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Hello ladies , sorry been quiet been a crap couple of days . Arguments and tension .

Awh Bella pop I felt so sad reading about your message to your OH :(. How has tonight gone With the children ?.

Fayzey , has he been in touch ?. The mind games never end do they . How are you feeling ? You are so strong though – keep hold of that fire.

We are all stronger than we realise.. better times await us I believe that wholeheartedly xx .

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James , What an insight . I’m glad you took the time to write that thank you very much , if I didn’t know who had wrote it – it could of come from my OH.

I hear what your saying and I feel

A little bit ashamed actually because I’m hoping for an instant fix ( even though I know that’s not at all realistic ). I’m just impatient, extremely tired and not at all trusting . It doesn’t help that he’s wanting to borrow money from our assets now to resolve the money issues he’s caused whilst taking that stuff ( gambling went hand in hand ) and I’ll be honest I can’t cope with anymore trouble on my head or being wound into something else after everything he’s put us through already .

part of me wants to support him and look after him – have him back the person we knew before this , but the other part can’t see a future with all the deceit and the constant ‘detective ‘ work and the finally nail will he fall properly and go back to the serious using and tricks the imposter that’s lived here for 2 years nearly .

Right now we are not even a proper couple just cohabiting , we often can’t discuss anything without all hell breaking loose and yes it sounds selfish – but Where’s my support, happiness and joy – I can’t have any because I recognise he can only deal with himself right now . . I can’t make any plans because I really don’t know where we are going to be any further than a weekend !. It’s hard , I wish it on no one . I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like from his side – I suppose I will never understand that .

James thanks again – it really helps to hear it from the other side even though it’s hard to swallow some of it .

Look after yourself – stay strong . Thanks for making a difference X

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Bella pop you can do this lovely , the ups and downs are all part of the coming to terms with this crap . She are stronger than you know – dig deep . There is life beyond addiction i truly believe this ( I’ve just not finished my journey as yet to it ) Xx

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Hey , it’s been a stressful day here. Mine is anxious , can’t concentrate to go to work properly . We are struggling financially again with cash flow apparently and I’m not supportive?! Because I need to be more encouraging .. he’s wanting to remortgage and stuff . I just can’t put trust into him because he’s still playing the same game and is nowhere near in recovery I feel really uneasy as I’ve never been in financial trouble I don’t want to start borrowing more ! . His mood is awful I’m going to bed out of way soon . I’m sorry your two are doing this to you both , I can only say embrace the calm even if it doesn’t last or you have change of hearts. Poor kids in all of this – we should be enjoying our children not constantly thinking about coke and these selfish beings . Xx

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Hi Bella pop . Wow how callous is he – that’s awful . How is your son now ? Has he got a little better over the day ?. Mines a fantastic dad too and a really genuinely nice guy apart from when that stuff kicked in . Can you imagine if the shoe was on the other foot for us all . My god they wouldn’t of tolerated it for more than a week x x

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Morning Fayzey and Bella pop .

Yes Monday again , the start of my working week – a break for me where I actually think about me and what I need to do ! Ha I never would of thought that work ended up bring a sanctuary . This is where my problems start . Mine can’t work without it . So he says he’s quit now but I’ll be armed with my tests every other day . By Friday I can guarantee the week will be ruined with numerous arguments in the bag , my overthinking in full throttle , lots of “ detective “ work done , I’m sick of being the household crazy lady ( know I’m not crazy but that’s how it sends you isn’t it ). My kids got up an hour ago , mines still flat out sleeping through alarms . This when when I start getting irritated , the lack of help and no responsibility whatsoever.

Fayzey do you feel strong enough to walk away from him now then for good?. Do you have a plan? . I have a plan but like I said in another post I’m not just ready to start it just yet – but I need to because I’m sick of feeling lonely and longing for something that quite frankly I don’t think I will ever have again

xxx

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Fayzey , I’m sorry your on the rose form hell too 🙁 . I find it crazy that there are so many of us in this situation and you would pass each other in a street , chat in a supermarket and just never know . I saw a friend over the weekend that I hadn’t seen for 10 year and she was really lovely and complimentary and saying how well I looked ( she was probably being nice cause I really look knackered ) and how she thought I had it all sewn up with work etc … honest I was seconds away from laughing hysterically and saying not all is always as it seems – so off the mark it’s untrue . I felt so sad afterwards – I’d give anything to not be in a three way relationship with cocaine – because I’m always the loosing party .

fayzey I think that calm kicks in when they are gone automatically after some time because they really drain you. I hope your taking care of yourself and still making time to do some things you enjoy.

How long has he been doing this to your knowledge ?.

Send you a hug too xx

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Ps mine naps in his car at work claiming he’s working but loosing literally like 4/5 in the day sleeping . It infuriates me – esp as I’m doing everything at home and run abouts with the kids xxx

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I’m so glad to talk to others who know exactly how this is and how it feels , because even though our families and friends have been so supportive to me since I outed him and I’ll be forever grateful they can’t believe or fully get the crap that happens , the day in day out life ruining path this addiction has caused ,

Mine starting talking about home

Improvements this weekend and I actually said you need to fix yourself before you start anything else – his reply there’s nothing wrong with me that was just a blip last week . Mine has disappeared for days binging since March – in the end I didn’t even have to ask him to leave when I found him out he would go voluntarily and on a bender until he came back all emotional and upset with his pity party and promises that just get smashed to pieces every time .

I stopped even trying to find him in the end . His family worried sick and. Was like don’t worry sounds cold but he will he holed up in a decent hotel somewhere sniffing till his hearts content. I’m so anxious because I’m getting old r and can’t bear the thought that I maybe in the same predicament in 5/10 years time as he’s been at it for 2 yrs now and I didn’t know for part of that .

I am cold with mine , I don’t want any affection from him , physically stopped months ago because I feel sick .realised that he used to make moves when on it and I didn’t know and how I feel used so don’t want him near me . To be fair I don’t know why he’s still with me ( probably because I still run home life for him ) .he’s got us into financial trouble with risky coke behaviour , he drinks too much and refuses to except this fuels his triggers , he won’t get professional help, he’s unreliable with numerous things esp managing the kids , I’m sick of his come downs , he got bad indigestion tonight and was making a song and dance about it – all I could think was well there you go , that’s the coke I’m not interested . I feel like I’m sat on a ticking time bomb incase he goes proper under Meaning work , home everything we share together crashes down all because he likes to shovel that sh1t up his nose ( sorry I’ve got angry just recalling things ). I can’t even watch a tv program with drugs in it without getting angry because this stuff really has ruined everything I know xxx

Bella I’m on anti Ds too – I feel like I’m only on them

Now because of him and I’m frightened of wobbling With the stress from this . Otherwise I’d of been off them a while back xxx

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Hey Bella pop and Navy .

Bella pop my situation is mines currently back at home and he’s promising me that he’s here to make me happy and give me a good life after everything he’s done , except Tuesday just gone “ it was there so I just did it – but I didn’t pick up “ oh that makes it better doesn’t it !!. We have a family holiday to go on and almost wishing it’s done because it’s the only promise left to the kids with him . I don’t know what to do though because once I start the ball rolling it doesn’t stop then . Somewhere in my tangled mind I think but maybe this is it when he promises me he’s done and if I don’t give him this chance what happens if I look back and he’s clean and I jumped ship .

I know deep down the answer and I’m sick of listening to myself – I’m still coming to terms with all this because it is exhausting and traumatic isn’t it !.

Bella pop mines just the same – he’s got a drop off and done it when I’ve gone out for a half an hour walk and my kids were in bed . I just can’t get over this is the same person I’ve been with for 15 years ,

Navy mine doesn’t get up in the morning a lot of the time but I thought that’s when he’s coming down . This is the whole problem I don’t know what’s real anymore in the relationship , day you day going’s on . I’m constantly watching him for ‘signs’ it’s mentally and soul destroying isn’t it .

The why can’t I leave I think it’s because we are not quite there yet .

If he was in recovery it would be different , but this isn’t recovery – he calls them relapses but the most he can go with out is 10 days and then he’s deceitful , sneaky , manipulating and just dam right lies .

I thank god for my kids – because i hold it together all for them but he’s damaging me massively that’s not to be overlooked 🙁 xx

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Bellapop , thanks for adding on mine , j just read this of yours ( I shouldnt be awake at this hour but minds on overdrive as usual ) and yea same sad scenario . Mine started doing it as a daily thing in the first lockdown . I held on to his secret until Feb of this year after numerous broken promises etc. I’m the one whose ended up at counselling and other ways to manage the stress of his addiction ! It’s just horrendous I know so much about cocaine and I’ve never done it !! .

Does he admit he’s an addict ? , how do you feel when he’s gone ( like tonight ) my house is calm and I manage so much better when I’m not under the strain of his habit . I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said this is it only to give him another chance because he’s said it’s different. I can’t comment on does this get better unfortunately because mine has not , but have the comfort that we are not alone and we have to start choosing ourselves first xxx

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No , nothings off limits with that stuff I guess . X

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Not that I know of . Xx

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He’s a fool . I hope you’ve been managing ok with your boys whilst all this has unfolded . It’s been my saviour too this forum ❤️ , mine had left and I started to make plans to leave etc and then he did a you turn ( not the first time though ) he’s 12 days clean but that’s testing every other day . I’m still living on pins and my walls are fully up . So That’s where I am right now but that can always change in a matter of hours in this world as you know x

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I know it’s not going to feel like this right now , but you are worth so much more than him and his addiction . You will be ok – you really will , find that strength in your belly Mammy xx

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