[navy]

Hi there

I hope your doing ok? I need to vent I hope this is ok.

I’ve had enough now, today has been awful, I’ve been trying to keep it together but I can’t no more, I have to tell him that I know he is still using it’s all over the house, his attitude stinks, his behaviour is awful.

I’m breaking my heart, I’m sobbing as I write this as he’s gone to bed feeling unwell, he’s Stressed out, he’s done to much!!!!

I think I’m broken, I have to tell him tomorrow. I can’t live like this. He makes me feel that this is my fault that everyone is against him, no one loves him he is on his own.

. OMG I started my day at 6am and got back to the house at6.30pm, cooked, washed up and made box for tomorrow all whilst he watched and complained about everyone and everything. As I’m tyding up I find the white stuff on my units and on the floor! He can’t even see it. Aaarrrggghh

I know I have to tell him now, I’m just so scared of what he might do, oh god why do I feel like this, he is a grown adult he needs to be told.

Thank you for listening I’m feeling a little better since writing this down and sharing

Hope everyone out there is doing ok and looking after themselves xx

[navy]

Hi James

I’ve re-read your post and I just want to ask when you have had a day & or night on cocaine do you actually wake up and remember the day before? do you know what you said? You said you feel guilty is this because you lied. I’m sorry if I’m dragging up things but your advice is very grateful

Is this why you want to sleep all day and only wake up to eat do you know this is because of your use? I’m trying to understand as today he has slept all day. I woke up not very well and had to cancel my day until my medication worked which they did 3 hours in.

He had to do a call which he did I stayed in my room then came down to get water I said to him I’m going to shower then clean upstairs he said he needed an hour which is fine. When he knew I was cleaning he got anxious. (I think I know why) white powder on floor & I found it in a cupboard!!!!! I didn’t say anything I went about getting it done he slept.

When I finished I said let’s go for lunch out he said I’m not well and went to bed (I’m sad) He was anxious around me. I felt I shouldn’t be there that I’m in the way.

I went out anyway. When I came back he was still asleep. I made dinner he ate it and has gone back to sleep is this because he took it last night and is on a come down? Does it make you sleep that much.

When did you get cravings? Is it always the same time? I know you said it’s a voice in his head and I know I have to write this letter I’m just so upset I don’t think I will ever trust him again and I don’t think he is going to be willing to be tested or talk to me about it. I guess I know it’s going to be over and I need to be prepared.

It’s also not that easy to leave as I have another situation to attend to which I have others depending on me but I also know I need to look after myself otherwise my condition is going to flare up and I’m going to be unwell.

Thank you again for your advice and guidance through my situation.

Navy xx

[navy]

Hi themidgetgem

Hope your doing ok?

You are definitely a strong woman keep your chin up and as long as you are looking after yourself and getting on with your life then good on you. If you can do this whilst sharing a house your defo a strong woman.

I hope to be as strong as you and get this letter written soon. I’m so scared but I know it’s the right thing to do it’s just timing it.

Take care xx

[navy]

Hi themidgetgem

Your basically living on your own. If he wants to be single and act that way he does, he should move out. He stays because you provide him shelter & food.

Do you give him money?

Where does he get his money from to buy drugs?

Can you leave and get somewhere else to live?

I know it shouldn’t be you to leave.

Do you have children? It’s hard when you have children. I’m lucky there I don’t have children.

I have to be strong and think of myself, and do what James advise me to do. As this is making me Ill and I hate lying to the people I love who care and just want me to be happy and are concerned about me.

Im sitting here in spare room again on my own, thinking about the letter I need to write.

Take care and stay strong

Xxx

[navy]

Hi James

Thank you

Your words made me cry so much. But it all reads so true. I really don’t know if he realises what he is doing to me.

Thank you for your advice I need to be strong and word a letter the right way so he understands how much I love him but I can’t live like this. He had lost another friend . I’m not sure why. He now doesn’t have any close friends. He doesn’t go anywhere.

He wants to be on his own today so I’m down My parents and taking my dad out for lunch. I’ve said about us going for a walk later but he said no he will see me tomorrow?!

I’m hoping to have the courage to write this letter to him this week and I will stay in a hotel as I don’t want my parents to worry about me.

Thank you for your support, help and guidance in this horrible journey that I’m going through.

Thank you so much xx

[navy]

Hi there

How do you know he is doing this everyday? Do you find the powder or is it tat he sleeps the following day with grazing whilst awake.

You must be heart broken too.

Why are you still with him if you know about the cheating? I don’t know if my husband as ever cheated on me I know he flirted once I front of me many years ago!!

You really need to look after yourself and have support around you. Your life is important and people love you. Please never let yourself get to the point of ending your life because of a man. My best friend did this she hang her self and left two beautiful children behind I still don’t know why she didn’t reach out for help. I hate him fir what he did. I know don’t have a best friend.

I’m sending you all

My love and thinking of you be strong and take care xx

[navy]

Hi all

I need to write down how I’m feeling. I’m struggling. I’m angry, I’m upset.

I’m hurting so badly I don’t know what to do. My husband is still on cocaine (years) I don’t know what to do. He has mental health issues too for years and lost his dad a couple of months ago so I’ve been treading carefully and trying to understand his feelings. I’ve found the white stuff on the units and bathroom again!!!!

I know he is still using he was so angry with me today and I needed help he has gone into another room left me on my own. I know he is feeling like this from using and I want to tell him that I know he is using but I’m scared if I confront him what he will do. He is so angry he says he needs someone to love him he will never ever ask for help. I tried to get him to sit and talk to me.

It’s tearing me apart I’m so upset he’s not the husband I once knew. He would have been so caring, loving and would do anything for me.

He says everyone always wants something from him gets all the shit in work

I know he is grieving after his dad but he needs to talk not use cocaine. I never thought he would be like this as the relationship wasn’t close. Perhaps he feels guilty and wished he had been closer!!

What do I need to do? Do I need to be strong and tell him that I know he is still using and tell him I’m going to leave if he doesn’t get help and point him in the direction of CA and the 12 steps, and I need proof that he is taking these steps.

I feel sick. Thank you for listening to me x

[navy]

I wish you all the best. Well done for admitting and getting help, this must be the hardest thing to do.

I wish my husband would admit it or even talk to me about it. I’m still hoping I’m wrong but today has been hard he has slept all day and grazed when he awake, then blames me for that he uncomfortable sitting with me to watch tv (which he is asleep anyway).

Take it day by day don’t look into the future. I’m sure as the days turn into weeks and into months you will start to feel better. I’m glad you have your mum support. More support is out there keep it up and post on here how well you are doing and the days you feel like your struggling as I’m sure we are all here to support you too. Keep it up, stay strong xx

[navy]

Hi Jamesb

I have a few questions if you don’t mind. You don’t have to answer-:

You said you loved your partner but the drug over takes you.

Do you remember what you say when you hurt?

When your not taking the drug do you feel on your own or want to be on your own?

Do you have withdrawals such as anxiety? Snuffy nose? Eating crap food? Tired and need to sleep?

How long is it until the drug overtakes you to take again?

Have you managed to kick the addiction or get help to get you through it. Hope you are now stronger.

Take care x

[navy]

Hi jamesb

Thank you so much for your reply

I’ve read and re-read your post to understand how he is feeling.

I’m trying

However I wanted to talk about his addiction but he has told me he is not using. He did and has always used (recreational)since I met him. which to me is saying he has lied to me all my life. He said I need to love him unconditionally and get past that he used cocaine. As I’ve asked previously especially when my cousin died from taking drugs and drowned in a river and wasn’t found for 6 weeks!!

I think this is why I hurt so much.

He also has mental illness and was diagnosed this when I was with him as he had bouts of anxiety but I’m thinking again was it really because of his mental health or is his mental illness because of the use of drugs!!

I wish he would talk to me about it but he shuts me out. He is upstairs now as can’t sit in living room & watch tv with me as he sniffly and needs to talk through the programme so he now has anxiety. I need to watch tv without distraction but I will try again for him. As you can see I do love him but if I find that he has been using again I will have to leave as it’s effecting my health.

Thank you for your support and helping me to understand that addiction is an illness but can only be helped if they want it.

Thank you for sharing your story xx

[navy]

Thank you for responding and letting me know that you have the same experience as me.

We had a good day yesterday we did get out and friends joined us for lunch we had a lovely meal and drink and was home by 7pm.

Today he is suffering ,he says he didn’t sleep last night and is tired today. He is sniffly and is experiencing chest pains so going to use a Neti as can’t breath and taking paracetamol and going for a sleep he said he is not leaving me all day on my own.

I’m not sure if he used last night as I’m trying so much not to watch and judge but with the way he is feeling today I think he is struggling.

I hope your doing ok it’s such a shame that you feel like a single mum your child must see it too.

Look after yourself too

Thinking of you and thank you xx

[navy]

Hi Rae2022

Hope you are doing ok and staying strong.

I’m in turmoil again, I’m sure he used drugs yesterday to get though a stressful day as when I got home from work he had a headache and needed to go to bed, I ended up eating alone again and Iam sure there were traces of white powder that had been wiped down. I think he is now cleaning up after himself but he will slip up if I’m right. ( I want to be wrong) He went to bed (separate) room.

I got up the following morning and went to the gym early, he text me to say he has anxiety just before I finished, I text back that I won’t be long as we were going to go out. I got home and he said he hadnt shower but there was no rush was there. I knew then we wouldn’t be going anywhere. I showered and he asked me if we could have a chilled day. I said I would do the Cleaning and washing then as it’s a beautiful day. He slept on and off all day.…. It was coming up to lunch time and I made food, he ate it and then asked me to watch tv which I did and he slept most of the way through it so I didn’t see the point, I went to the kitchen and done the ironing, he was back & fo grazing on food (this is the come down I think) later in the afternoon, I tried again to sit and watch tv but he kept falling asleep, I had to go out on an errand and he went and made sandwiches for himself and ate them I said I was about to do an early dinner. He said on your way back you can pick up takeaway I said there is nothing around open.

I made him food when I got in he ate all of it, I cleaned up and went into living room to watch tv but he started to get agitated and said a few hurtful things, he lays down on the sofa to watch tv, so he is now complaint that he can’t breath through his nose it’s blocking up he is embarrassed to be sniffing he is also falling asleep again whilst we are trying to watch tv.

I may as well be in another room!!!!!!! He has gone to bed In a huff. Want the hell is all that about. And I forgot to put the quilt back which he complained about. Aaarrrggghhh

I’ve lost it, I’m angry I’ve done everything today.

Do addicts have problems with their nose? He uses a neti he says for sinuses and hay fever which I think is BS he uses it too many times. He also takes a lot of pain killers he goes through paracetamol like smarties. This is where the headache comes from I think….

I wonder what tomorrow will bring. Iam hoping for a good day, I don think we will be going out tho, I reckon he will be ill? It’s going to be my fault, I didn’t listen when he said about not being able to breath which meant when he went to bed he couldn’t sleep for anxiety !!!!!

Sorry for rambling, xx

[navy]

Hi

I’m getting used to this forum sorry think I replied on wrong person,

Thinking of you both.

I’ve just read the posts, I’m so gutted for you, it’s heartbreaking, you give them your all and it’s not enough. Hope you stay strong. It’s going to be tough. You sound like such a lovely person who shouldn’t be going through this, I wish you all the best and thinking of you

Take care of yourselfs xx

[navy]

Hi Rae2022

Thank you for your reply

I think I’m naive in thinking he is going to stop. Yes he blames me for being unhappy I need to be happy and give him Unconditional love that is what he said to me

I want to believe him.

He went out last night and I really don’t know if he did it. he got up with a bad chest!

I went shopping leaving him to relax.

I got home to find it on the sofa. I’m thinking did I not clean the sofa! I’m blaming myself that this was from previous use not today. I think I’m trying to block it out.

I go to the gym twice a week which is good for me. I work full time too.

I’m going to try again and see how it goes.

Did you end up leaving your husband?

I hope you are stronger and keeping well now. I’m not sure how strong Iam but I will try.

Thank you so much

Take care x

[Author]

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