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I agree with Pam, I am also living with the result of someone’s relatives constantly paying off their problems and them never having to face any consequences. The problem with paying it off is it’s not a one-off bill that goes away, there’s an endless amount they can spend and by paying it all it is doing is giving them hope that they can continue like this. Also if you pay it allows the addict to have more credit then as the ‘lender’ will see them as a viable person to keep borrowing to, it’s like your a guarantor they will always get the money with you as a back up, maybe even more next time.
Would he go to an aa meeting? You can go on them on zoom. He doesn’t have to share anything but even just logging on is a good first step.
As Sal said, dealers will let them get in a real mess before they stop borrowing them more, and the user can borrow off several people once they are socialising in those kind of circles. My husband owed an amount to a few so none of them would give him anymore but then he bumped in to an old acquaintance one day who he then started a tab with aswell. When they’ve maxed out their tabs with all the contacts they have that’s when they start feeling sorry for themselves because they can’t get any more and start promising to change. They’ll say anything to get someone else to pay off their mistakes.
They do that nastiness so that when you have a go at them their warped way of thinking justifies that they had to take some coke because even we are against them. They try to find an excuse. I usually just say I know what you are doing you’re trying to find an excuse to do it, and he has even at times admitted this once he realised. It’s not even conscious their sneaky brain can do it. You just have to ride through it (well if you can/want to).
Exactly, I’ve even had his family members saying walk away but they don’t have any kids so it’s hard to explain that to them. Thanks for understanding. I don’t know how anyone could think we would take any decision lightly in this situation. The gaps between have been getting longer, he really wants to do it this time. Been trying to stay positive. Me and the kids have loved being around him just as himself.
Hi I think it’s somewhere in between, lots of ups and downs, he’s done a lot more longer period of not doing it 3/4 days in a row, was an every day user.so he’s stuck in a cycle currently of doing the few good days, returning to normal person we enjoy being around and then after a day or so of normality he ends up doing it again. Currently struggling with being supportive as so hurt and upset that he ends up choosing it every time and then is so sorry and apparently disappointed in himself. He’s had some progress going on meetings and really related to the people he spoke to in them but basically there hasn’t been much consistency yet. They can’t do it unless they really want to can they.
Mine does too and as you say in ideal situation I would rather he didn’t but I can tolerate that. It sounds wonderful about your holiday, I haven’t been on holiday for ages and would love to, in the current situation I think I will be going without him as we really deserve a holiday and he’s not interested and isn’t in the right place at the moment. I’ve just got to be brave for me to book it for us myself and be confident to go if he won’t be coming as it’s hard to adjust as my confidence has been knocked by all of this.
I know the things that they say hurt but none of it is how they truly feel. If you read the posts from the ex addicts they talk about regrets and how deliberately horrible they would be in order to start an argument and that in their twisted reality gave them an excuse to go using cocaine. They will try anything as an excuse to why they have to use it.
We all have those moment of feeling we hate them or our kids hate them or someone else should hate them and that’s another sad thing is that it also turns us in to people we’re not as we have to be cold and heartless to get through this way of living.
There’s no way I would cover up from his family now. I’m just open about it as the sneaky addict side of them would lie or even just mislead to make situations out to be your fault or find excuses for everything. Once other people know the situation it’s easier for them to help or be more understanding. I know it’s embarrassing but it helps if you have someone you can talk to. You don’t have to take any of their advice BUT when you are being gaslighted/blamed for everything, misled it helps to see how a person who hasn’t been tricked by them would see things.
It’s always interesting on here how one of us thinks what we are going through is so embarrassing and we are ashamed when a it’s not us doing it and b there’s always someone else on here who has been through whatever it is.
Obviously all people are different and I guess some people are never sorry for their actions but when my husbands recovering even if he’s only done a day he will feel so sorry and guilty for things he’s done., and in our situation the guiltless, no consequences, it’s all someone else’s fault attitude usually means he’s done it at some point that day or talking about negative things that have happened he’s usually finding an excuse to do it (I don’t know whether it’s consciously or sub consciously but I’ve also seen other people mention about them talking themselves in to justifying why they can do it).
I guess it depends whether she is actually clean and what substance she’s clean from. With my husband if he’s taken any cocaine at all, even if he visibly looks sober at the time, all his problems will be someone else’s fault and it’s a sign he’s been doing it or at the least associating with people who do as his whole attitude changes to the world being against him, when he’s not drank or taken anything he admits his wrongs and talks about wanting to do better etc but this can change the very next day if he’s taken something.