[mo229]

Hi Dxb,

All I can say is thank you so much for this reply, I teared up reading your story and words of encouragement and has made me feel so less alone in all this, and less crazy. Reading what has happened with your husband, there are just so many similarities between his erratic behaviour and my partners. The self pity and the gaslighting in particular, but the majority of the time they are just such wonderful people who don’t deserve to have this illness. And when people see how hurt you are by their actions, its so hard trying to justify why you don’t want to abandon them. I am so so sorry you had to go through so many years of this feeling alone, it’s only from reading through forums and articles this past week, and talking to a couple of counsellors I’ve really just started to get my head around the fact their behaviour is completely selfish and out of our control, but seems quite similar in all addicts. I’ve had multiple conversations in the past with my boyfriend where he’s really opened up about it, and talks about when he does things that are reckless and hurtful to the people that love him (he has broken up with me twice ‘out of the blue’ now), it’s almost like he can’t control it, he just loses the ability to care for anyone else but himself. And because we know it’s not them deep down, it makes it even harder to walk away. He’s almost made me feel like it was our relationship that was the cause to him relapsing which is why now he suddenly can’t be with me, which is stupid but they make you feel like the bad guy somehow. I don’t know whether he’s disappeared to self indulge in his addiction, or for just some space to focus on recovery, but he’s just made me totally disposable.

Like you, I know my partner loves me in his own way, but when the addiction takes grip they only have the capability to love that and there’s no space in their head- from what it seems.

It sounds like you have done absolutely everything you can to be as supporting as you can be towards your husband but having those boundaries, which is so important. And you should be so proud of yourself, your husband is so lucky to have you still by his side.

When I have my low moments during the day, I read this forum and I will re read your reply to just keep reminding myself that I am not alone in this and that I’m surrounded by people who understand my pain- even if on the internet. We are probably the most tolerable and loving kinds of people out there to have put up with the amount of crap we have! I’m sending you so much love and strength back, I don’t know if it’s something you have thought about but I am thinking of maybe getting some counselling to try and shed some light and to try and support me, it might be beneficial for both of us to just have some extra tools and coping mechanisms throughout all of this. Thank you again for your kind words xx

[mo229]

Hi Vicki, I’ve come to this forum because I’m going through a similar situation with my partner (or ex- as of last week). He had been clean for a year and we have had the most amazing year together, he’s the most kind loving genuine person when he’s clean, I love that man so much. We have just been away on a month long trip, and we had to cut it short due to the pandemic and return to separate houses. I felt sick with the thought of a lockdown because I knew he was going to get worse. He started relapsing whilst we were away even with the thought of coming home to a lockdown and now the stress of not being able to leave, be with me or do the things we had planned to do has caused him to use more and go downhill massively, so much so he rang me last week blind drunk and ended things with me on the phone, completely out of the blue and out of character, because ‘he needed to be on his own’. The boyfriend I know and love has just been replaced by this cold addict with no emotion. The only way I can cope with it is just knowing that when they’re in the grip of it, they’re a different person with different feelings. As you said it’s almost like they use the pandemic as an excuse to use again.

I just hope and pray he gets the strength to somehow pull himself out of it and cope during this awful time, and maybe eventually try to salvage our relationship that seemed perfect just a matter of a few weeks ago. But speaking to counsellors, and also other people on here, we also need to take care of ourselves during this time and I’m so sorry you have to go through this living in the same household, with children. Must be so tough. But you’re not alone. Sending lots of love x

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