[mshurt]

Dear Esta,

you could probably understand me and give me some encouragement as it is really not enough that i am trying to talk to myself.

So; he was hanging up on me lately whenever i mentioned what he did to me and although he says he is sorry; and he never wanted to hurt me; but he says that he wont say something different what i would like to hear; and i said how i want to feel that he cares about me and he really feels sorrow. Instead; while being with his friend he says that he does care, but he wont show the sorrow as he felt living 18 months in misery with me since i tried to turn him into someone he thinks he is not although he asked me so many times to better his life and thanked me for the life we built. Now when i dumped him (as he says), he feels that i gave him life of misery by enabling things for him and not letting him to be in control. To mention that we spoke so many times about these things and were giving each other love and saying we shall work things out; but he knew what will hurt me and although he said he did it under influence and he would never do it with clear conceious ; i start to believe that he did it in purpose to prove me how he feels great without me controlling things and how he wants to feel the power. Guess who he always calls to talk to and discuss solutions ? – ME.

He has guts to say that i made his life miserable by actually standing and supporting him even in bad decisions but i had faith.

I am crushed. I wrote him an email about it how it hurts to hear that he calls our adventures life miserable in front of a few of his friends; but when he speaks to me he says that he was happy and that he is trying to point fingers into me to be that person who suggested him to go to treatements and patiently waited to build things together. His response to my email is that he does not know what to say but it is killing him to be without me; but then he says that he never said that he can not live without me and that he misses his independence to be alone; but when it comes to leave the house he asks me how can i ask him to leave when he has no place to go.

I just can not win and i am not trying. I am even saying to stay until he finds something as i really feel bad to leave him on the street although i know he will find his way – he is a survivor.

Any suggestion for me how i handle these comments of him telling people how i made his life miserable but when with me alone he says that he was very happy but upset that i dumped him and how he wanted to get out of this relationship a long time ago as he was not able to do things he wanted to do as an addict.

All these treatments….for nothing and he says he will go into recovery and puts all the blame on me how i behave crazy when he actually hangs up the phone and then i stopped answering his calls since i did not want to feel disrespected anymore. I am a communicator; but i became very stressed out not knowing how to respond to his manipulation as this is my first time and i only thought he wanted better life and he proved me with treatments and i was happy seeing that he started having things under his own control as i only wanted a partner and not to control anyone’s unpredictable behaviors. But it is all my fault.

Please advise. I really hurt and i know that we were happy until the point when he had to reduce it and stop and once the chance was out of my site and out of treatment – the bad decisions happened.

Thank you.

Mshurt

[mshurt]

Dear Esta,

I can not express enough of my gratitude. I am reading your response and like i would have written it to a third person; but it is so hard to write it to myself. I even allowed him to come closer to me by just talking on the phone as he is still on the work trip and i decided to try to regain trust as i know he will be on the street if i kick him out and he has things to finish.

I decided i am leaving by the end of the month and he will come back by then, but out of nowhere i got a job here and wanted just to run away sooo far away so i am not around; but i need a job. I am still praying for q job in a different state so i can just move far far away. I checked the phone bill again and noticed that sexting contiued although reduced since we have talked normal lately. I know i am looking for excuses and i see it all what you wrote and not sure why i look where he will live when he does not care how i feel.

I thought that this new job appeared as a sign to make it bette; but i am lieing to myself.

Thank you for your response. I know i will be making a big deal about the whole sexting thing and probably drive myself crazy when he returns and i can not trust him. I know i need to save myself no matter how much i love him. He does manipulate a lot and he will lie to their own therapists how he is clean; and i keep on keeping my mouth shut against my own beliefs.

I know i need to save myself and i know i am stronger than how i act now and write. Thank you for sharing with me your views and i loved reading your encouraging message.

Thank you. I hope to move on soon.

Mshurt

[mshurt]

Dear jmp2121,

I was reading your life and saw my own in it. We are only 6 months longer in a relationship and the only reason why i stayed longer to love him and support him was because he decided to drop the addiction; to reduce the usage of weed and in the last month, he did not use it.

Once he got a chance to get out of town for work, he let himself off-leash and used stronger drugs which led him to cheat on me with an escort. This just happened.

I can only say that I let myself gain from stress and constant worry if he was okay when smoking and i was getting frustrated coming back from work and seeing him high when i in reality looked forward to come home and hug him and go for a bike ride; that was not possible as he was too high. Drugs are stronger than themselves.

I trusted he wants to change; that he wants better life; and after we stopped camping; our life became more boring. He turned himself more to weed; i worked a lot and kept on gaining weight. Of course i became un-attracted to him.

Until they decide to do for themselves; they wont stop.

He kept on telling me to save myself and to leave him; but i kept on being supportive as i know he is a hard core and treatment started helping him. However; out of all my support it came out that i was controlling him and mothering him; and trust me – none of us wants to be like that. So, i can not tell you what to do; as i did not allow anyone else to tell me and i hid from everyone what he does; i actually pulled away from my friends as i did not want to start bothering then with my daily stress.

He puts it all on me saying that he numbs himself because he is bored; and sees that he makes me unhappy . I became frustrated a lot and i am very tolerant and funny person; but i guess he just never learned how to live life and i tried to give him life by even buying him a dog for depression but it turned out that dog started annoying him as well.

He wanted me to get my life back and constantly tried to sabotage relationship when he feels sorry for himself. Once he started taking depression meds; i saw the improvements. If he would go to a doctor to get depression meds or any pills that stop craving for weed; that could help.

While him being surrounded by people doing the same what he does – he will never stop.

I believed in miracle as i always do. I had and still have faith for him, but after cheating i can not stay around although i know that substance did it. And i contributed by letting myself down with my look as i constantly worried about him. All of a sudden he starts getting better; and i was not myself anymore and i started being boring to him just because i did not want to smoke.

I am trying to say that none should compromise as drugs are stronger and sorry to say so. I still do believe he can recover, but this time i said that he needs to be inpatient. And i love him very very much. I still do although i know he hurt me; but it was not him, it was the substance. They just need treatment.

Please, take care of you and try to step out if he does not want to change for himself. He can try to do it for you, but as soon as the first opportunity, drugs attract them.

Hope this help. Try not to let yourself go down more. I did it after one year being with him and we lived together for one year. I love him with all my broken heart, but realizing he needs to do it with professionals for himself and if it is meant to be, it will come back and forgiveness in my heart would come along too.

Hope this helped; good luck and take care of you!

[Author]

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