Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi,
Not posted for a while, but its been good to look back at everyone’s comments but sad to see so many people effected by the same things.
The help I had from Icarus trust was amazing – phoned me every week at agreed times when it was safe for me to talk. Also since I was last on here, I found a local support service for family members of drug users (out of my area so I felt it was confidential enough – but near enough for me to get to. They were really great – just listened with no judgement). They sent me on a day group work course for ‘carers’ which helped me learn to look after my own needs better, I also started having some counselling to try and work out why I was still struggling to let go of a relationship that was making me feel so bad.
Iv’e been really lucky having the above and have gradually started to have more confidence to confide in a couple of close friends who I really trust. Being able to finally feel able to be more honest with someone close to me has been a massive relief. I have chosen these friends carefully though as I know many people will judge him and me for choosing to stay with him.
I guess the problem with addictions is that what causes them is so complex and its still so misunderstood that many people in the world want to judge it so negatively. I think this maybe stops people and their families seeking the help they need and being honest? Living a double life and the ‘lie’, pretending we were ok when we are far from it has been one of the things I have felt hardest. Sometimes I feel like my face would crack with the false smiles I have put on.
Problem is the behaviours that come with addiction – the lying, cheating, stealing, the wrecklessness, the compulsion to use over the consequences to those around it, can make a person seem so dis-likeable and untrustworthy to those who don’t know them well (I know many people suffer violence from their loved ones too – I’m lucky iv’e never experienced that from this partner). To those who do know them well, it’s so confusing as we love their good parts and crave seeing that person again, but we are constantly hurt by their behaviours so are constantly in conflict as to how to treat them what to do to help them or to protect ourselves.
I didn’t really identify as being a ‘carer’ but guess we kinda are in a way if you accept addiction as a disease where someone loses the ability to control the compulsion to use? I know there are others that have been forced to do much more than myself both practically and financially though. I felt like had I started parenting my partner so I guess it is caring in a way (waking him up for work in a morning, doing all the cooking, cleaning, getting up with his kids when they come to stay while he snores away on his back. I gave up trying to wake him up time and time again as it made me too angry but then doing what I felt like he should be doing made me angry too so it’s hard to win). I don’t know if me being like this though has done either of us any good. Maybe I’m too soft, I don’t know?
If I look at addiction as a disease I feel less angry with my partner but with that in mind am uncertain if I then enable him in some ways which could be feeding the addiction? It would be good to hear from anyone who has struggled with their drug use what is the best thing that helps from their partners or family members? Can you reduce it back to now and again use or do you think you need to try and cut it out completely? What do we do as family members to help? Do we need to be more strict? Do we need to to be more understanding? Is it more about how we learn to communicate with each other? How honest should we be with our kids?
The Carer’s course told us not to take responsibility for things which the people we were caring for could do for themselves, I find its hard to know which of these things are always. Its easier to know if someone has a broken leg that they cant walk and might need help with lifting and cooking and stuff but less obvious when a problem is with someones mind or mental health. I do believe my partner has PTSD, he doesn’t sleep and has nightmares. He went to the GP for counselling re this but what I don’t know is if he was honest about his coke use and how much that was contributing to his symptoms.
I told my partner I needed us to to get coke out of our lives or I would end things with him and I meant it this time. I appreciate however its not going to be that easy for him to just stop but he is pretty negative about using services – he has been through them all in the past and doesn’t feel they can teach him any more. I think its his pride as well.
I am taking a good look at myself in terms of what mixed messages I give and trying to be clearer on what I will or won’t tolerate. I’m still not 100% clear but am working on it in counselling and I’m getting there. If I didn’t have a problem with him using now and again on a night out in the past would I still tolerate it now given how things have got? What would I do if I found him using coke in my house? What would I do if we went on a night out now and he was using, what would I do if I stayed at his and found him using downstairs after I had gone up to bed? I’m still uncertain if my life can improve with him in it and how to contribute to us moving forwards together if that is possible.
Towards the end of last year I started to intentionally distance myself from him and we stayed together and saw each other much less (we don’t officially live together and he has always had his own place, so appreciate this was easy for me to do than people who are financially tied). I spent more time with friends and felt less drained and anxious but I still felt sad and still missed him. I hoped if he saw less of me he would miss me too – it didn’t always work though and sometimes I didn’t hear from him for days which hurt so much and a few times I gave in and would phone him all hysterical. He would seem emotionless and cold and I felt like a stupid child begging and humiliated.
The longest I didn’t see him for was 2 weeks. I actually started to get used to the idea of being single and started to feel better in myself and happier again. But we hadn’t officially sat down and said we were over and hadn’t had that conversation with our kids. That was what I dreaded the most, another family breakup.
He said he didn’t want to end things and would do whatever it took. I felt confused about whether he actually loved me or was using me and couldn’t cope with being on his own. We agreed to start dating again. But we always had used to go to pubs which was where he always used coke so I found it really hard not to feel anxious and question his every movement and was scared we had nothing to talk about any more. I was scared maybe we never did and it was drinking and drugs scene which had brought us together. Each time he was a few minutes late coming back to my house i would become hysterical and would obsessively phone him and scream at him. He actually took it though mostly and said he understood how his behaviour had impacted on me.
He still hasn’t gone for help from any substance use services though.
Weirdly, my partner appears to have stopped using coke since this lock-down – his behaviour is consistent with this (is spending more time with me, is coming to bed almost at same time, hasn’t done a disappearing act, is driving less erratic, is helping to cook and go shopping, seems happier, more affectionate). It seems he is more like the person he was when we first got together. I’m trying to enjoy it for what it is now but do feel nervous for the future.
I can’t thank the services for families I have used so far, they have really helped me as an individual but what we probably need now is counselling as a couple if we have any hope of long term survival. I haven’t found any specialist counselling services online for couples struggling with substance use. Not that we can afford anyway. There seems to be a lack of resources from services to treat the family as a whole.
I have written much more than I intended so sorry if this is a rambling post! Its felt quite good to get it out though.
I hope everyone else on here is able to access any help they need specially under current weird times.
Obviously I know its not just that easy. Ive just started gettin help from Icarus trust. They are awesome. They have arranged weekly phone calls for me at the minute with a worker. Maybe this could help you too?
Sounds like you have tried everything and the only thing now is to try and protect you?
Will you stand by him if he is sent down? Do you think if he is it may give you time on your own to think more clearly about what you want and need?
Maybe with all the chemical confusion he also needs time alone to tap in to his real feelings if he has any left.
Time apart may be the only way to salvage your marriage if there is anything left and also for you to regain your strengh and sense of self?
Hi Hox. Thats such sad news for you. It sounds like stuffs hit rock bottom.
Maybe he cant feel love for anyone at the moment and you have more to give to the people in your life who can actually give you some love back?
Is he likely to go to prison for whatever hes in court for?
I hope you have some hood freinds around you at present?
Hi Georgia, one of hardest things Ive found is being scared of what other people think which means I constantly cover things up n pretend alls ok which stops u getting the help u need.
Cos I still work in services supporting people Ive always felt afraid to access services myself in case people judge us n think Im not capable of doin my job or summit.
Stigma around drugs does exist n you cant deny it,
But I wouldnt beleive someone else wasnt capable of think less of them if they were having problems so think its time for me to bite the bullet n contact local support myself.
I hope you manage to get some support too through this.
This forum has been a great start for me this week and I really appreciate it x
I will watch it too later.
Thanks to both of u for sharing n the advice x
Hi Danman. Do you mind me asking whats the best way for a family member to help you stop?
Its strange as Ive never worried too much about him overdosing, n Im not sure why. I think its more his behaviour changes , unpredictable moods n mental health which effect me the most. I dont often see him vomiting like you described n maybe if I did I would worry more about his physical health n find it harder to think about asking him to leave. My partner does still have his own room in a shared house but spends most of his time at mine as we were working towards living together properly as soon as my son moved out but at the minute I dont think its a good idea.
Thank you Hox for your reply. I also feel very alone. I havent told him to stop as Im not sure he can without help. Im also not sure at this stage that he wants to or will choose me over the coke and I know it might sound weak but im not ready to end things with him yet. Im just trying to think of some conditions at the moment that I put to him to protect myself and see if things improve. I was thinking of telling him to go for help or move out. My gut is at the moment though that he doesnt see his lifestyle as a problem. Hes sees my view of it as the problem and I might have to come to terms with the fact we dont want the same things from life. I guess I feel lucky that I do have good freinds around me but I havent had the courage to be honest with them about it yet x
Hi Hox, my partner uses coke now n again n for a while I just accepted it as a normal part of life as other parts of our relationship were so good n I just kinda compared it to someone having a drink for a buzz (allthough obviously not a legal buzz). It seems however to be gradually taking over. He seems to hav a lack of interest in anything else n allthough makes the effort to spend small pockets of time with me still I feel he’s dying to ‘get it out of the way’ like hes trying to appease me first so he can ‘escape’ to go and chase something more exciting. My self esteem is lowering n we seem to be constantly arguing. Im not sure where to turn either so sorry if this isnt much help but I guess I understand how you feel.