[noideaforascreenname]

It’s tough being in the in between stage, in there too. They say they’ve quit or quitting or working on it….but it’s so hard to drop your guard. I think they all think they can do it “once in awhile” even if they can’t. Someone posted watch louise Clark’s videos, I did and they were really helpful try and show me the mentality of an addict.

[noideaforascreenname]

Hey, our situations sound really similar and you sound like a very smart and caring partner who can still have “healthy” thoughts about this. I hear you on wanting to feel more prepared to deal with it. I’ve read a ton, watched videos etc, I’ve even been to my own counsellor so I could learn to try and be “cool with it”.

We had a situation two months ago when I went away with a girl friend for the night….long story short he used, and there was lies involved of course. I came back the next day dead ass calm and told him that I can’t be with a cocaine user let alone become a blended family and raise 4 kids with one (he has two boys). I tried to avoid coming home and having the talk while he was on a come down, but me not coming home would have been awful for him and I just couldn’t do that (though with hindsight I wish I did). When he’s coming down he’s what I call “flat” for days and says all the right things….and then that disappears and now we’re back in this awkward place where he hasn’t brought it up for weeks and I don’t know if should (like “hey just checking in how’s it going quitting coke”) or if I should just totally ignore it in absence of any “incident” of catching him red handed.

Deep down he doesn’t want to quit yet, I know it. He thinks he can use “one in awhile”….even though before quarantine he was using multiple times per week. His job in sales was the issue, always entertaining clients, going to concerts sporting events etc. He was literallly paid to party. He still has his same job, so I told him even though the use is minor now…he’s a fool for thinking he can go back to that environment and not have a weekly or worse habit again. To be clear I mean when our city opens back up, we’re still in strict quarantine right now, working from home, no dine in restaurants etc

One of my fears is that I won’t know when to truly leave….when is it really the last chance? I’m sure you can relate, and it’s sucks that the benchmark is “when it impacts your daughter”….that’s mine too. But I wish they’d get it through their heads that rock bottom is when you put down the shovel, not when you let it progress to hurt your family and children!

Anyways, long winded way to say that I’m happy to chat and offer support. It’s not easy loving someone with a cocaine issue. I’m trying to find my way through this too. Sometimes, for no reason, I’ll convince myself I’m being stupid and come up with my plan to leave….but then I go back to “well it’s not bad…..yet!”

[noideaforascreenname]

Thanks! I think I’m pretty good at knowing when he’s right messed up on it through some of the things you point out. He chews tobacco so that covers the jaw symptoms. If he comes home shit faced after a night out with friends that do it, he gets super lovey dovey, saying he loves me ten times and “thank you for loving me”. That’s usually my give away but at that point he’s so wasted it’s obvious. He says why do you care if I do it if I’m nice to you…..but as I’m sure many on here know, the honeymoon will end if his habit gets worse and it will absolutely end up hurting me and our 4 kids. He’s had a daily/multiple times per week habit in his past (a decade ago, got clean he says by changing jobs). If it got that bad once, my logic is it will again if he never gets treatment and is now back in another job where cocaine is all over the place (oil and gas sales)

I guess it’s more the “how bad have you hit it in the past from people and what did you get away with” that’s in my mind. Or on the other side, what was hid from you. Like, do people do just small amounts and get away with it all the time with their partners none the wiser? Just thinking they’re in a good mood or whatever?

Prior to him I have had zero experience with this stuff, but I’m not a tee totaller. I like to drink and have fun, but I draw the line at hard drugs! Especially when someone has kids

[noideaforascreenname]

Thanks! Really appreciate your insights.

We are drinkers, the times I suspect he does it aren’t sober during the day but when we’ve had some drinks. Can someone say have a few glasses of wine, a line, and then sit and watch a movie? Or just sit around a backyard fire and not seem weirdly overly chatty or confident/arrogant? Almost like normal I guess I’m saying. The times I know he’s done it when we were out with his friends he always gets overly confident and loud and that is NOT sober him.

He doesn’t go to the bathroom a weird amount, but sometimes goes for a long time. Then again he never did go to the bathroom a lot even when his problem was bad.

Some background….pre lock down he had a 1-3x per week habit. I just didn’t realize it! Not to make excuses but coke runs rappant in the sales industry he works in. I can look back now and see how bad it was (and he’s admitted he got bad). Since April 2020 he’s barely seen “Bill” who was his primary using buddy. I do trust that he’s gotten mostly clean just based on how great our lives are and how little he goes out, but obviously I posted here for a reason.

I know he hates that he used (uses?). Last time I know for sure he did was in March. He went out to bills as I was out of town for the night. He admitted it, as I confronted him the best day because I could tell from his texts. Weird I can tell from texts but not when he’s right beside me under our own roof!

[noideaforascreenname]

Congrats! I found this site via Google and have read quite a few of your responses as I looked for help in my own situation and thank you for what you’ve shared. You got this and keep going!!!!

[Author]

Posts