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I read all this and it made me think of a codependent relationship, I saw someone mention on another post. I think because you have invested so much into them you now kind of rely on them to need you.
I think you should invest your kind and caring nature elsewhere. Is there anyone else that you can take care of, maybe an elderly neighbour or you could do some volunteering. You have a good heart and unfortunately it sounds wasted on these people . You obviously want to do good in the world.
I understand you have loved this woman but even taking into account the addictions I think their behaviour has gone too far and it doesn’t sound like they ever appreciated anything you have done.
I hope you two can still have a nice Easter.
How did your husband deal with that? I hard to know what’s the right thing to do as if we help them we worry and if we don’t help them we still worry.
Well I don’t know whether it’s the way he has designed it by only wanting to spend time with people who also take it or if people who aren’t doing it just drift off from him, but everyone he knows takes it. Even family members, the only few he stays in contact with take cocaine, he has older relatives who take coke and so he thinks they are good company and regularly messages them and sees them occasionally. Whereas he hardly bothers with his parents as neither of them take anything and they have tried to help him since he was a teenager, but I try to stay in contact with them regularly.
Well my husband has been up and down since i last spoke to you. He had done a few times of going 5/6 days without taking any coke then he’s met a friend and then he does it again, i can’t blame the friends as he’s been known to do it on his own but reading other posts on here I can’t help but identify that these friends do seem to trigger his need to take it when he’s been so positive . Such a shame as he has seemed so determined. I’m trying to not let it get me down, now the weathers warming up I’m enjoying the garden and looking forward to the summer. It’s a shame he doesn’t get any happiness or enjoyment out of these simple pleasure though.
How did you get on with your icarus?
You don’t have to stay there if you’re not enjoying yourself or you don’t feel safe. Do you have any family you can contact?
Yes I think keeping a log of it is a sensible thing to do as when your speaking to them you might not be able to think of everything on the spot but if you have it written down you will feel more confident. I understand you being upset and concerned but you can’t be responsible for everything and it sounds like you don’t get any break from it. It does sound like you could really do with medical professionals advice to sort it out but I’m always here for a chat anyway if you just want to let it out. I’m just thinking they might be able to help and ease some of the pressure for you. I’m sure you have done a great job holding everything together for your sisters but don’t forget you should be able to enjoy yourself sometimes aswell.
so sorry to read your last two messages. Do you have anyone that u could message to pick u up? How far from train station are you? Could you just get a train back and get out of there.
Yes cocaine is very addictive, the reason I’m on this site is because of my partner having got gradually more and more addicted to cocaine and disrupting various areas of his life.
I suppose for your partner he doesn’t have the emotional attachment to be concerned like you, but he also might feel worried to get involved in case he offends anyone, especially if he’s relying on your mom for somewhere to live. He probably thinks he is being supportive to you both by not judging her.
It doesn’t sound like you are being selfish it sounds like you are putting her needs before yours. Yes she is an adult that can make her own decisions but it sounds like they are affecting your life aswell, and it sounds like you can’t make the decisions you want to make.
Yes that’s all we can do is to try make ours and our children’s lives the best we can. Now the weathers getting warmer I’m starting to think of buying us some nice summer clothes as you know we will still have some nice days out if he doesn’t want to join us. I’m thinking of picnics in the park and a walk around in the sun.
So it does seem when your mom has asked for help it hasn’t always been available so it’s no wonder she has lost a bit of faith. However it sounds like you have stepped in a lot since then which is a lot for you to take on and it’s having a negative affect on you.
Is there any way you could speak to her care provider and explain how your mom was struggling and had even CONSIDERED getting the medication from other sources to see if they can help without dropping her in it? I know they would consider health risks when prescribing but usually they would weigh up the pros and the cons, and it sounds from your explanation that there are more cons when your mom doesn’t take the medication. The other thing I would consider is that if you keep protecting your mom it might be stopping you both from getting the help you need?
Sorry to hear you are having to deal with all of this. As it’s a new doctor that prescribed the lower dose maybe they thought this would be suitable for your mom but it sounds like the doctor hasn’t checked back to see how the lower dose has worked out. If you could speak to them and explain I imagine the doctor would put the dose back to the original amount, or was there a reason the dose was reduced? . If this doctor isn’t helpful maybe you could help your mom to find a new doctor as it does sound like something a medical professional needs to help you with.
Yes when my husband is sober he is tired all the time, and not much company at all. He wants to go sleep early then. Exactly like he’s resenting me for stopping his idea of fun. I don’t know why he is here really. I suppose I make it too easy and comfortable for him. If he wasn’t here he wouldn’t be able to carry on like this. I feel like others have said that our life has started to revolve all around him. It’s all about worrying if he has done it or not. To keep check that he’s ok so he’s not tempted to do it. But meanwhile who worries about us, who cares for us and is concerned for our feelings. We just have to look after ourselves.
Sorry for the essay lol, but some of your previous advice has really helped us.
Hi danman, your advice on another post was really helpful in discussing all this with my husband who has the problem with cocaine. He has been having some really good days and I have believed that he wants to do well but he will not let go of the friends. He has distanced himself from his friends that do this every time they are together. I am stuck in an awkward place where I look like I’m harassing him to have no friends but ALL of his friends also take Coke. He has some friends who can take it or leave it so he thinks if he hangs out with those friends he will be fine but after the things you have said I do believe these friends are a trigger. Just because they don’t take it with him it seems that spending time with them is a trigger and he ends up doing it. Do you think I am being a nag to acknowledge this issue or am I right in thinking he’s trying to make me feel like a nag in order or try and get away with this.bearing in mind he’s only been managing 4/5 days clean at a time so it’s hardly like he’s really had chance to experience being clean enough yet, am I right do you think? I think I already know the answer but what I’m worried that if I keep having to tell him what to do and feeling like I’m nagging it’s sort of killing the relationship turning me more into a mother than a wife? Have your and your partner been experiencing this? Do you have any tips? He has seemed grateful at points that I have got involved as he started to see how much better things could be when he’s not taking coke, and he has also started to notice the problems Coke has caused for some of his friends which he’s usually oblivious to when he’s been doing it all the time himself.I worry that he’s at the stage where he thinks he’s passed it now and he can pick it up and drop it and that’s the cycle all over again.
I’m pleased for you he came home, it’s Saturday night so that seems like a positive difference. They can’t change overnight but I’m glad you feel like you may be getting an improvement, it’s like a work in progress.
good luck with your talk tomorrow.x
Do you and your partner both live with her? If you do he’s probably seen something at some point. I think you do need to talk to him about it, especially if it’s affecting such important decisions for you as starting your own family.
When you say you can’t get away do you mean you won’t move out because of her problem? I think it would be a weight off your mind if you spoke to him.
I think it’s a conversation you should try to have before you get pregnant as it might involve some stressful decisions needing to be made.