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Hi Aimz,
I can relate to a lot of what you’ve said, especially the not wanting to give up on the life you’ve built for yourself. I found myself thinking, what if I let go after trying so hard to fix him, and then a few months later he manages to stay sober finally and he settles down with some other girl who reaps the benefits and gets the man I knew was in there all along? But it’s mental to think like that – put yourself through hell for years with no guarantee he’ll change, just because you’ve spent time building a life with this person.
You won’t be able to change him. He needs to do that. I supported my partner for a year through relapses and slips and did everything I seen online – support them, don’t upset them as they feel bad enough, etc. It didn’t work and I was lied to constantly. What has worked a little was him losing his job and me finally kicking him out of the house so he couldn’t just keep pretending to himself his addiction wasn’t a problem. And even at that, he’s had issues balancing recovery and done stupid things and made a mess of things at times – so he won’t be coming home anytime soon. You need to find your own peace as much as you can try, you will drive yourself insane trying to fix someone who you can’t control. Your partner currently can’t control his addiction so there’s zero chance you can.
Tell him to get to CA meetings and to immerse himself in recovery, but focus on yourself and rebuilding your life. He seems a long way off of even accepting he has a problem and you don’t deserve to be put through this anymore. You’ll end up a shell of your former self if you keep going through this while he does whatever he likes and disrespects you. Good luck x
Hi New,
You should look up AA meetings in your area. There will be lots on everyday where you can meet people going through something similar and can offer advice. They also do them remotely. They will help you get the advice you need.
Good luck x
Hi Megan,
This is awful. Please, get away from this man. What you’re describing is a horrible, abusive, toxic as hell relationship. This is not love. You do not have to live like this.
He clearly has issues with alcohol and despite that, you’ve been there for him. You tried, he didn’t. You made a mistake because you’re human and have been dealing with this while he’s made no effort to change. And rather than show you that he loves you and wants to be with you, he’s chosen to belittle you and make you feel worthless. That is truly horrible and you need to get away from this. He’s telling people you’re the monster as it’s easier for him to ruin your reputation than to confront the monster looking back at him in the mirror.
I understand it’s hard to walk away as you’ll think back to the times that he wasn’t like this, times you were happy. But think of how long ago those times were – it doesn’t sound like he’s still that man anymore. If you keep subjecting yourself to his abuse, you won’t recognise yourself as you’ll have sacrificed everything for him while he destroys you.
Take some time for you. Focus on things you like doing, treating yourself well, seeing your friends (and confiding in them about this, you need their support, it’ll lift a weight off your shoulders I swear), self care, getting yourself healthy. You only get one life, you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be respected and to feel loved.
My man is also an addict (cocaine) and I’m supporting him, from a distance as his recovery is the priority and my recovery from this trauma is too. But if I was being abused or felt belittled or even spoken down to at any point, I’d be running for the hills. Dealing with this is hard enough on your mindset and I spent long enough sacrificing my happiness for his during his addiction. What your man is doing to you is truly dangerous for your mental health and self esteem.
You are worth so much more x
There are CA meetings for you all around the world most days for you to get help for this. Give one a try. There’s a list of them on ca-online.org
Charlie – you’re making excuses for yourself here. People can recover. Yes you probably can’t spend all weekend getting drunk and on the gear with your pals anymore, you need a new circle, and that’s what CA meetings are for. People can recover but you do need to leave behind your drug friends for new sober ones.
Pops – it’s really hard to understand what goes through their heads. And being on cocaine long term does not help their mental health either. He needs to want to recover for himself and you need to look after you. He should be at CA meetings, getting himself a sponsor, and making a real attempt at recovery. If he doesn’t you need to take steps to protect you and your kids as it only gets worse and this is your life too. I know it’s so hard when you know the amazing person they were before all this.
Narlem – don’t be hard on yourself for ending it when it all got too much. I did too. Sometimes I think that’s the only way for them to realise what they’ve done. I tried to support my partner for a year after his slip/relapse and it turned out he was using the whole time. The only point he actually went to CA and sorted himself was after I kicked him out. There might be something to be said about letting them hit their rock bottom. The hurt is horrendous, and mines has even attempted suicide, but I didn’t do this to us, he did. It’s up to him to fix this and there is help out there. Look after yourself as it really does take it’s toll on you x
I’m so sorry you are going through this Navy. I know that horrible sinking feeling well, when you know it’s all going wrong again but can’t even bring yourself to ask the question as you know all you’ll get is lies in response.
Sticking by them through addiction is such a tough one as yes it’s good for them to have the support but also as addicts they can easily fall into their bad habits. I let my partner back into the family home after just a month and a half separation and within weeks he was becoming more distant, turned out he was struggling having returned to the job he was used to using at and rather than talk to me and his meetings, he had taken to using opiate painkillers. He’s now back out of the house again and thrown himself into meetings, sees me when he can but the main focus is on recovery with CA and his sponsor. I don’t know if there is a “right” way of doing it but for us it was definitely too soon to be back together and acting like all was normal as he went right back to hiding things.
I hope there’s a light at the end of the tunnel for you soon, but remember you are important in all of this and don’t let anyone disregard your feelings. I don’t know your own circumstances of course but sometimes having a bit of space between you can be a lifeline x
Bella what you’re going through sounds like emotional abuse and you don’t need to put up with this. There is no obligation on you to stand by someone while they treat you terribly. Good on him for getting sober, but if you aren’t happy with the person he is – and I can’t see anything in your posts to suggest there’s any happiness or reason to be together – I’d be getting him out the house and moving on with my life. You’ve likely already been through so much with his addiction, life is too short to be treated like that by someone who claims to love you.
I have a partner in recovery just now and if he was speaking to me like that there’s no way he would be anywhere near me. I would be having a serious conversation with your man to find out why he’s behaving like this, make it clear how it makes you feel, and if it continued he would be out and I wouldn’t look back. You deserve so much better than this x
Oh I know having another child is no longer on the radar for me. Even if he was to recover – he recovered before for 3 years then messed it all up, so will it always be in the back of my mind waiting on my life falling to bits again?! It’s horrible because he’s wonderful with kids, his nieces and nephew love him, my daughter loves him. But he chose to throw our lives away while we were in the middle of buying a beautiful new home, he let me run myself ragged doing everything on my own, I made myself ill. I asked him over and over for a year – do you have a problem as we can pull out of this house, please tell me, I can’t pay a big mortgage on my own. He lied every time. Him doing that showed me he would do this no matter the circumstances – baby or no baby.
I never say never as I took him back after he recovered the first time, so I do think people can recover. But I don’t exactly have a success story 3 years down the line! But I’ll always advocate that you as the partner need the time and space to think clearly and to move forward with your own life without them. It’s too hard to think clearly with their influence around you and they need to realise what they’ve lost. You take your time and if you don’t want to reply to people or deal with it one day, just don’t. You’re allowed to make up your own rules and your own boundaries to protect your own well-being after everyone you’ve been through. His Mum likely knows what you’re going through but she’s probably like the rest of us and has no idea how to deal with it x
None of these replies make any sense to the post in question? and I don’t think a drug addiction forum is where people are looking for advice on how to become foster carers, I hope!!
At 25, you still have most of your life ahead of you. And I don’t think you get only one love of your life, it’s definitely not over!
I don’t think your partner gave up, though I know it feels like that. I think he hasn’t been ready, hasn’t realised the extent of his problem, and hasn’t realised the grip it has on him. My biggest mistake was that last year when mines told me he had slipped up, trusting him when he said he’d sort it and letting him live in the home as normal. He was then able to do a couple meetings, never talk about them again, and continue deeper into his addiction while I was clueless. The only thing that made him get better now was the wake up call of him losing his job, losing me, and having to move back in with his Mum. I only kicked him out as I finally lost it after he had spent a week “going to meetings” but I discovered every day he had withdrawn piles of cash from the joint account – that he had secretly ordered a card for. I wish I had done that at the start and maybe it wouldn’t have reached the level it did. For him, it was either get better or you have nothing left. It seems ridiculous it takes that, but that’s how strong it is. And even when they realise, they have to really fight for it. A lot of them won’t make it.
I was planning a family with my addict and now I’m grieving what I don’t think I’ll have. (I have an already grown daughter who I had when I was very young, but I was excited to do it again with a bit more wisdom!) He often says to me that he would never have done what he did if we were expecting, but that’s a lot of rubbish. There’s addicts who will let go of their babies, their families, their everything, as the drug will always come first no matter the consequences. Even if he ends up sober for years after this I’ll be forever terrified of my world collapsing again.
Mines was never into brothels or other women but I think it probably depends on who he was before the drug. We do still have our fair share of trust issues as when someone has lied to you for a year, what is there to trust!
I’m glad he hasn’t been in touch recently as that makes it easier. It’s likely he will try and contact you and that’s when you need to be strong and make sure there’s boundaries in place so that you’re comfortable. Even if he realises what he’s done & wants to go recover, great, he can go do that, get to meetings every day, but you need to focus on yourself.
Stay strong x