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Thanks Margot, yes when he’s thinking straight he realises that about the friends and avoids contact with them -but they are persistent, it sounds funny to say but it’s like a commission rate, if they get him back on to taking it the dealer cuts them a good deal, so they will try anything to lure him in to taking it again, and he calls them friends it’s so sad. .when he’s sober he even recognises this himself but once he’s on it again you can’t get any sense out of him, I sometimes wish we could just move away but it’s him that’s got to be stronger as the temptation could be anywhere. I think it wouldn’t hurt if the temptation was from people I hadn’t got to know and at one point liked, when I didn’t realise what was going on. Thanks for replying, it’s great to hear the difference it has obviously made to both of your lives. It just shows that even though it’s an incurable illness if you work hard to treat it you can live a better life but you can’t be naive about the constant threat from the addiction.
That sounds awful the things she was sending on your weekend away, can he not cut her off? Does she know that you see these things?
I’m glad you still managed to have a good weekend anyway, that’s it you can vent on here, when you tell people close to you they expect you to take action about it when sometimes you just want someone to listen.
I don’t really know what’s going on, I’ve told him to go so many times if he isn’t going to sort himself out, but he won’t leave, so we are here living here together but I don’t feel married to him. I don’t like him. The kids are sick of the way he behaves. They don’t have a proper dad just some selfish man lol who wants to get involved when he feels like it. I told them he is ill, isnt feeling very well as I guess he is, but unlike most sick people there is help out there and he won’t take the treatment , well at least not regularly, he goes on and off the meetings, if he stuck to it i think he could get better. I think I will have to leave myself which I have been putting off as it’s my house.
I was wondering how you were with the baby. Congratulations. Wow he did six months that is a big change, I don’t know how they can be so naive to think it’s only one time, they all seem to do that, I don’t get it are they testing themselves to see if they are still an addict.
Well mine has just been up and down over and over since I spoke to you last. There’s no point having any hope anymore it’s just been disappointment every time. I pretty much gave up with him, I went to stay somewhere else for a week a few months ago then he said he wanted to change his life, did the zoom support meetings but then it started creeping back up and before you know it was ‘you can’t tell me what to do anyway’. I don’t know why I have bothered.
I like that idea with the Doritos and chocolate, I’m just here hoping she took your option as the original plans don’t sound very relaxing, it’s funny when you see someone else living similar you think no just get out and go and live your life, but it’s easier said than done isn’t it.
Literally all his friends can get him drugs, they don’t really do much else together and it always leads to drugs in the end. Did your partner get new friends or did he already have some who didn’t do it? This is one major struggle for us. Also as you say he has friends who do it and it causes no major interruptions to their lives like it has for our life. Absolutely that kind of thing oh let your hair down once in a while but maybe so people do live like that but he’s an addict, he isn’t someone who can occasionally use anything, whether it’s alcohol, cannabis, cocaine, mdma he just gets hooked, he does need to build a new life but it’s just not happening it’s such a big step.
I guess your in a much better place, he doesn’t show any interest in family things and the only socialising is with all people who like to spend their time doing it with him or at least tolerating him doing it.
He has been on online groups and the people seemed great but other people who take cocaine always seem to win for his attention.
Because that’s where mine struggles, he can go so long with not doing it but then ‘he gets bored’. He also works full time long hours but amazingly seems to have quite a bit of spare time to fill and that’s where he gives in.
Hi Margot great to hear about your husband doing so well, how does he fill the time in between,? What kind of hobbies does he have?
How have you been since?
But also to one of your previous comments about them seeking out someone to do it with so they’re not alone, when they get really bad later stages they don’t even care if they have company they will just sneak out for an hour ‘to the shop’ and do it on their own, the addiction gets that strong, they don’t even get any enjoyment anymore it’s just a really strong urge they have to go and do. you are lucky that you don’t have real strings attached and when you feel strong enough you can just walk off, when you have a home and kids there’s things you have to sort out and then the overwhelming guilt that if you could only fix things the kids would have their wonderful dad back. That when they’re older they might blame you whether you’re together or not of how he turned out.
Also hate drugs and dealers, I’m surprised people tolerate it so much in their neighbourhoods, it contributes to so much crime, anti social behaviour domestic violence, robberies yet everyone just turns a blind eye. I know the addict makes their own choices but before when mine had committed to deleting the numbers, changing his own number and paid the debt, the main dealer got his new number off someone partner knows and started messaging several times every day offering a sales pitch of what he’s got available, until hr eventually cracked and got some, then the cycle started again, made me so mad, these chances when they have the strength to stop don’t come round very often,
That’s what’s happened for me I just lost what I think was the real him, and sometimes I blame myself as I don’t know what went wrong. That’s the thing they can say nasty things as they’ve got something to take their mind off the situation where we sit and face the reality and it hurts. I think they say these insulting things to break your confidence as they’re worried you will find someone else who would treat you right.sad but true. The thing is when we aren’t treated right and end up worn out, emotionally beat up we don’t take best care of ourselves, eat unhealthy and no energy or enthusiasm for exercising so we probably don’t look our best version of ourselves. I’ve been trying for a few months to get the old me back who was slimmer and healthier with energy but he’s just drained that out of me over time and I don’t know how to start.
Being crude I don’t think there is a bad way to s**k d**k before they started all this stuff it would be easy to get them going and now it’s like jump starting an old car as they don’t function and somehow that’s someone else’s fault, anything to avoid the real blame and have to take action.i guess that’s why a lot of the partners on here have ended up cheating because you don’t get any love or reassurance from them it’s all a big joke, no sincerity.
I’m also struggling to just be there, as if I’m supportive his selfish side just immediately tries to take advantage. offer one lift as you see they have an appointment they need to get to, all of a sudden they think you have the time and money to run them round everywhere; offer to make them a cup of tea as you can see they have had a hard day and it’s a small gesture , the next thing they can’t even make themselves a hot drink they expect you to, they literally become totally dependent if you support in anyway which is really hard to avoid when you are a naturally caring person who literally hates to see people having a hard time. I would help a stranger if I could see their struggle and knew of a way to help so for me this is totally out of character to have to act in this way.
Yes I think it’s really affected my mental health the strain of trying to hold the mess together, a bit like that big box on the cat in the hat lol, trying to lock it knowing it will eventually explode but just delaying it. I am really gutted as I loved him so much but it’s became a job basically with no leisurely activities, we don’t have any plans together, even when we had he either couldn’t be bothered or he’s came with us but high on coke so really ruined the experience for me. I just stopped bothering to plan anything with him, used to have to make excuses why he didn’t get involved, then I just started telling my sister, his dad and mother in law why he wasn’t getting involved and it was like a weight lifted and it was no longer my problem, but did start to make me hate him gradually more and more. I was only covering it up to hold on to the little bit of love and avoid reality. I want more for myself and he’s comfortable just accepting bare minimum, working himself to the bone to hand majority of the money to someone else.