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Hi Misty,
I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
My partner relapsed last year after 3 years of sobriety and it was devastating. I almost feel like it’s worse when you know they’ve recovered before, and that they can do it and live a happy life, as you have this hope that they can do it again and maybe you can still have this happily ever after.
I hope your husband can do this. I hope the time with his family does him some good. Please look after yourself. What you’re going through is horribly traumatic and you need help too. Everyone’s situation is different but I hid my partners addiction from everyone, including his family, for as long as I could until he had spent every penny and had no choice but to ask for help. I regret not telling them from the start, giving him that accountability and building that support network for him to get the help he needed & I could take some time for me. I needed to be able to speak to people as well, I confide in others so that I knew I wasn’t crazy and I could feel a little bit less alone.
Just for own safety I don’t know if outing or confronting the dealer is a good idea. Try and use this time to find some peace and to get clear head after all you’ve been through.
I hope things get better for you x
Hi LS,
So sorry you’re going through this at this time that should be filled with happiness for you with your new baby.
This isn’t normal and you don’t have to stand by someone who is currently a danger to you and your newborn and who is taking no steps at all to change that. Please, talk to your mum and trusted friends about what is going on. Build up a support network so that you’re not alone in this. For a long time, I tried to believe that my partner was recovering and I didn’t tell anyone about what was going on to protect him. You don’t have to carry that burden yourself, you deserve help and support.
Addicts are also master liars and manipulators and I’m not sure you should believe that someone took out a loan in his name purely by stealing his wallet? His problem might be costing more money than you think.
You don’t need to take abuse. You don’t need to be miserable and upset and fearful of the future. He needs to get help, but you can’t force him to do that, he has to realise for himself. So the best thing you can do is to protect yourself and your baby and build your own life back, try and find your own peace. It’s so hard and scary but you deserve better than what you have right now x
Hi Poppy,
No you aren’t being unreasonable. He is being unreasonable. These are huge red flags that he isn’t being honest about his recovery. What kind of man – who is unemployed and not currently providing for his family – would even ask why you need access to the money coming in? What does he think pays the bills? This screams that he is using heavily and not thinking of anyone but himself.
When my partner first relapsed after 3 years of sobriety I was devastated and looked up what to do online and the advice was to support him, that he would feel bad enough so don’t make it worse, etc. I did that and less than a year later, he had ruined both our lives, spent thousands of our savings that we needed for our new home, lost his job, attempted suicide twice, and has ended up in court. The only real attempts at recovery he made was after I kicked him out, after he lost everything, when his mind could no longer convince him that it was okay, nothing was wrong, he could keep doing what he was doing. I had to completely detach myself from him to protect myself, my job, my life and my sanity from this chaos. It’s been the best thing for him and for me, because he’s now in recovery, and I have managed to find some of my own peace with us being apart so that I can heal from this trauma in time.
He needs to understand how serious this is. He’s already getting you into financial bother and that will continue. The problem is unless he’s ready to change, he won’t do a thing. It’s absolutely insane but for me, he didn’t get how serious it was until he lost everything. It’s like the denial voice is so strong they keep going until they physically can’t pretend anymore that there isn’t a problem. I wish there was another way but there wasn’t. There are ladies on forums who have lost their homes because of their partners.
If he doesn’t get that this is a problem, you need to decide whether you want to be there for the downfall. If you do, keep all your money separate and make sure you survive. He should be at meetings every single day, no excuses. The work money should be kept somewhere he can’t access it. If he won’t do those things for you, for your family, I’d be questioning why I’m sticking around. My partners been out the house since March, is in recovery, and working and doing well. I’ve continued to protect myself and will keep doing so until and if I’m ready to have him back. You need to put yourself first, as there is no way that he will right now.
Good luck and stay strong x
Hi Lillie, sorry but I’d never heard of that before. Probably depends on the area, everywhere is different. We’re all here struggling to find something to live for, myself included, so I wasn’t trying to be offensive. Take care x
Hi lovely,
Unfortunately, I think sometimes being kind and caring is what puts us in these situations, we can be drawn to people who are struggling and we try to fix other peoples problems, never putting ourselves first. But for your own survival and your own sanity, you need to do what’s best for you.
I hope you can try to reconnect with your best friend and just know, you did nothing wrong. This isn’t your fault. He might get help at some point and I hope he does, but it’s not your battle and you need to live your own life filled with happiness and peace. I hope you get there x
Sorry I’ve never seen coke wrapped up in lottery tickets in my life lol! It’s usually in wee plastic baggies as well.
I don’t think there’s a way of telling unless you know what both look/taste like x
Hi Tattoogirl,
First of all, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Secondly, you need to know that this is not your problem, and that no matter what you do, you cannot help or force your boyfriend into recovering from addiction. You will drive yourself insane trying to understand why he does what he does, and it won’t ever make any sense. It doesn’t matter how supportive and wonderful you are to him – as an addict he will continue to take you for granted, do what he likes, and ruin his own life (and possibly yours as well) until he decides in himself he needs to recover. That could be years down the line, or decades. You have no control over it.
Please, reconnect with your friends. Take your life back. This will get worse. You need support. Don’t alienate yourself, and share your problems with someone you trust. It might take until he’s lost EVERYTHING (that could be his job, his home, his family/friends, you) before he even realises he needs to turn things around. Even then, he might never realise. You have the option of deciding if you want to be around for him to potentially take you down with him.
As the partner of an addict, I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone. I wouldn’t wish the hurt, the feeling of having been lied to, humiliated, and generally disrespected, on anyone. You sacrifice so much of yourself for this person, with no guarantee it will be worth it in the end. Is that what you want from your life?
My partner is the love of my life and my soulmate. His addiction has ruined us, and I don’t know if we’ll make it. That’s him being nothing but perfect (addiction aside), giving me a life I never thought I’d have at one point. You say your boyfriend isn’t very nice to you. With that alone, I’d be running a mile if I were you. Don’t hang on to someone who treats you like rubbish AND has a devastating addiction going on. See this as a lucky escape from a life of misery.
Good luck x
Hi Jules,
There are CA meetings on every day all over the place – if you look up CA online there’s lists of them. That’s his best chance of recovery but it won’t work unless he’s willing to go, ideally every day, and willing to engage with the recovery process. Some of the meetings are open so you could go with him as well. The problem is we can’t force them into recovery, they have to want it themselves. It’s frustrating and heartbreaking to watch them destroy themselves but there’s not much else you can do. Try and encourage him to go to a meeting x
Hi Ceelen,
My heart breaks for what you and your children have been through, I’m so sorry. How you’re still standing after dealing with this for a decade I don’t know!
I understand why you feel the way you do and I hear you. I don’t think I’m in the situation of needing Women’s Aid and I work in law myself so unfortunately I know what my options are, and they are limited. We moved into a new build with a big deposit from his Mum and selling so soon isn’t an option I want to go down. Which is why I am still angry as I would have more options if he’d been honest.,I am livid at what he has done but I do acknowledge he isn’t a monster, he does hate himself for what he has done to us and aside from the addiction, he has never done anything remotely abusive to me. He is without a doubt the best man I have ever been in a relationship with, the love of my life and my soulmate, which makes even thinking about the way forward all the more difficult. My daughter is 18 in September and we’re focusing on us at the moment.
He isn’t in rehab, he has had two suicide attempts since I kicked him out, one of which led to him being in an induced coma for a week. He currently has a few months sober since the last attempt, and is at meetings most of the week. He isn’t around us all the time and that’s what we need just now, and in time I might need to make the big decisions I’m putting off just now.
I hope you and your kids find your peace after all the chaos x
Hi Fiona,
Good to hear you’re both still doing okay.
Recovery can be quite selfish as they do need to focus on themselves. I don’t really see my partner during the week as he’s at meetings or seeing his sponsor during evenings and I go to the gym. Recovery leaves very little time for much else if he’s throwing himself into it, but that’s a good thing as you can do your own thing and focus on you. For me, I had to step away as you have to choose what’s best for your own mental health, but I haven’t walked away. I’m just letting him get better for him and nothing else.
You’ll know if you need a break, just make sure you’re listening to yourself so that your feelings matter as well as his. I hope you keep us updated, rooting for you both xx
Thanks for your posts Ceelen. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to put into words as eloquently as you how I feel about the whole thing but I agree with everything you say.
I haven’t left my partner but he no longer lives at home to give us space. That’s been since March but I’m still struggling with the anger. The main thing I can’t wrap my head around is how, if it’s not a choice (I’m told it’s a disease and that after the first time it was game over for him), how is recovery ever possible? If it takes as little as that first one, how can he, or I with him, ever live a normal life, if we lose everything any time he slips and has that first one and has “no choice” but to become a full blown addict again for a year – all the while lying to me while I asked him again and again if he was okay.
I am really struggling to get over it. He told me he wasn’t strong enough to say no and that the addict voice kept telling him he was fixing it – we were buying a house and he knew he was putting me and my daughter in an unstable position but he continued. If there was no choice involved, how can I know for sure he won’t do this to us in a few years time?
We planned on having a child of our own and I’m 36 so I don’t have long left for that – so part of me is also grieving the fact I’ll likely never get that chance as he took that choice from me. I didn’t choose to buy a house with an addict who would lose their job and self destruct. I also constantly reminded him I’m from a working class family and I don’t have a safety net if it goes wrong, while he did things with total impunity as his Mum would cover the mortgage, & sent him thousands of pounds to cover what we needed for the new house when he confessed to what he did just before we moved in. Even now, I’m riddled with debt as I had to credit card most things on move in – but he’s in recovery, with money in his pocket, and his Mum’s agreed to pay off a chunk of his credit card debt. Which won’t have been for furniture, or the house, it will have been for cash withdrawals that went up his nose. I don’t have a Mum to pay for me even though my debt isn’t my fault, but in a few months he’ll be back to being on top financially while I struggle along as a victim of his financial abuse.
I just don’t know how anyone gets through this anger x
Hi Bees,
This isn’t your fault. You aren’t causing it and at the same time you can’t stop it either. All of that is up to him.
I wish I could tell you it gets better but it won’t. I can tell you it will get worse from what you’ve said – if he’s doing it more and more, not getting help, and it’s now affecting your finances and lives. It will get worse and you need to protect yourself or you will be left with nothing (not just money, but your sanity and wellbeing will go too) as he continues down this path.
There IS help available. Look up CA online, there’s lists of the Cocaine Anonymous meetings which are happening every single day. He could and should be there EVERY day.
Talk to him about the meetings. A lot of people go for a goal of 90 meetings in 90 days. Is he willing to try this? If he isn’t, you need to think about whether you want to be there for him to destroy both of your lives.
You didn’t cause this and you can’t fix it. He needs to do that. The most important thing for you is to realise that you need to look after yourself and try to stop any more damage being done. If he’s left to continue doing what he likes that’s what he’s going to keep doing. It took my partner losing his job, and me kicking him out after a whole year of hell, standing by him while he lied and told me he had it under control, before he started properly getting help, going to meetings everyday, engaging fully in the recovery process. If nothing changes, nothing changes.
Best of luck but please put yourself first and do what’s best for you x
Thank you for your beautiful but heartbreaking words Ceelen. I can relate so much to what you’ve said here. Especially the frustration at doing everything right but losing everything because of them, and how hard it is to watch them go from strength to strength when it feels impossible for you to put yourself back together. Almost in tears reading your post. I hope you manage to find your peace after all this. Keep your head up high x
Hi Fiona,
That all sounds really promising. I hope that working away and then rehab works for him. CA meetings as well.
It’s completely up to you what you do but just put yourself first. That can be so hard when you’re trying to look after someone, but it’s necessary. Keep posting on here, it does help x
Hi AnonJ,
I don’t know if it’s trying to change the font that messes these posts up, but I’ve managed to read what you’ve said anyway.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. And don’t be hard on yourself, as nobody knows what to do in these situations.
Yes you can’t control his actions or his addiction. But you can put in place boundaries that might help him see that what he’s doing isn’t going to be tolerated by you. Standing by and saying “I’ll love you and stand by you regardless” for me, led to nothing but more lies, more cocaine, more money being blown, more destruction. It was enabling him to continue with what he was doing while the demon in his head told him “she’s fine with it, she’s stayed with you, it’s all okay”. I can’t speak for everyone but that’s how it was for me. I had to leave my partner, let him hit rock bottom, and let him have no choice but to get clean and sober before I seen him really try to get better.
Mines is my soulmate as well but best believe if he goes down this path again, I’ll be saying my final goodbyes. I know my limits and I can’t sacrifice any more of my life for him. Think about your own limits and try to put in place some boundaries that will help you. Sometimes that means time apart for you to focus on what you want.
There is no right or wrong way but he needs to be at CA meetings every day, and properly in the recovery process, or this is all pointless as you’ll be in a neverending cycle of mental torture and you deserve better. Best of luck x