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Yes it does make the partner go crazy, if you removed the cocaine out of the situation (and deliberately omitted it from any stories as the addict usually does when they tell other people what’s happened) then your actions would probably seem controlling and irrational but once you find out about the cocaine it makes sense why you would try to take control as the person taking the cocaine makes your life go out of control and you have to try and get control back to fix the things they mess up. It’s a sad truth that you have probably had a lucky escape, but I know it’s hard for someone else to tell you, it’s something you have to realise yourself.
That’s another thing that drives me mad, my husbands the same old clothes, car needs repairs, doesn’t spend anything on himself yet the people he’s buying the stuff off have fancy clothes, several cars Mercedes and bmw, really annoys me that he’s taken advantage of, it’s just awful to watch. We’re helpless while the person facilitating this misery by selling it to you is just carrying on with their life.
That’s what my husband goes from being so sorry he’s never going to do it to being like so what it’s not that much of a big deal. It’s very confusing for us partners as you say one thing and then do another and we just can’t understand why or how. All you can do is keep explaining how your feeling, tell her what’s going on and trying your best to do better I suppose.
It’s not daft, danman was explaining it to me on a previous post about triggers, and it started to make sense as I had noticed when my husbands particularly bad with it he would be listening to a specific singer. Its funny how so many people are affected in the same way and we can all see what’s happening but we don’t know what to actually do to make it better.
Yes I’m sorry to say I understand your wife acting that way, it’s so upsetting to watch someone you love doing that to themselves, and we can’t make any sense of it ourselves.
‘’I’m making these choices and what they need more than ‘things’ is a stable husband and father around that doesn’t give in to the demon coke destroying everything that he’s built since the last relapse.’’ Exactly this is what I try to make my husband see that obviously kids need the basics in life but the main thing they need is a loving, safe home and that’s more important than anything else. Well done for recognising that for yourself, maybe a little late but can you use your knowledge to try and rebuild.
You’ve done really well to stay off it for a year. Is it just a blip? How have you been since last week, have you managed to stay off it since then? I think you were replying to someone else’s comment but what I meant was if you’ve been avoiding that way of life for a whole year you must have cut some ties with people to avoid temptation? And so who have you reconnected with in order to get your hands on the cocaine?
This is a question I ask my husband, how did you make the call? Did you actually call someone on the phone? If so why do you still have their phone numbers? If it’s them contacting you why haven’t you blocked them. If it’s someone you met then why are you still in touch with that person if you don’t want to live that way? I know it’s not always that simple but for my husband it’s been keeping in touch with other people connected to it that makes cocaine easier to access.
Well himbeere my husband has had some good days but mostly just slipping back into doing it and then saying he’s feeling disappointed in himself. He says the same as yours that he doesn’t actually enjoy doing it much anymore as it’s gone on so long, but it’s a habit, he doesn’t even know why he goes to get it ,he says it’s like an urge he can’t stop himself from going. I don’t see what I can do because I’m at work myself I can’t be there all the time, and even if I could I think it would be torture for both of us trying to supervise someone 24 hours a day, and I don’t want to live like that. So for now I have to try to be optimistic when he’s done well and then suddenly massive disappointment when I realise he’s doing it again. He even acknowledges himself how much it changes him, although I read other people saying that it’s typical of a comedown feeling sorry that they’ve done it once it’s too late, all the regret, but it’s hard to accept as when it’s your own husband you just want to believe them, you want to hope it’s genuine and they won’t do it again because they regret it so much.
It honestly is just true that there’s only so much that anyone can put up with.
Saw you comment on another post about your story so came for a read. It’s good you have put all your thoughts down and realised what’s gone wrong.
Have you both made a plan now of what you will each do to start making things better as it sounds that you were both involved in what’s been going on so it’s not just on you it’s the pair of you going to have to accept your part in it to move forward I think. You will need to work together if you’re staying together rather than just blaming yourself. I think the more you hang on to the guilty feelings the more likely you are to be doing the things you say you don’t want to do. It sounds like you have lots of good intentions to be a good man, you’ve made some wrong decisions but now you have the chance to make it right.
It sounds really positive that you’ve realised how it can affect your daughter and you have that to hold onto, to give you strength moving forward now. Although you say you feel alone you certainly are not, there are a lot of people in the same situation and lots of people on this forum who can chat to you and give you some help and advice or just to read your posts.
How are you doing since you last comment? Don’t forget all the encouragement you have given to us all, so many of your posts and comments have helped lots of us.
I can’t say for sure how long he did clean as I feel like a detective constantly looking into his eyes at his pupils if he’s been outside a little too long, I’m just not enjoying it anymore it’s turning into a job rather than an enjoyable relationship.
The worst thing is when he’s been on it and he talks as though I want to act like that, saying I’m controlling and saying his friend joked that I’m like a police woman. To be honest if he really wanted to quit I think he wouldn’t be in touch with that friend anymore as they can’t see each other without doing that. I know he did over a week without physically seeing him. I don’t enjoy checking up on him at all, it’s very stressful and makes me very anxious. It’s also upsetting that a grown adult can’t just be trusted, I don’t want to feel like his mother. When he was doing well this time I didn’t tell him what to do I just occasionally was telling him how proud i was, and he seemed so pleased himself. so for him to say I want to control him now his minds changed again is particular upsetting.
Yes he was same as yours when he did well more caring than ever and wanted to be involved with stuff with me and the children, one night of that and that’s it now it’s ruined everything and I’m just there longing for the person I saw last week, I don’t even like this ‘other person’ and to be honest wish he wasn’t in my house.
Yes usually I try to stay positive but last night I just cried and cried until I fell asleep that’s why I didn’t see your reply. I just can’t see a way forward for us and it breaks my heart to realise and accept that.
That is hard decision for you to make and you have to do what’s right for you. Maybe have a think about what would you decide if he wasn’t in the picture at all. I think I would have had more children myself if he hadn’t turned out to be this unreliable person. I see what your saying about the worst timing to find out about the pregnancy, it is so hard and a very emotional time. Do you have other people around who can support you any siblings or parents?x
O himbeere I had similar, mine had been doing so well and despite all the things that happened before I been my best to just put it all to the back of my mind and enjoy that it was going ok and make it work. he had one stressful day at work and he went out and didn’t came back til the next morning. I had to be up for the school and for work myself and I just think I can’t forgive it this time. I just don’t see what’s the point of putting in any effort with him anymore I tried my absolute most to make it work out this time and that’s the result still, I just give up. So upsetting I really do love him but I think I don’t like him anymore. I feel he’s a horrible and selfish person now and it’s break my heart. I feel more angry and disappointed than any other time, I really believed him that he could do it.
Congratulations on your pregnancy. do you think it’s just a one off ? 8 weeks is very good for how it was before. Mine had only done a couple of weeks but I was so proud now I came crashing back down.
Hi that does sound positive that she’s willing to even talk about getting some help. I imagine it will be a slow process but if she’s taking an interest in it then at least you would be able to try to work with her and not behind her back which you were concerned about.
Did you have any with trying to see the doctor? It does sound like the zoom call would be better suited than having to go face to face.
Of course It’s good to let it all out as sometimes it does feel very lonely when you’re trying so hard to support someone and it doesn’t always feel like there is any progress. I think it helps to talk though as we aren’t really ever alone there are so many other people going through this.
How are you? Did you see any improvement?
How are you? Did you have any progress?