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It is a nightmare lovely and please don’t take anything he says to heart. You aren’t the problem. I think sometimes it easier for them to run than face the problem.
You just need to take care of you and do what’s best for you. I know it’s so hard not to worry about them 24/7, but it honestly drains the life out of you to do it. You end up sacrificing everything you are for them and it’s not fair. You’re a person too, your feelings matter, your life matters. I have screamed that at my partner over the last 6 months to no avail!
But keep posting here as you’re right, these forums were such a lifeline for me too. We are all stronger together and we all have your back ❤️ I don’t know if you’re on the Famanon forums as well but they’re also a great support network of ladies? You will get through this, no matter what happens or what you choose – but just make sure you do what’s best for you x
Hi Bella,
I’ll probably stop going onto these forums soon as I’ve now officially said my goodbyes to my partner. After his last slip after we got back from being away at the start of August, something inside me just snapped and I realised I couldn’t do it anymore. I want better for my life than to be in this pain all the time.
I didn’t want to speak to him initially after his slip, and he took badly to that and told me he was much more likely to relapse if he had no contact with me. That threat just showed me how manipulative he is, and also told me how little my mental health matters to him. I spoke to his mother who was still saying it’s such a shame for him, he has this illness. She will continue to bail him out his entire life, and as such he might get sober, but for how long? I came to the realisation over the last few weeks that I didn’t want to stick around to find out.
I’ve been so scared for so long to walk away, as our future was all planned out until he ruined it and I kept thinking maybe I can save this. I was scared of seeing him have a happy ending with someone else. But you know what, whoever she might be, she can have him. As the peace I’m starting to get back is worth so much more. I’ve been unhappy and stressed out and worried for so long I think I had forgotten how it feels to actually be happy!
I think for some maybe there’s a happy ending out there, but their attitude has to be very different from what my partners or yours is right now. Please, think of your own life. You deserve so much better. Don’t be scared of your life turning out differently than what you thought it might. There might be something so much better waiting around the corner for you x
Hi brokenmum,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this but please know you’re doing the right thing. My partners parents have saved him on so many occasions now, and at the age of 34 he’s had periods of sobriety but when he messes up he takes down everyone around him. He even stole money from our joint account after he was meant to be in recovery, saying he knew his Mum was putting money in to cover the mortgage that month. She’s continuing to help pay off his debts while I’m left in financial turmoil because of having to cover most expenses on my own. I spoke to my friend about the situation and she said “how will he learn?!”. And she’s right.
Please post on the forums on Famanon.co.uk, there’s loads of lovely ladies there who are parents of addicts and they’ll be a great support x
Hi Rachy – please get yourself to a CA or AA meeting. You will meet people battling the same problems as you and they’ll help you x
Please – if nothing else, do not blame yourself for someone else’s addiction. You could have went away that weekend or not, YOU did not cause what HE chose to do.
The horrible thing of being a partner of an addict is that no matter what we do, we can’t make them better. We can’t make them choose the right path, we can’t fix their problems, we are powerless. Only he can make the right choices, only he can choose the right friends, only he can get the help he clearly needs – and it’s out there, CA meetings are there for him.
All you can do is look after you and decide if this is something you want to have to put up with. Do you want to be miserable and afraid to even go away for the weekend as he’ll destroy your lives?
I’m not saying he can’t fix this – he can go to meetings, get himself a sponsor, and do all he can to fight this. But you can’t fight it for him and you aren’t under any obligation to stand by while he destroys everything you had. That’s all up to you, you only get one life and you deserve to be happy ❤️ take care of you and focus on what you want x
Hi Twilight,
So sorry you’re going through this. Unfortunately nothing we say or do will make a difference, if he wants to change he has the option of getting himself to meetings and making a real shot at recovery, but if he isn’t ready yet there’s no point in you putting your energy into fighting for him. Please try talking to any services you have available such as Womens Aid or a solicitor, he should be giving you the house to live in in with your children. If he’s abusive then all the more reason to have him removed. The fact he hasn’t left for you shows he’s still in the grip of addiction and is thinking only of himself. You need to put you and the kids first, you deserve better than this x
Hi Confused,
Sorry I must have missed your post.
The sad truth is that no matter what we do, it will make no difference. You can beg and plead with him, you can theaten to leave, you can even leave, and none of this will guarantee he’s now going to get clean and sort his life. You can’t cure him and you can’t control this. He won’t change until he has a realisation and really wants to fix this. The only thing you can do is put yourself and your family first. Being with an addict can destroy your life and it’s completely up to you what you want to do. You don’t have to live like this. It’s not fair of him to expect you to stand by him while he makes no effort to recover and instead is hellbent in bringing nothing but stress and upset to your life.
I would be asking him to leave so that you aren’t uprooting the children but if that’s not an option, see if there’s any help available to you with housing/protection from abuse (at the very least, what they do results in emotional abuse and usually financial abuse). Look after you and make sure you’re not neglecting that, it’s so easy to forget about yourself in all of this. You don’t deserve any of this so put your foot down if it’s safe for you to do so, and get some help and support from trusted friends who you might need. It’s an awful situation but it’s time to start putting you first ❤️ x
Hi Hayley,
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Please know you aren’t weak or useless. This is HIS problem. You didn’t cause it and you can’t control it. Only he can take steps to sort himself and there is nothing you can do that will make a difference.
What you do have the choice in though is whether you want to stand by if he isn’t bothering to try and recover. This will have a huge impact on both your mental and physical health over time, not to mention your finances. Would you expect him to stand by your side while you destroyed your family? It is likely he will get worse over time and so will you.
There are CA meetings on every day all over the country, there is help for him if he wants it. If he doesn’t, start thinking of putting yourself and the kids first. Make sure you’re looking after you as he won’t x
Hi Navy,
I got prescribed an anti depressant earlier this year after I told my GP I was really struggling – I’ve seen a lot of ladies on the forums saying they helped them. I only took mines once and they weren’t for me, I felt so drowsy and fuzzy headed the next day (they were ones you take at bedtime), I couldn’t take them and be able to think straight at work. But they must work for some people so might be worth talking to your GP about your options?
For me, my saviour was working out at the gym (my escape, the place I can go where my home life doesn’t matter and I can feel good about myself) and also eating good, nutritious food, I thought it I get physically stronger and healthier hopefully mentally I will catch up?! Going through this leaves your confidence at rock bottom, no matter what they say, you still feel like you’re not good enough, not worth changing for, it’s an awful feeling.
If your man is still drinking alcohol it’ll be a much harder battle to give it up ???? but you take care of you, it’s soul destroying to put your all into helping them if they aren’t quite there yet x
Hi – these forums are for the family members of addicts, so you probably won’t find the answers you need here as we’re struggling to understand it ourselves! Please try and get to a CA meeting somewhere – check CA online, there’s meetings on all the time where you can meet other addicts and get the help you need. Good luck x
I totally agree Navy, I honestly don’t know where I would be without these forums and speaking to people in similar situations ❤️
I should probably update given this post is about whether there’s a happily ever after… my partner was fine since the overdose in May, making progress, going to meetings everyday, we were away together last week and since then I was making an effort to have him over more, making him dinner, thinking this was all progress to him coming back home eventually. Spoke to him on Tuesday night after I’d been at the gym and instantly felt something was off, you know that feeling in your gut that just said to me out of the blue “he sounds like he’s on the gear”. No reason to suspect it, no reason for it at all, but I felt it. He was “ill” all day Wednesday and confessed to a slip yesterday after I told him I felt something and wanted to know. So just when you think maybe it’ll all be okay, maybe we’ll make it.. it all changes in an instant.
One thing I’ve learned from this horrible life is always trust your gut. I used to ignore that wee voice, that feeling, but she’s proven herself right so many times, even when it doesn’t make sense.
My happily ever after is getting further and further away x
It definitely takes it toll on you mentally. I’ve had periods I was really struggling just to function, I have no idea how I’ve held down my job after the last 6 months if I’m honest!
He’s doing better now but the journey to this has been a rocky one. After I kicked him out, he was pretending to be going to meetings but actually was robbing our joint account to buy cocaine, he’s attempted suicide twice, been arrested, and now we have court looming over us. So I now know him doing well for a couple of months is not enough, it can all fall to pieces in an instant. But he is doing well now, seems to have a good mindset to move forward, and I’m getting stronger in myself. I threw myself into the gym for the stress relief and have been taking better care of me, putting myself first after so long putting him before everything. I would recommend doing anything you feel is an escape, that lets you take your mind off of things and makes you feel good, something for you and nobody else. The little things make a difference. And you have your kids to keep you going when all else fails 🙂
I think a meeting would be great and you might meet some good support there, I hope it goes well! I’ve been looking into meetings as I do think it would be good to meet people in a similar position. It’s hard talking to friends as they’re just horrified and don’t have a clue what to say, and I don’t blame them!! Keep us updated and I hope you find some peace and comfort soon – whether that’s with or without him x
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.
I wish I could tell you there is a light, but there isn’t for everyone. Not everyone recovers. They need to want the help, they need to want to change. It doesn’t sound like your husband does right now and while that’s a real shame for him, you can’t help someone who isn’t going to help themselves. You can’t control him or change what he’s doing. You can only help yourself and protect yourself from this.
You need to put yourself first. Take back control of your life and your own happiness. It sounds so simple but I get that it’s so hard to let go. Realising I couldn’t control my partner’s actions and I could only protect myself from the chaos was the most important thing for me in healing from this. Mines is now doing really well, also at his Mums, but regardless of that he won’t be coming home until we’re both ready as he understands the damage he has done.
Wishing you all the best – you’re stronger than you think you are x
Hi Louise,
Sorry you’re going through this. I hear you. My partner also relapsed after 3 years of sobriety, right when we were buying our new home to start our family.
You’re allowed to be angry and you’re allowed to ask questions. A lot of anger though won’t help him if he is trying to recover from this – for that reason I had to have my partner move out as having him here all the time wasn’t good for him or me.
You didn’t cause what happened and you can’t control it or stop it. Only he can, and he needs to do all he can, it’s not your responsibility. This isn’t your fight. There are CA meetings on every day for him to get help from people going through the same thing. Letting go of that feeling that I have to help my partner, and go through this with him, was the best thing I did for me, as he needed to fight this for himself and I can’t put my everything into something I have zero control over. If I can tell you anything it’s to look after yourself, think about what you want from life, and to try and find your own peace in all this.
Him mentioning you moving on is probably the addiction telling him “you can keep doing this, you’ll lose her anyway”. It’s a way of justifying what he’s doing, why bother stopping. I hope he gets himself to meetings and makes a go at recovery, but you take care of yourself and don’t forget that you matter too. These forums really helped me feel less alone too as it’s one of those things nobody understands until they’ve been through it x
Famanon have a website for family members of addicts, they run meetings as well if you want to have a look to see if there’s any near you. I think they have some on Zoom too.
I know what you mean about friends maybe not understanding, but just think it’s good to build up a network of people who will support you through this. It’s tough feeling like you can’t say why you’re struggling and we need all the help we can get!
I hope you keep getting this time to yourself and don’t feel rushed into welcoming him back. You need this time just as much as he does x