but it does sound like your boyfriend maybe in the early stages of alcoholism. It almost sounds like he is escaping from depression which is why he doesn’t stop on the weekend, but the fact he has a hard time recovering almost sounds like he goes through serious withdrawals. With any addict, when they drink/do drugs, it changes the chemicals in their brain so as soon as they are in the grip of it, they change into different people and they struggle with the come down after, so they use again.
When me and my ex partner first got together 4 years ago, he just used to drink at the weekend like every other 22 year old so didn’t think anything of it. I noticed he started drinking more and more during the week, and then someone offered him cocaine one night (which I had no idea about), and then that was it…he became addicted in a matter of months. He has only got clean a year ago and has recently relapsed, which has just caused him a sudden change in personality and for him to break up with me suddenly. He is depressed also, and when he spoke about in whilst he was clean, he said that he always had to have some kind of fix in order to feel ‘nothing’, if you know what I mean.
I’m sorry to ramble, but I think he could be struggling with a few things and like the feeling drinking gives him, to an extent we can’t comprehend. Maybe just sit down and have a chat with him, saying you’ve noticed he drinks a lot at the weekend and that you’re worried, but in a non defensive way. I hope for you, he sorts out whatever is going on before it is too late and he resorts to other things or effects you more. One thing I’ve learnt from this forum is that no matter how much we hurt for them, we can’t control their actions and we can’t help them, only they can do that. Be supportive, but when he starts to take the piss, I would suggest weighing up your options. I’ve only just started to see that after being constantly worrying about my partner for 4 years, I’m 28 and have a life to live and can’t spend it worrying about someone elses actions. I hope this is somewhat comforting to you xxx