[natalie130]

I totally understand that, it took me a long time to get to that place and I felt like the worst person in the world doing it when I had to take him to the salvation army. The whole thing of “how can I do this to my Dad, I literally have a roof he could live under” but from doing a lot of work on myself and with the support group I had got to a place where I knew that he would not get better if I then took him in and the pros of making him ‘homeless’ outweighed the cons.

For me I have stopped challenging his behaviour as it just leads to arguments as he will always lie and deny it as he unfortunately doesn’t want to get better. However at the start you need to do that to be able to get to a place where you can feel like there is nothing else I can do, it’s up to him to get better etc. etc. (I hope that all makes sense!?)

In one of our support group sessions we had a talk from a man who has been clean from drugs for 4 years now and he said something that really made me think. He said nothing was enough for him to stop, not even the birth of his new daughter, she wasn’t enough. He had to get to the place himself, which did help me as I would always get the feeling of “how can he not do this for us”. The same man also said though he had to get to his rock bottom though for that to happen.

I completely understand your worry about your brother taking his own life though etc. and there is so much guilt for us on this side of it all with everything involved with the loved one with addiction. What I will say though, and I don’t want this to sound heartless or awful but your brother is already killing himself by doing this.

I really think it would be good for you and your mum to speak to someone for support if you haven’t already. I didn’t start coping with it properly until then.

Another thing I have done since joining the group is I learnt properly about boundaries (and making sure they are boundaries I will stick to) for instance if I turn up to my Nana’s and my dad is drunk, I now just leave. Rather than challenging him and asking him if he’s drunk etc. I just leave. he knows that is something I now do so he can’t question it.

I have recently got some workbooks which I am also finding helpful by SMART recovery. They are called “Uk SMART recovery. Family and Friends Handbook” and also “SMART Recovery Handbook” (that one is for the addict) they are a very good charity.

Sorry I feel like that’s all a bit of a ramble, I hope it makes sense

[natalie130]

Hey,

I can 100% relate to this. I’m 30 and my Dad has been an alcoholic it turns out most of my life also. He is also at a stage now where we are just waiting for it to kill him as he has completely given up on life. Unlike your Dad mine was occasionally physically abusive to my mum and they are no longer together but he lives with his elderly mother and this enables him to drink still.

I completely understand your feelings of anger and then heartbreak at the same time though.

Can you see if there is a support group you (and your mum) can join, I joined one local to me about 6 months ago and it is the best thing I have ever done. Speaking with others in a similar situation and learning about enabling and other things has been so beneficial for me. I also started going to art therapy, which was a safe place for me to feel like I can get all the anger and hatred I feel for him at times out, so it wasn’t just whirling around in my head anymore. I was in a bad place a few months ago but I feel like a different person now and the guilt I had has gone now which was one of the things I struggled the most with.

Natalie

[natalie130]

Hi Februraymarie,

Firstly I’m so sorry you are going through this. Whilst I cannot fully relate to this as I have an alcoholic father not a son, I still read your post and understood so much of what you are saying. It sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing to me, the worst thing we can do as loved ones with someone with an addiction is to enable them (even though it is the most natural thing for us to do which is why it is SO ridiculously hard to cut that cycle).

It sounds like your son does need to hit his rock bottom for him to have a chance of recovery, I know this from my Dad’s situation. He started engaging with services and showing signs of recovery when I got him removed from his elderly mums home, however unfortunately she took him back in and is in complete denial about his drinking and therefore enables him everyday and because of this he is the worst he has ever been.

Up until a few months ago I was starting to struggle with my mental health because of it, but I started going to art therapy (sounds a bit hippy dippy but honestly is one of the best things I have ever done!) I also started attending a monthly support group which is local to me for people affected by a loved ones drinking and this has also been amazing, hearing others in the same situation and being able to learn so much from them. I know from the group the people who are doing the best and have sons in recovery are those who have shown ‘tough love’.

I really admire how you are dealing with this and I really think you should be proud of how strong you are being! You need to start putting yourself first as also you can’t help anyone if you’re not in a fit state yourself.

Sending you all the love,

Natalie

[natalie130]

Hi,

So sorry to hear about your brother, I relate to this a lot as my Dad is an alcoholic and unfortunately he also wont get help. I am pretty sure that most people with an addiction have underlying depression issues and the alcohol is used to supress their feelings of depression.

I didn’t know about how I was ‘enabling’ my dad to drink for years until I started attending a monthly support group. Enabling them is doing anything from giving them money, food, shelter (all the things as loved ones we want to give them as seeing them suffer in unbearable) but as long as they have someone enabling them they unfortunately wont get better. They need to hit their rock bottom and do it for themselves. My dad lives with his elderly mum who herself is in denial about his drinking, I managed to get him removed from the house when I first realised we were all enabling him and it was the best he had been in years, he was engaging with the services and we started to see changes in him which was amazing. Then my nana took him back under his roof and since then we have been right back to square one.

I know it is easier said than done and it is so heart breaking but it sounds like your brother is being enabled to drink as he is living with your mum. Could you both think about him being moved into some other housing. This doesn’t mean you’re both not there to support him and love him but it means he will have to help himself and will maybe start coming to terms with his addiction?

Also for yourselves can you find a support group for you both to attend, this is the best thing I have ever done. Speaking to others in the same situation so you know you are not alone. I have learnt so much from the people in my group and I am in a much better place mentally as it really was starting to take it’s toll on me. It is also clear from the group I attend, the people who’s loved ones are in recovery are those with the families that have shown ‘tough love’ and have hit their ‘rock bottom’

Again i’m so sorry you are going through this, it is so so tough. I really hope you can get some more help with this.

Best wishes,

Natalie

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