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Well it was similar for me, but he hid it so well. I’d just got used to him sleeping most of the day, being depressed and unable to think. He hid the drinking so well, that we did not realise the cause. He’s not your noisy drunk, and blamed it all on his ill health and mine.
He’s getting help now, but finds it very hard to be self aware, eg re his behaviour and how it impacts on us. He’s been very depressed and he’s a bit better but still low. He can’t see he’s ever was depressed nor how he is now. I’ve had to tell him the impact it’s had on us, many times. He wouldn’t have worked it out for himself. I’d kept a diary during my own illness, so I had lots of specific examples to use. He, of course, couldn’t remember them, but it meant he couldn’t convince me that it didn’t happen.
Everyone is different, but the “ when you do …….., I feel………. “ approach has helped me. Just saying it released tension I didn’t know I had. I hope things improve.
Your story has many parallels to mine. My husbands uses alcohol, and has done off and on for years. Eventually he gets careless, and I catch him out eg find bottles,so he promises to cut down and not hide booze. He even fell over in a park, and couldn’t get up, when still on crutches after hip surgery. Ambulance took him to hospital, verdict was, a faint caused by drinking too much. In February he fell and broke the other hip, and was in hospital with no drink, for 2 weeks. He had severe withdrawal problems even with meds to help with it. He decided he’d go alcohol free from then on. He had a big blip at the end of May, but was on the whole, much better. But then the bombshell – he’s actually never stopped drinking, just cut back a bit . And has lied and lied and lied to me about it, for the last 5 months.
I don’t know the answer but like you, I feel hostile as he’s taken me for a ride with his lies for too long. The only way I have a little impact is when I loose it and end up shouting or getting really upset. That’s not really me, but I too, am right out of sympathy now. I finished breast cancer treatment in February and I want to go places and do things. He has poor health and is totally unfit all relating to “self medicating” with booze. Since Feb, I had put his recovery first, including from alcohol. He begs me not to tell anyone. What a mug. So in May, I have given him an ultimatum- get fit and and sort out the alcohol problems, or you’re out. There’s a date on the calendar. I gave him 6 months. I so hope it doesn’t come to that.
Hi Primrose
I’ve just logged in for the exact same reason. He lies and lies and I lie to other people to cover up for him. He’s a depressed drinker, and blamed everything else for years eg his arthritis. But he was so out of it, he refused treatment for months and we swallowed the story. He is essentially a very kind gentle man. Then I had breast cancer and he said he was not sleeping etcbecause of me. He was upset, because of me. He is a secretive drinker, and clever at it too. I was deceived big time. After my chemo I found a bottle under a car seat and it turned out that he was drinking like a fish and so I went thru treatment with a man who was very depressed, and appeared to have early dementia. He could barely think and his memory was awful. And he blamed it all on my cancer, the worry etc and pretends he wasn’t drinking.
The latest blow. Just found out that though he’s told us he’s stopped drinking, since late Feb, ( cutting down didn’t work) he has in fact continued to drink, but less.
I get so angry . It doesn’t help but my daughters and I believed him. It dates back more than 30 years. He is getting help for the first time, but I’m not.
My biggest problem is I’ve nobody to talk to about it, apart from my grown up daughters who live away.
I do hope somebody replies. If you know of any groups online eg Facebook please let me know. Thank you