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That’s the sad thing we get dragged down every time no matter how well we feel there’s only so much one person can do. At first you feel like you must be really strong to be able to support them but over time it takes it’s toll and you start to really resent it, which can obviously ruin any romantic or sexual feelings you have left. It starts to turn more in to a caring role than any kind of healthy relationship. And yes it can be so tiring and so demotivating for every time you get a bit of hope it’s destroyed. No one else can tell you what to do but I am glad you are seeing you’ve things to look forward to so either way you have to keep going and doing those things for you, whatever he decides to be getting up to.
And of course you will hate this element of your life being taken advantage of so horribly, for someone to abuse your good nature, but I hope you have some positives in your life to hold on to. If not then that would be my advice to build something for you, as although you say he loves you, he isn’t going to be thinking of you or your feelings and you’ve got to do that yourself . It’s a horrible realisation but whether you believe it’s within their control or out of their control it’s a long journey and you have to get control of your own life for it to not feel so shit.
You obviously really love him and I’m so sorry to hear your going through this, I have been through it, not with a female friend, his male friends but the feeling alone and abandoned and not knowing what they are upto is the same, when you get past that part after long months or years you eventually end up not really liking them very much at all as you get so sick of it. You shouldn’t feel bad for not getting rid of him, as even when you outright tell them to go they don’t just leave and obviously our caring nature just tolerates it over and over, by the time they come home they have used up all their money and chances so they won’t leave where else will they go, other people only keep them until they’ve nothing to give. It’s sad and I wish there was a cure but there’s not and it’s a shame we also have to pay for their mistakes.
And that’s it you know it, the main thing drawing him in is going to be the lack of guilt and consequence tonight by avoiding responsibility, that’s why when they come round tomorrow the guilt and consequences will be multiplied and thats when they feel sorry for themselves and all the apologies and promises start,
I wouldn’t think it was anything like that, they would basically stay anywhere that they can comfortably take the drugs and know they ‘won’t get nagged’ about it . You do read a lot on here people on about sleeping around being a side effect but for some addicts they do other risky behaviours instead such as gambling and dangerous driving, I don’t they’re all sleeping around, for one thing the people with most severe addiction can struggle to perform in that department anyway . As Marnie says though you have to decide what you can put up with. There isn’t really any point to send angry messages now though if you will backtrack tomorrow on what you have said. You have to decide what you really want. Even if they did sleep together would you draw the line at that.
I’m so surprised how little options for help there actually are on the nhs considering how much addiction must cost directly and indirectly to the health service and the economy in general. I get you with all the excuses but the saddest thing is that even if someone is honest and goes begging for help the services aren’t there which is a tragedy considering how widespread the problem is all over. If he’s going a few days at a time that is going good if you are positive about it and do congratulate does he do longer?my partner can’t do more than a day at times, if he did a few days I would praise hoping it would increase, they will only do it when they want to though that the truth of it.
What kind of help do you need ?someone to listen?, you can pour your heart out on here, so many understand whatever you are going through, you are not alone but it is a very lonely feeling to support someone who doesn’t seem to care about anyone else. If you need practical help there are also lots of places you can get help.
Well done for feeling ready to take action, you have taken a positive step identifying it, hope you can follow that through. sending hope to you.
Marnie is right only your can know when the time is right to say enough, as it’s one leach he could choose to cut them off and start a fresh. what do we do when there is more than one leach and their whole life style is built around people like this, can someone start a new life and turn it around or do they just keep meeting more people like it?
I think that most of us lose our social life through their actions though as we become so wrapped up in trying to protect them, stop them, change the situation that we do eventually stop caring for ourselves and we don’t have any energy left to just enjoy ourselves, we blame ourselves and convince ourselves every action we take is the cause of their addiction so it’s easier to just stay at home and try to keep an eye on them and you won’t invite people to the home in case they notice the signs of the addiction. when thinking rationally it is only the addict who makes that decisions and we lose out.
From an outsider point of view I imagine they have not invited you both out thinking they are helping as they probably think it will be a trigger for him to be out or for him to know you have gone out without him , I know it feels like you are left out but it actually sounds like they were being respectful of the issue, I’m sure if you got back in to contact with them now they would be happy to hear from you.
Personally I have found getting a camera doorbell reassuring to help my home feel safer, I know these people cannot come to or near my home without me knowing, you can’t stop what goes on away from your home which is why I would suggest alternative childcare options but you can at least keep your property feeling safe as for me this was an issue, I don’t mean stuff being stolen I mean not having that environment/the people they will be associating in or around my home
Absolutely yes they can spot each other a mile off and only gravitate towards people who will justify their actions, if anyone does try to socialise with them who doesn’t have that lifestyle they will push them away or the vulture friends will be unwelcoming/ridicules the friendship as they want them to themselves, they also use the same system to try to alienate them from us or anyone who tries to get them on the right path and try to help improve their life. Yes its definitely a losing battle
I also have one who thinks they are smarter than everyone else and the system, as the people who leach off him tell him the sun shines out of his bottom- anything to get him to spend his wages on coke for them both.
Hi completely understand all you have written, maybe you could look at other options for childcare are they entitled to nursery hours, will they be going to school in September and after school clubs may be available. It is sad when you can’t rely on someone but you’ve got to make it work on your own, in this situation. It took me a long time to speak to my sister I was so scared to tell her but I think she had guessed something was up and it was just a case of resolving the mystery for her when I told her what his problem was, as your family and friends will have noticed things they just won’t know the cause of them.it was a relief for me when I told her and I don’t worry about what she will think as it’s me who has to live this life not her and to be honest I’m much more concerned what’s going on than what a person thinks of the situation or of him, it feels better to be able to talk to someone else about it.
If you don’t want to end the relationship then you need to do everything else you can do to protect you and your child’s safety and finances. I also think when you say when it’s good it’s good that it’s not true as it’s always a case of worrying sick when/if they will do it again which taints anything nice.