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I think it does sound odd. It reminds me of late last year, when I thought my partner was clean having had a “slip” he told me was under control in June, he went to doctors for something and came home with an anxiety medication claiming he had no idea why the doctor had gave him it. Looking back he must have been sitting there rattling while coked up and she’s mistook it for anxiety and nerves! I found out a month later he’d been hiding his growing addiction from me and had blown thousands we had in savings to floor our new house.
Addicts learn to become very good liars and they are very manipulative, so it’s hard to know what to believe. I started to tell myself I was just paranoid when I should have listened to my gut all along. It’s so hard to know what to do as maybe he has managed to do it on his own, but trust your instincts x
Hi Lavender,
I think any GP would have told him to get to CA first and foremost. My partner did get prescribed Valium as part of his recovery mental health treatment, but he had attempted suicide and had a complex mental health history, so I don’t know if this is done regularly? I disagreed with it with my partner as I think it’s mental to prescribe an addictive drug to an addict!
My partner has recovered before and now that he’s going through recovery again, in a very different way, engaging properly with CA every day, and having a sponsor etc, he’s said he’s realised he didn’t really recover before by just getting clean. He was still in that mindset, attracted to the wrong set of people as friends, and it was too easy for him to fall back into it when the opportunity presented itself. They need to learn recovery. I’d probably be very wary that he thinks he can easily stop and start something that was causing him to go missing for weeks, to miss his work, to sacrifice his loved ones? Without really addressing the problem, and understanding why he was doing what he did and the methods to stop it, can he recover for life or just for short periods at a time? Im still trying to learn about all of this myself but it sounds like he’s downplaying the control it must have had on him.
I hope you’re taking care of yourself through all of this x
I can really relate to what you say Nicole. The not wanting to give up as you’re scared he’ll actually sort himself out and another woman will reap the rewards. I know you’ve said he did rehab, but has he engaged with CA in the process? I’m asking as while my partner did rehab and got clean 5 years ago, he did it without CA. He then relapsed last year and now that he is fully engaged with CA, working the steps and has a sponsor etc, he tells me that he might have gotten physically clean before, but without properly addressing his addiction in CA, making those bonds with other addicts and doing the steps, he hadn’t actually did what he needed for lifelong recovery. Though honestly I’m not even sure if that’s possible at this point.
He should be making time for you and the kids and making sure you know you’re just as important, but it’s completely up to you as to whether this something you can accept after all you’ve been through. Wishing you all the best x
I thought the same thing with these forums – I haven’t seen any success stories! But I tell myself maybe they don’t post on here if all is well, maybe they’re out there loving life and don’t have a need for venting here. I thought I had a success story for 3 years and that all fell apart last year and it’s been devastating. I’ve started to think maybe lifelong recovery isn’t a thing, maybe there’s no hope for a future with the man I chose. I hope I’m wrong about that x
So sorry you’re going through this Navy.
Please make sure you’re making time for you. Don’t sacrifice yourself for him. What he’s saying is completely unreasonable after what he’s done. I’ve kept my partner at arms length due to the trauma and sometimes he’ll try to rush back into affection and love and I just keep telling him it’s so different for him; I didn’t change, he changed. He’s done terrible things to me and the family and it’s so hard even wanting a cuddle from him after it all. You put up a barrier and you can’t just take it down when they feel like they’re doing better. It sounds like he’s a long way to go but please look after yourself and put yourself first x
Hi Jess,
Please know that you can’t help him – much as you might want to try. They have to help themselves and the thing is, there is help out there. There are CA meetings he can attend every single day if he really wants help. But it’s up to him and you will drive yourself into the ground trying to fix someone who isn’t ready to get help. I probably sound very harsh but my partner had a coke problem when we got together almost 6 years ago now – and even though I left him to get clean, which he did for years, he still then relapsed last year and with my support and giving him everything he’s ever wanted, he ran us into ground. If I could go back, I’d probably make very different choices and your relationship is only a year and a half in. You don’t have to ruin your life by standing by him.
You can’t stop your partner from wrecking his own life with this rubbish, but you can protect yourself, your life, and your sanity. Is this the life you want? He has choices, he can get the help. It sounds like he’s only using at weekends so far, if he’s being honest, and so he can stop this before it goes too far. But that’s up to him. If he knows he has a problem and wants to change, he can show you by going to CA meetings. But you focus on you and what you want. You’ll see lots of our stories are the same but the main advice of women who have dealt with this for years is telling the ones who can get out to run, as we know what you’ll be in for down the line. It’s horrible and I wish I could be more positive but this drug destroys them and turns them into someone you won’t even recognise x
Sometimes it helps to let it all out! There’s so little help for family members going through it, compared to the addict who can attend CA meetings every single night if they choose. It can be such a lonely time for everyone else.
For my addict, he didn’t stop until he hit rock bottom. It wasn’t enough that I supported him last year, that I kept it going for the sake of our family and to keep going through with the big life plans we were making after he confessed he had relapsed – he was telling me it was all okay but still taking it and hiding it the entire time. It cost us a fortune and my sanity. He only really got into recovery and the process after he lost his job, as later that week I kicked him out as he was clearly wired to the moon – up all night/sleeping all day. If I could go back I would have made a much bigger deal of it than I did – nothing changes if nothing changes.
Keep venting on here as it does help! Wishing you all the best x
Hi Coco,
Sorry you’re going through this.
This isn’t your problem to fix, it’s his. Don’t take that responsibility as you won’t be able to make him change, much as you might want to try. For him to recover he needs to want it for himself. From what you’ve said, the comments of “this is why I couldn’t tell you as you know how you get”, it doesn’t sound like he’s understanding the level of his problem or ready for recovery yet. He’s the father of your kids but spending all that money every month on himself, but makes out you’re a nag for having a problem with it? He has a LOT of work to do.
This is up to him and your level of involvement is as much as YOU want it to be – think of your own mental health and happiness, not his. If you want space, you take that. And he’s in the wrong, he needs to sort himself, so he should give you that. He should be at CA meetings every day, to show you he wants to fight this. But you focus on you as you’ll drive yourself insane trying to fight his battle for him.
Look after yourself x
Hi Lavender,
I would probably question why his first port of call was the doctor to get more drugs and not CA meetings which are the tried and tested method for recovery from cocaine. Also, coke users often use Valium to help them sleep, so there might be another motivation for wanting this. I would definitely be cautious about what he’s up to there.
Please put yourself first in all of this. I can guarantee that he won’t right now, so you have to. You can’t control an addicts actions and you can’t make him recover, he has to do that for himself. He should be at CA meetings and form bonds with others in recovery. That should be his focus. If you put your all into standing by his side, you could make yourself ill if he relapses and it can drive you insane. For me, I had to take a huge step away from my partner to keep myself sane. He lives with his mum and dad now and will continue to do so. I did try annd stay by his side – he was secretly using for the whole year when I did. It was only when I kicked him out and let him hit rock bottom that he started to really change. I had to let him go for the sake of my own life, my sanity, my job.
There is no guarantee he will recover, as many don’t, much as they might try. He has to do this on his own and you need to protect your own life. Look after yourself x
Hi Bluebell,
I might have spoke to you before. I’m in a similar position. I met my partner 5 years ago in my party phase and it soon became apparent he wasn’t just taking cocaine recreationally, we split up, he was on 3.5 grams every day and he was financially killing me. We got back together a year later as he recovered, he did great for 3 years, then when we were buying another new house last year he had relapsed and for a year he lied to me and himself that he could fix it. It got worse and worse and after he’d blown our savings for moving in, he then lost his job and I eventually kicked him out in February. He’s recovering again but it’s been a rocky process, he’s had a few suicide attempts & we’ve been up & down.
I think a huge part of recovery is realising what you’ve done and how it’s affected your loved ones. I’m wondering if your partner is struggling and now has a realisation of how this affects you, and thinks you’d be better off without him? But this is purely speculation as I’ve tried and failed for a very long time to understand how an addict thinks! Does he ever attend in person meetings? I know my partner has attended meetings before but this year is the first time he’s really engaged with the full recovery process, i.e. meetings every day, forming friendships with those in recovery (they all WhatsApp each other and phone each other, go on day trips), and having a sponsor to go through the book. He tells me this is the secret to life long recovery, but time will tell.
What I do know is that living with an addict in recovery takes a lot out of you and might not be what’s best for you. If he’s recovering, there will be ups and downs but same goes for if he’s slipping or struggling to stay off it. Living with that makes you ill and you can end up sacrificing yourself for that person. He needs to recover for him, and sometimes I think it’s good to have space for you to recover from the stress and trauma of going through this. It took a while but mines realises now that we need to be apart, that he needs to do this for him and while he’s still fighting for us, we need to do that from a distance. That might be what’s best for you?
Hi Sam,
I can only echo what Thistim has said. Protect yourself, your life, and your sanity, and leave while you can. He hasn’t taken any steps to change, clearly doesn’t want to change despite you making it clear it’s a problem, and it’s obviously escalating if he’s using through the week and not just when out with his pals. The stories you’ll read here are all fairly similar and I think many of us wish we were only 7 months into a relationship and could do a runner without our lives being ruined!
I’m years and years in now and my partner started relapsing last year, for a full year, and now I’m stuck in a house we bought having had to kick him out after a year of empty promises and lies. He’s now getting better but that’s up to him and I know now that I can’t fix him, I would just go insane trying. If he wants to get better, he should go to CA meetings, preferably everyday. But you go focus on you, as this will bring you nothing but heartache and you don’t deserve that.
Take care of yourself and don’t take on something that will only harm you x
Hope your dog is okay. But get to a CA meeting, it just might change your life.
Exactly – you need to start changing the power dynamic around. You control your life, and he controls his. It’s too much to expect you to be fully in the recovery process with him, as this isn’t your problem, it’s his. And from what I’m told, if he has any chance at success, he’ll need to immerse himself in recovery. So he should be busy enough with that that and in the meantime you try and find yourself again. For me it was as simple as little things like reading books, doing some self care like skincare, going to the gym to de-stress, and just making an effort to look after myself. Which sounds silly but when you’ve been with an addict for a while, you don’t even realise how much you’ve lost yourself trying to take care of them.
I also limit my time around him as I’m still angry at what he did to us and our family. And that’s not helpful to his recovery, but sometimes he needs to hear it. There’s no way I would want him here all the time while I feel like this. It wouldn’t help either of us. Mines isn’t perfect in recovery – he’s at times prioritised his new recovery friends over all his existing family, and at the moment I don’t want him home. I don’t miss him here, being honest. He can be selfish and a burden in the household, and if we ever make it, he’ll need to change a lot. These are all things I realised after he left, as it gives you time to think and process things with a clear head.
I know the Famanon ladies have said similar things to you there, they really helped me deal with this and let go of wanting to have control, as you realise you have none. If he changes, great, but your mental health and your life matters, never sacrifice it for him. You deserve to be happy, with or without him x
Hi Jajoso,
I don’t think you should feel obligated to stand by someone who’s destroying you, and especially not just because they’ve had one day of clarity and said they’ll change. It takes much more than that.
I can relate to a lot of what you’ve said. My partner started relapsing last May after 3 years of sobriety from cocaine. It ruined his life then and it did it again. I stuck by him after the relapses and he promised he’d sorted it, it was all fine. It wasn’t. He was hiding it, costing us thousands of pounds, and now I’m sitting in a house we bought in the height of his addiction (unbeknownst to me) without him not knowing how long we’ll be here as there’s no guarantee what he’s doing will work. I kicked him out just a couple months after we moved in as it got worse and worse. He lost his job and he was contributing almost nothing, every bit of furniture in here I bought myself.
After I kicked him out he started sorting things out – and not a moment before. He got a sponsor and just a week or so in, he said he had to ask me if I would stand by him during the recovery process. He knows now that that was wrong of him. He’d lied to me for a year, had me uproot my life with my daughter to be trapped in this house I can’t afford myself – and had the cheek to expect a commitment from me? Absolutely not. I made the mistake of letting him move back in after 3 weeks and he started lying again – he struggled with his new job with the triggers as work was where he’d used, and was secretly taking painkillers. I kicked him out again and he isn’t coming home anytime soon.
He’s doing really well but he’s at meetings every night and I’m at the gym, we go for walks with our dog most days and that’s about it. He wants more but his wants have always come before mines – not anymore. It isn’t enough to say you want to recover – let him show you. As the recovery process is long and chances are things might get worse for him before they get better. Mines was doing well and randomly took an overdose and got into serious trouble just a few weeks ago. And that’s months of meetings in, not just saying “I’m going to go to rehab” one day. He needs to do this for him and you need time and space to decide what you want. This is your life, and you aren’t obligated to spend it miserable.
You don’t have to cut it off completely if your mental health can handle still being in touch, but I found that boundaries really helped me think straight to try and heal from all the trauma in the last year. Maybe over time he’ll show you the progress he’s made and eventually you’ll end up together again. But maybe not. I just know that standing by my partner did nothing except cost me my mental health and well-being, I made myself ill. And it sounds like the relationship wasn’t entirely happy beforehand? My partner was everything to me before all this, and even now he’s still extremely respectful of me and me having my space. If he was anything else, I’d have turned my back without a second glance.
Make sure you’re taking care of you first and foremost x
Hi Jaynie,
Don’t feel guilty. You have needs too and they aren’t going to be met by someone addicted to crack. Trying to support an addict will take everything from you and you can’t make him change, only he can do this. Look after yourself and heal from this trauma, as you’ll drive yourself insane trying to fix his problems for him x