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Yes that’s how I’m getting, trying not to expect or hope too strongly as it is such a powerful addiction and if I put all my hope in the disappointment is just too much when he does it again.
If they are ready there are things they can do to try to stop and that is in their control but I am also trying to bear in mind what a powerful substance this is.
As I read more it seems that the urge to do it might never go away but they have the power to resist that urge, and only they can do it. No matter what we say.
All I mean is that as much as we love them we do not have to stay in this situation and they need to realise that. How would they feel if it was us that were unreliable and just left. Yes we might always want to be there but we also need to take care of ourselves. I have been concentrating on work and also I have been back in touch with some friends and also family that I don’t always make time for as I have been always trying to worry about where he is or what he might be doing. Another thing I have been trying to take care of my house and garden, and things to make my own life nicer.
There’s a lot of people on here that have ended up on medication from this situation, it’s important to get the help if you need it. I don’t feel too bad like that at the moment as mine did stop the staying out all night, so there is hope that your partner could stop the staying out all night. You probably won’t get a sensible answer out of him if he’s messaging back while he’s out doing and also when he’s on a come down when he returns home.
Well my husband was considering trying to not see them but when he told them (over message) that he plans to quit they have started talking about supporting him and they would like to quit too, which on the surface sounds good, of course, but in reality means it’s less likely to work as it would be all the same places, situations and triggers which have led to him doing it. I’m not sure he can completely avoid them all anyway, a few work at the same place and he’s not about to change his job as he’s worked hard to get where he is and earns good money. Really his work place has a lot of people using substances and they do have a drug policy and drug testing but an addict will always find ways around this won’t they.
Yes it is hard to understand why they do it but we have to find a balance between supporting and enabling them. The recovering people on here talk about how it can only change if the addict wants it to. For me my husband is saying he wants to change so we are working on that at the moment. How about you?
Also they absolutely can get it without a debit card or any cash.
Danman thanks for tips about triggers we had a discussion and he has accepted that some friends and media do trigger it, it’s been really good to talk about it with him with a bit of insider knowledge on my side lol.
As I have considered moving out. I am the same that I really do love him and I absolutely don’t want to give up on him but I do have to think of myself and how I really want my life to be, what I’m willing to put up with.
Are you always there waiting when he returns? Is there anywhere else you can stay, do you have anyone supporting you ? Do you think that would maybe be the shock he needs if he realised you could leave? I don’t mean you have to leave permanently now but how would he react if it was suggested. My husbands still struggling but I know this was a wake up call for him when I said if he won’t go then perhaps I should look into living somewhere else myself if this is how he wants his life.
Sorry to hear you are going through some of the same.
I have just been keeping busy with work. It is hard to keep focused when you feel like someone else just makes things more difficult no matter how hard you try to get things right. There are a lot of people on here who understand the struggle though and some really good advice. The people on here who are in recovery themselves seem to have some really helpful advice on here as they can see the real situation that we don’t always see.
Well I am feeling better from reading some of the posts on here. I really thought my situation was unusual but there are other people going through each of the things I have experienced with this.
When he gets asked to drive this person round it’s like he thinks he’s a vip or something, hes the favourite being asked to chauffeur him around, I just find it cringey as this person lives around this area I feel so embarrassed and angry like he thinks he owns my husband he can just get him to do what he likes whenever he asks. If he doesn’t get involved with the driving or asking to buy anything then he will get messages asking how he is like how a friend would check up on you. The problem is as much as this man annoys me he isn’t the only one, my husband has several people he can buy it off however he seems the most pushy like a sales man. It’s quite widely available in my area but I know even if it wasn’t my husband would travel to get it when he’s at his worst. The problem is when he’s at his best and trying to stop or cut down it makes it harder for him to resist it when it’s right there. We have actually had some better days – which is good for us as I think he had been doing it most days maybe every day. I have told him this isn’t acceptable. I’ve been reading up on this more and learning how It’s like an illness or disease that can’t be cured and am trying to come to terms with the fact this will always be something he has to resist rather than the problem going away. There have been times in the past i thought it had gone away and so hadn’t kept track of him but I now know that if I want to help then I can’t just think everything’s ok if he seems alright.
No I really appreciate your honest input. I have felt brave enough to talk about what’s been going on to people close to me and it’s really hard for them to say what they really think without them being embarrassed.
I definitely don’t know what will work for him but your experience is helping me to think of this differently. You know how he thinks. Yes he would say she won’t let me do anything, she’s just telling me what to do, especially with the influence of his friends.
Thats really great that you didn’t stop, well done, your partner must be so proud.
That is great your partner has made a good decision, I hope that he can keep it up. Does he have friends at all now? Does he find it lonely? Has he made any new friends?
I found out that some of my husbands friends were actually selling it to him then he’s owing them loads of money on pay day. This wasn’t dealers that he became friends with this was people he’s known since he was a teenager who have realised how much money can be made so he’s found it harder to recognise being used and how wrong it is .
Have you spoken to him since you visited that day? It is really hard applying for jobs at the moment- depending on what kind of job he’s looking for. That’s good he liked football and golf he must be more into being outdoors then, he is probably finding it so boring being stuck in the house at the moment.
Really appreciate all this information.
I also had no idea about all this stuff about triggering and your explanations have started to make a lot of things make sense. I know it’s him who has to work on it but if I can understand a bit better then I can work harder to not enable this behaviour. Also when I tried to discuss it with him I probably start judging and it’s really hard to just casually discuss it because of the upset it has caused.
there’s a particular singer he listens to on the days when he’s acting a bit off and I thought it was all in my head as I couldn’t work out what was going on but now makes sense he might be listening to the music first and its triggering it. I have previously said I don’t like the music as it does glamorise using, and it’s its all that what you mentioned before with their friends at a pool party drinking cocktails look how cool they are. But I think I’m going to have to be more straightforward and say I do not want to watch this music video.
Iv been worried to be too straightforward with opinion before as he is like two different people so the one doing it gets really offended even if I’m trying to be helpful.
I just need to be more encouraging of the side he’s being at the moment that wants to do better and your insight has been really helpful, thank you so much.
I think you are doing really well to acknowledge the problem and talk about it. Being honest with yourself is surely the most important step in dealing with the problem.
I have seen some other people recommending the documentary series on Amazon prime about addictions so I have started watching that to see if I can learn anymore about this illness. I have never before considered the fact that this is a lifelong thing I thought people could get through it but it seems like it’s a constant battle that they have to work really hard to beat every day . I’ve also seen on some of the other posts on here some of the people in recovery are talking about how people need to find some hobbies. I wonder if your son has any hobbies or if there are any he could get in to that could help pass the time while he is bored without a job. I am going to be trying to figure out with my husband if there is anything he would like to be doing that could keep him busy and distracted in his spare time as he has had a few good days.
I really do feel better to be able to see that I’m not mad for having put up with this stuff. The thing is it doesn’t start out this bad and and as it gradually gets worse you’re in this situation that is just too embarrassing to start telling anyone about as it’s gone so far. I’ve even heard him telling this man our business, so if we’ve had a minor disagreement he will be telling him and you know he will meet him for a chat to cheer him up and bring him some of that. Its horrible they really prey on people.
Yes he talks like I’m going mad sometimes because he’s been caught. He’s already owed thousands a few times. The frustrating thing is there’s no limit as even if they run a big bill with one person they will always find someone else to get it off. Then by pay day they have all these different ‘bills’ they owe out.