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I am so sorry. Breaks my heart reading your lines. I do hope you can sort something out and keep him away from you and the kids until he gets his act together. What makes me upset is that they don’t see what they are doing to us. They don’t see how they act when they are on the drugs.
Stay strong and don’t feel ashamed or intimidated. It’s nothing you are doing, it’s not your actions. He has a problem which he can’t see at the moment. And you know what? Sometimes they do have to hit rock bottom to realise it’s no life they are living. I hope things will work out for you. Be safe and look after yourself xx
I totally understand how you feel. We have been together for 3 years and there has been so many things, so much pain. But there have been good times too when he wasn’t using and he is the most caring person. But coke completely changes him. He has never been physically abusive but very much verbally. Then it’s all my fault, I am the one who is driving him to use, I am the one who is trying to control him, am the one who has a problem because everyone does coke and I should just accept him as he is,he is not an a**hole, I could never find a better guy, etc. But when he is on it, he is an a**hole, a rude idiot who only cares about sniffing as much s**t up his nose as possible.
I once filmed him while he was on it and showed him when he was sober. He was very ashamed but still got on it a couple weeks after. And am sorry but this “everyone is doing coke” doesn’t work with me. Well if everyone is jumping off the bridge, will you too?! Honestly I just wish I could talk some sense in him. Although I must admit that he is now clean for over two weeks and I am finally starting to see the guy I met and fall in love with. He’s now more focused on his work and our son so I am really hoping he will get back on track and stay away from this horrible drug.
He’s trying to do it alone but I would like him to get a sponsor because when things get tough I think it would be beneficial for him to talk to someone who knows exactly how he feels. Don’t get me wrong he can talk to me any time but I might not be able to say the right thing or give advice on something that I have never experienced.
I hope that things will change for all of us here because we don’t deserve to be treated as we are, we don’t deserve watching our loved ones killing themselves in front of us.
I know how you feel about not talking to anyone about this issue. I was the same, hiding the problem, feeling down and depressed and sad all the time and on top lying to everyone and covering for him. But I can openly share my feelings here and it helps me. I know am not alone with the problem, unfortunately coke is a drug that is considered normal, everyday drug just like weed.
Stay strong and am here to talk if you need to. We all are.
I do hope you will get the help you need. It is going to be hard due to the fact that your girlfriend is using as well. But try and think of your girls. What would you do if it was the other way round? If it was one of your girls using? You would not like it and try and do everything possible to get her away from coke. They deserve a dad who is there for them and is strong enough to overcome his addiction.
I am so sorry that you have to go through this as well and your poor boys. I have told my partner to have a serious think about what he wants to do with his life, how he wants our son to remember him and his childhood: does he want our son to say when he is grown up that yeah daddy had some issues but he worked hard and overcame his demons or that daddy had some issues and was drinking and doing drugs all the time until mummy had enough and got us out of this situation and now I don’t even know if my daddy is dead or alive as I want nothing to do with him. I know it does sound harsh but when you are desperate to talk some sense into someone you do say anything.
I also suggested that we moved to a different area, try to get him away from the dealers and the “friends”. But to be honest with you, I am not sure it would make much of a difference. He is saying that it would, however I know that if he wants to find “like minded friends” and find some gear, he will be successful as he is a bubbly outgoing chap.
He admits now that he is struggling with the fact that if he hasn’t used for a while, he gets confident even over confident and thinks that he is fine, he can go out with his mates, he can have a few drinks or even get drunk and not use. And maybe the first time he can, and this boosts his confidence even more. But the next time the drug always gets him. Plus it doesn’t help that his mates are kind of offering it to him every opportunity they can: oh go on, just one line, the missus won’t know. But the missus isn’t stupid, she knows the signs and even if I don’t say anything, I know he has used.
At the moment I am hopeful. He is focusing on other areas of his life, his work, family so maybe this time we can move forward. He does tell me all the time that he wants to stop, he has done his time with coke, but it’s such a common drug and it is a demon, a very sly drug that gets you when you least expect it.
I hope for you and for your boys that your other half will see how much pain he is causing you and the kids, how he is destroying everything you have built together. Take care of yourself and am here to talk if you need x
Well, my other half is doing cocaine but as far as I know he doesn’t do crack.
I too was accused of cheating, he always brings up my past whenever he is high. I admit I did go through a lot when I was young and my previous relationships weren’t the best either. But that is in the past. When he is clean, he knows what bs he was talking, he knows I would never cheat on him, but as he says: “when am on that s**t I say anything, I don’t think right.”
We did have a few discussions recently about his using and he admitted that he really wants to stop this time. He is also watching self help videos, testimonies, reading up on how to stop and what stages he has to overcome to get better. I really do hope he will get his act together as I have told him that this is it for me now. I do not want to go into another year with him using and I certainly not going to tolerate any more rubbish from him now that we have a baby. I am trying to stay positive and believe that he wants to change but I am petrified as he has lied to me so many times in the past.
I do know that it’s hard to accept that they won’t change. I did tell him too that he needs to choose between the drugs and booze and us. He does tell me all the time how he wants us to be a proper family, he doesn’t want to lose us, we mean the world to him, etc. I must admit he did cut down. He told me that he’s been using it since his early twenties and he’s now getting closer to 40. He had periods when he was using every day even when he was at work – although this was 10 years ago. He kind of “manages” it now with having “only two lines every other week just to silence the cravings”. But unfortunately there are times when he can’t stop at them two lines and it becomes a whole night bender. He says he hates the drugs but the minute he has a drink the cravings get stronger. And boy can he drink when he is on drugs! 10-15 pints, some whisky and if there’s any other alcohol in the house, he will have a go at that too. Any drink we were given as a present before I used to hide in different places in the kitchen cup, in my wardrobe, in places I knew he would not look for.
Sometimes I wish I knew nothing about it. I wish I could erase it all from memory. Because when he is not using he is amazing. We don’t argue, he’s a great dad to our baby but the minute the cravings start, we don’t exist.
You mentioned self esteem. Well to be honest with you I feel like a piece of s**t. I feel like am not good enough, the drugs are always better. And now everyone is saying that it is my fault because I am never happy. How can I be happy when I know that it’s only lasting a couple weeks if that? How can I be happy and smile again when I can’t trust him and don’t believe half of the bulls**t he is telling me? He thinks am stupid and don’t see when he is on it, but I know the signs too well now.
When we went to counseling the guy was explaining a few things to us. Basically “Charley” (the coke) is his other girlfriend. He’s trying to have a three way relationship, with me where we plan for the future, we exercise together, go out for walks and with “her” when he is using.
I hope he gets his act together soon. He is beginning me to give him another chance until the end of the year as he wants to have Christmas with us, wants to celebrate baby’s first Christmas. I agreed but deep down I know the chance that he will actually stop is very slim. He lied to me too many times for me to believe anything he’s saying. But for baby’s sake I’m staying as agreed. I don’t want him to blame me later that I didn’t try with his dad.
Sorry if my writing is all over the place but there’s a lot going on, there’s a lot of pain and once I open up, it’s just flooding.
My partner usually gets into a right state when he goes on a mad one. He sometimes just sits there clenching his chest thinking that he is having a heart attack. Then he goes through the shame and guilt phase, the “I don’t even know what else I took”, “I can’t go on like this”, “I promise you I will sort my life out, you and our baby mean everything to me”, “if you leave me I will kill myself”, etc. I really struggle dealing with him. I know I should support him because to be fair to him he did cut down but I am a new mum as well trying to deal with a baby with pretty much no help from our families as they all live far away.
I am scared of him doing something really stupid one day and getting a call that he took it too far and took a mixture of drugs.
I know how you feel. It’s the lying, the secrets, the disappearing and the empty promises. Am in the same boat. I thought the birth of our baby would change things, would give him a new perspective but unfortunately this isn’t the case. He even went on a binge the day our baby was born and was trying to deny it. Eventually he admitted it, but to me that is just something that I hope our child will never find out.
My partner is the most loving person when he has a clear head but can turn into a right a*hole once he used a bit. And it doesn’t take long for him to get to the “f**k it” stage and go on a mad one. It doesn’t help that all his mates are on it as often as they can and they take advantage of him and make him get the gear for all of them.
I know it is an illness, but I made it clear right from the beginning of our relationship that I have zero tolerance when it comes to drugs. I did not know how bad it was until we moved in together. Many sleepless nights, lots of crying and begging on my part, trying everything to help him but still nothing. I feel like I tried everything. We to counselling with him, was angry and shouting at him, was supporting, helping him, was understanding, etc. As soon as I started to trust him a little bit something happened and he was using again. For me this is the worst part, that I can’t trust him. “Just popping out to wash the car”, “just going for a drive as I need a bit of me time” etc.
Does your partner promise to be better, to change and not use anymore? And turn into a nasty person who you don’t even recognise when he is on it? It’s like they have two personalities.
I hope things will get better for you as it is horrible to deal with this when you have children involved as well. Stay strong for your children and take care of yourself.
I fully understand how you feel. I have been in this for the past 3 years. His family doesn’t seem to think it’s a big issue, he just needs to “let some steem off”. He doesn’t listen to anyone. One minute he admits that he has a problem, the next he is convinced that he can do it all by himself.
Same issue here with the “friends”. They all use and know his weakness. They know what buttons to push to get him wanting more coke so that he pays for their lines too.
Throughout my pregnancy I had to deal with this and I give thanks to whoever is looking out for me that all the stress didn’t cause any harm to my baby.
I said to him that we should move, get away from the people who are constantly drinking and high on drugs but deep down I know that it would not change a lot. He would find ways to get some gear.
I hope you will get some answers and help. Frankly it’s like him having two families. Like he is cheating on me with the drugs because he’s choosing the gear instead of me and our child.