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I couldn’t help but feel it might be a bit soon to have a go about it as if it’s the beginning of the process he might not have plucked up the courage to tell you the truth he’s just coming to terms with what he’s been doing himself, i would give it more time, but then I noticed it’s been a few weeks since you posted and hopefully he has owned up to some things after time has passed, the only thing I doubt us knowing the truths will give us much comfort. i think it must be more comforting the fact that he started the process and started identifying his wrongs. I think you would have to have an open mind going ahead if your trying to make a go of it.
It’s so complicated isn’t it. In a sense he’s not doing a bad job as they don’t know the wrong he does. He’s at work a lot anyway so when he’s able and in a right frame of mind he gets involved with them and they think he’s great lol. And when he isn’t it’s easily blamed on work. Maybe when they’re older it’s going to get more difficult for him to cover up. It really is like it’s only me that it affects as I’m the only one who notices what he’s up to, makes you feel like you’re going mad some times.
Ps not giving advice as everyone is different, but personally would have run for the hills if I found out so early on. now over ten years down the line, two kids and a home together, looking back at wasted years. If you read others stories on here you will see how well you have done to start dealing with the issue after only a year.
Yes it’s a problem. I wish someone had told me that years ago as I was in your position and thought it was none of my business as it was only on the weekend so although I didn’t like the idea of it, it didn’t really affect me. I didn’t ask anyone as I was naive, you’ve made a brave choice to talk about it. Which shows that you have identified it’s a problem early on, I never did. It’s taken years to figure out what’s been going on.
Being realistic you have only been together around a year, I think you know the answer but you want someone else to confirm It. You would be doing the kindest thing for you and him both if you made a stand now, I wish I had before things got so messy, you are lucky that don’t have the worry about sharing a home together. If you made it easier for him now by moving in together when he’s already doing this, what is the incentive to change?
he’s not your child’s father, so if you spent some time apart it only affects the two of you and you could see what is really important for either of you.
Hi James, I’ve lost both my parents, one 3 years ago and one at the beginning of this year, it takes time to grieve and as you have delayed the grieving process it’s going to take you longer. it is natural and it will make you stronger when you get through this. The feelings of grief will slowly start to feel less strong but of course it’s going to feel very strange for you from the difference of having felt so numb before. You can’t change the past and we all have regrets of varying extents but what you can do when you feel ready is to work on the future on day at a time and instead of feeling guilty that you didn’t make the most of the last few years, work on the next few and be the best version of you. Good luck.
Hi thanks for the reply, The issue I’ve got is he’s their dad, he wants to be involved and he’s still having good days, he maintains a job and pays his way and also we have good connections with his family, , until someone says he’s totally gone off the rails it isn’t my place to exclude him as far as I know, unless someone knows otherwise? I think it would be inappropriate and potentially more harmful for them to not spend any time with their dad at this point? If that’s what your suggesting? I’m not sure? My Thought was that as they’re growing older they will learn to see that everyone’s not the same some people are unreliable. I wouldn’t let them come to any unnecessary harm, but it is a natural part of life that not everyone is honest and not everyone does everything they say they will. From what you’re saying I think your situation is different as you have the partner who is an addict now in your lives who you can exclude from the kids lives and also the older ones dad who is also an addict. I appreciate your perspective and thanks for commenting I just think we have different lives and I’m trying to be realistic and making the best of the situation which I am not in full power to change.
How are you doing? I didn’t know if your reply was to me or both to alc. anyway I’m here hoping you may have had a good day or two.good luck. You know you can do this.
What I don’t get though is why his feelings are so important, how can anyone be that self absorbed to ruin everything just to try and feel a certain way, I just don’t understand.
Yes the meeting works but only if he keeps at it, as soon as he thinks he can do it on his own then he messes up. I keep hearing that Ed sheeran bad habits song and it’s the part where it says ‘falling over everything to reach the first time spark’, I think explains a lot, this is what seems to happen he says he doesn’t know why he does it when he hasn’t done it for a few days but i think they like to see if they can get that feeling they had when they first tried it, and because he doesn’t then he feels depressed and the whole cycle starts for a few days.
Hi sandy, that is great to hear. So did he use the 12 steps? Or just do it on his own?
I guess I didn’t explain it well and probably sounded worse typed on here when I’m annoyed at him, as he didn’t actually let them down in the sense of planning anything. I meant let down that he had done it again. I know he can be better and more involved, but the kids don’t say anything, it’s always been more me doing stuff as in my family it’s naturally the women who are more involved so it’s normal to them.i guess I just hoped more myself. The kids talk to me about everything- they never stop talking haha, they’re fine.
Ah I see that’s a shame for your daughter.
No, well so far it’s not like that. the kids are happy and healthy and I don’t know how much more careful I could be so far as he’s their dad so he is involved when possible, even if he never saw them again there would still be an emotional risk to them from that so I am doing what best I can. they are safe and well. I guess its different scenarios and they always have me around. There aren’t any major concern in that sense it was more for me personally that I feel sad that if there wasn’t any substance abuse involved that he could be a better dad. And mainly from that I have that view as I had a parent who had an alcohol issue so I know personally how it feels but I also know from people when I was younger who had the seemingly ‘perfect family’ growing up they didn’t turn out any better and with any less issues than anyone else. that’s why I have the laid back view of its a part of life that some people will 100% be there all the time for you and some just won’t, that is a part of life naturally without any substances being involved.
It sounds like progress that he said no to the lift and chose lunch with you over the opportunity to go and take some stuff with her. One step at a time.
We had a great day other day the kids were so happy he was like his actual self but it didn’t last for long he did it the next day. il be honest I didn’t have my hopes up as I know what will happen but it was a shame for the kids I feel sad that they will be introduced to such disappointment and let down at a young age but I guess as long as they have me then really it’s a valuable life lesson that some people are unreliable.
Hi I’m not sure if you would class as getting any further as when you think there’s progress it goes back the same . He’s managed the odd days of not doing it but then just ends ok doing it again, how about you?