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Hi, I am the mother of a 35 year old who has been a heroin addict for the past 20 years. He has ADHD and other mental problems and has been in and out of prison, lived at home and independently (with a bad outcome). We have tried to help him, stuck by him to the detriment of our health, now aged 68 and 61 we feel we deserve a life too. When we returned from our last holiday we discovered he had stolen money from our bank account , he had been using heroin, crack cocaine etc and built up a debt with some nasty characters. We told him he had to leave and I went to the council with him to register him as homeless. He is now sofa surfing whilst waiting for a hostel place. He looks terrible and its breaking my heart to see him suffering. He’s shoplifting again and its only a matter of time before he’s arrested .I always said I would not put him out as it would not help. I now believe that ‘helping’ him all these years was actually enabling him. He did not have to face up to the realities of his drug taking as he had a nice comfortable Home to come back to and mummy and daddy to help sort out his problems. Now he has to face up to his addiction and the consequences. We cannot do that for him and I realise that by ‘helping’ him I have actually helped him to waste years as an addict going round and round In a circle of methadone,clean, heroin, methadone,clean, heroin. Nothing has changed other than we are all older and have wasted many many many years trying to help him. He is the only one who can help himself. It’s tough but you have to stop helping him and then he will have to face up to his problems and help himself. You keep him at home he can still do drugs, still overdose, still steal and cheat and lie .You cannot fix him. I do hope you can get some support to help,you make a difficult decision. Xx
I feel for you smeeeee, my son has been a heroin addict for the past 20 years and he has also said that I did terrible things to him. I even started to wonder if it was true, I felt utterly destroyed. However I know I did not do them the same as you did not hurt your daughter. She is being manipulative which is something drug addicts are very adept at doing. Is there not a drug agency which deals with addicts and families in your area where you could talk to someone for some support. You also need to try and talk to your son to make him see that your daughter is sick and to ask himself does he seriously believe that the mother who he loves and wants to help would have been cruel to his sibling. I am so sorry you are having a tough time, I know how it feels. I am now on anti anxiety medication and find I can cope much better. Perhaps a trip to the GP and also try and find a way of building a life for yourself in the new area. Contact your local Age Uk and see what they have in your area. It may be a way for you to meet new people and give you something else to focus on. Good luck