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Olivia – you already know what you need to do. It won’t get better love 🙁
You really need to be selfish and like you said think about your child and yourself.
It will drive you to the point you think you’re going crazy. No trust, won’t believe a word out of their mouth and you won’t be happy.
I hope you’re okay and looking after yourself in the meantime. I know how unbelievably hard it is. I only did just over a year because I physically couldn’t do it – I was an anxious paranoid mess.
I know it’s easier said than done though – please look after and be kind to yourself xxxx
Aw ladies it’s just horrendous what you’re going through.
You’re trying to fix them while loosing yourself.
The love you have for them is simply not enough.
I only suffered just over one short year which felt like hell every single day. I can’t believe you’ve all been suffering for so long.
I have not spoken to my ex since I left him and i wish him all the best and hope one day he can be clean. But i will never forgive him for dragging me into his chaotic life.
I feel peace and have found myself again.
You lose your self identity when you live every day praying they don’t use again and suffering the anxiety of when they do use again.
I promise you the only tunnel you can go down where there is light at the end is the one you go through alone.
This is no way to live and I wish you all the best and pray you find the strength to move on with your life because I promise there is life without them.
Please keep yourself safe and look after yourself and children first and foremost.
Lots of love
xxxxxxxxxxx
Thank you so much for all of your advice and just ur insight into everything. I can’t believe there’s a whole community of us who are in the same position struggling day and and day out just to live with this.
But I am so happy to say I haven’t looked back since my last thread. He took his stuff and I deleted his number. I feel free, content and right now happy.
It’s only been 4 short months but I’m finding myself again and healing from the trauma he inflicted on me.
If I can do it, anyone can.
Hope everyone is ok, sending lots of love xx
What an absolute roller coaster of emotions our lives are!
All for what? For someone to inhail something that’s going to make them pace up and down for hours!!
I love this forum and feel it’s saved me in a way.. I know I’m not crazy I know its not all in my head!
So it got so much worse he was sneaking off 2/3 times a week.. even told me once his mum was in hospital snd he needed to go be with her?? I knew instantly it was a lie. I would beg and plead with him to please stop and come home I threatened family I threatened police. Nothing worked.
It happened again on Monday just gone so I went to his house.. he welcomed me in and said look I’m not doing anything… all i could think was not downstairs but it’s probably upstairs or u knew I’d come or ur waiting etc etc… in that moment I thought absolutely no more I’m acting crazy!!!
They make us paranoid and anxious and it’s too much! Last summer I suffered so bad it was the lowest point of my life. I can’t go back there again!
I told him no more.. all of his things are bagged and have been sitting in my flat since Monday.. every day there’s an excuse why he can’t get them… I’ve told him collect them tomorrow or they’re in the street.
I can no longer pitty him or want to fix him because I’m currently fixing myself.
I blame myself for even thinking I would help him. I’m triggered by any drug talk.. tv documentaries drug talk in work.. anything.. it makes me feel sick to my core.
Between the drugs, lies, mental and emotional torture, escorts, sex meet up sites and just general topic behaviour he has ruined me!
I’m almost 29 and this man has single handedly ruined my mental health in the short space of one year – sickening!!!!
How is everyone doing?
Sending so much love
Xx
What an absolute roller coaster of emotions our lives are!
All for what? For someone to inhail something that’s going to make them pace up and down for hours!!
I love this forum and feel it’s saved me in a way.. I know I’m not crazy I know its not all in my head!
So it got so much worse he was sneaking off 2/3 times a week.. even told me once his mum was in hospital snd he needed to go be with her?? I knew instantly it was a lie. I would beg and plead with him to please stop and come home I threatened family I threatened police. Nothing worked.
It happened again on Monday just gone so I went to his house.. he welcomed me in and said look I’m not doing anything… all i could think was not downstairs but it’s probably upstairs or u knew I’d come or ur waiting etc etc… in that moment I thought absolutely no more I’m acting crazy!!!
They make us paranoid and anxious and it’s too much! Last summer I suffered so bad I was suicidal.. lowest point of my life. I can’t go back there again!
I told him no more.. all of his things are bagged and have been sitting in my flat since Monday.. every day there’s an excuse why he can’t get them… I’ve told him collect them tomorrow or they’re in the street.
I can no longer pitty him or want to fix him because I’m currently fixing myself.
I blame myself for even thinking I would help him. I’m triggered by any drug talk.. tv documentaries drug talk in work.. anything.. it makes me feel sick to my core.
Between the drugs, lies, mental and emotional torture, escorts, sex meet up sites and just general topic behaviour he has ruined me!
I’m almost 29 and this man has single handedly ruined my mental health in the short space of one year – sickening!!!!
How is everyone doing?
Sending so much love
Xx
The awkward thing is he stays here because he hides in his house to do it. He’d never do it around anyone he will literally lock himself away. My flat is like his safe space. Which I’m fine with because to be honest he’s never been abusive or violent with me at all.. (am I naivete for thinking this won’t be the case in the future??) He has control over the addiction (to a certain degree) and can go weeks/months without it.
It doesn’t consume me like it used to but I know its there and its not going away. However, just because its once every couple of weeks doesn’t mean I’m prepared to put up with it.
I fear it will escalate as he wasn’t even smoking when he first got together (can tell by his behaviour and his general life was going really well).
I just know this isn’t how my life was supposed to pan out. I read this blog over and over for months because it was just crazy how the experiences tend to be the same.
Your hit hard.. you tried to ‘save him’ .. and its so true and so sad!
I want to save him but not prepared to jump of the cliff with him.
I guess there is no saving them?
Thank you again for all your advise and words. I know ill get there one day I guess I just need to hit my breaking point.
I will definitely go on that chat, but I think I will save it for a day he’s using and I feel hopeless!
I hope your taking really good care of yourself and feel supported in your journey, you deserve all the love and happiness the world has to offer!
Hmm with mine he won’t text me at all and definitely not answer the phone if he’s using. Purely because I assume he’s so out of it? I know he drowns in self pity too. Well yes he used to be the most amazing boyfriend in the world.. but for the last 6 or so months its as if he hates me. Wont come near me is generally off I can’t do right for doing wrong. Its upsetting daily without the use even coming into it. Is this all part and parcel?? I do feel that the next time he uses i must use it as my escape and cling onto the usage to break free from him because I truly can’t live like this anymore.
Wow… I really feel for you! You should be so proud of yourself how far you have come!
He had managed to keep this a great secret only his brother knows (mum thinks its cocaine and doesn’t know the half of it) so I feel I’m fighting this battle alone. Only recently I made him give me his brothers number and was able to contact him. He was so apologetic and couldn’t tell me how sorry he was to put this all on me. My partner has never said anything of the sort and made me think.. do you know what, yes this is all on me and he’s the one who’s made it this way.
He plays the victim.. poor me and its him who’s going through it and not me. Is this just the manipulation or does he seriously think this way? Crazy!
I truly hope you continue to find the strength to never look back to that man. And I truly hope I find mine!
I would lock my friend in a room until she came to her senses – I feel my heart is taking so much longer to accept what my mind already knows!
This is the absolute worst thing.. I am not in denial at all. This has been going on for almost 6 years (could be more but this is what he says). I’ve confided in friends and am so lucky to have such amazing people around me that all tell me the same – run for the hills!
I’m so unsure why I can’t let go when I know I will be SO much happier once I’ve healed. If I’m honest I’ve had some terrible boyfriends but never toxic. I feel this relationship has truly ruined me! I absolutely believe supporting an addict is traumatising and I don’t think ill ever be the same.do you feel this way? You’re right I’m not ready to let go.. every time I tell myself (and him) the next time it happens I’m gone.. that comes and goes and I’m here still!
And no you’re completely right he will do anything for the drug he’s even sworn on his kids lives he’s not smoking when i knew he was. He doesn’t see what its doing to me even though I tell him! But I know he probably doesn’t care. I know he wants out of that life I truly believe it.. what I don’t believe is that he ever will. Even if he’s clean for the next 10 years it will always be in the back of my mind that he could be doing it. I cannot sit on top of a grown man day in day out hoping he’s clean Its so draining! Its made me a different person.. I’ve had times I wish he would just use 247 so I would escape and he would sit in his own misery forever and leave me alone! Which is an awful thought to even have I know.. i feel like I’m going insane.
Have you cut contact with your ex completely? I am so happy your finding yourself again and gives me hope there’s a light at the end of the tunnel!
Thank you so much for your kind words! Xx
I’ve read this whole thread and can relate totally.
I’m only 28 and got with my partner just shy of a year ago. Ago 4 months in someone told me he is an on off crack addict. When I confronted him he hung his head in shame and admitted to me he used to use when his dad and cousin both sadly passed away very close together. I believed he no longer used as he said. We isolated together in March but he was still working. There would then be occasions he was popping out (this started before lockdown) and would give me excuse after excuse why he was taking so long. Eventually I would get fed up and tell him to stay at his own house. This one occasion he did the same in the end I went to his house after about 6 hours I had a key and he had the chain on and wouldn’t let me in or tell me what was going on. I thought he was cheating on me I was distraught. The next day he admitted to me he was smoking. After a few times of this happening he sought out professional help. He does weekly online meetings but I feel things are getting worse. He has a job and maintains bills so he functions but very recently he started an argument with me and went home. Normally I wouldn’t accuse him for fear of offending him. This time I just knew in my gut (his brother knows everything) I contacted his brother and between us both bombarding him he eventually came home to me. If I’m honest I feel so manipulated and unhappy. I’ve never suffered with my own mental health infact I do support work with mental health!! But lately I’m so down im riddled with the anxiety of if he’s going to come home etc. He is not the person he used to be and I feel so stuck in a rut its unreal. He stays at my house 247 his house is literally like a crack den now it makes me feel sick!! I’m not sure what I’m even asking here but I just found comfort reading this thread knowing im not the only one in this position! Its not even been a year and I’ve had to practically drag him out of his house over it.. what’s next?? Dens? Me searching for him all hours of the night. I love him so deeply but don’t think this will ever go away. Its draining me and making me mentally unstable!! I wish I could just walk away and never look back!