[rati]

Hi there,

2 weeks earlier my husband beat me. He is addicted to drugs (methamphetamine and cocaine), but he does not admit it. The physical abuse became a police case, and he was told to stay away from me for 60 days. Sometimes he is still under the influence of drugs, and then sends rambling messages for me around the clock. If he clean, at that time floods me with love messages.

My situation is also complicated by the fact that, on the one hand, my husband’s family is trying to alleviate his behavior. They say he doesn’t know what’s wrong with me, I don’t answer him, he can’t see me, even though he loves me more than anything. On the other hand, it’s also terribly depressing to be emotionally attached to him even after what happened. I hope it was “just” because of the drug and that if he manages to overcome his addiction, everything will be fine.

I have known each other with my husband for 6 years (we have been married for 2 years) and in the first year he had no problems, had no outbursts of anger, was not sickly jealous and did not want to control every step of my life. Then a horrible thing happened in his life, his workshop burned, his whole life. Then he started to change his behavior, he started taking drugs he had never really admitted, or if I found something in him, he said it wasn’t his. From then on, he became more and more jealous, reading into my phone, putting a location tracker in my car, and watching the position of my phone. If I didn’t respond to his call right away, he came to say he was sure that I was with someone else and I’m cheating on him. His biggest outbursts of rage when he screamed and broked all around him were about once a year. I thought it was because of drugs and stress. I always managed to calm it down. Then, as the years went by, he became more and more deluded, inventing things about me that were nowhere near reality.

In the meantime, he always said that no one had ever loved me more than he had, and in fact I felt the same way about him. And the trouble is, I still feel that way, even though I know this isn’t the person I met and fell in love with. I keep hoping that if he overcomes addiction, we can have a future. Every day I recall what happened that night… Every day I replay in my head what he did to me so that I don’t want anything from him anymore … but it seems it doesn’t help either …

In the last few days, he started calling our mutual acquaintances and telling them he didn’t know what had happened, I wiped out all his computers, changed his passwords, and he ended up at the police, but he didn’t understand why and he didn’t understand why I was doing this to him. But I didn’t do anything … I always tried to help him and pull him out of the deepening pit. But I failed…

I am terribly afraid of what will happen next, what to do when a trial takes place. How to behave, what to say, I’m afraid to face it because I feel like I still love … but not this monster, but the one I met 6 years ago.

Thank you.

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