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Hi thank you for sharing your story. Your doing the best thing for you as you saying goes you didn’t cause it, you cant cure it & you cant control it. It’s so devastating when you first learn of your loved ones addiction your brain cannot comprehend what’s happening the overwhelming feelings & worries consume you daily it’s so tough! I hope alanon helps you, im thinking of joining myself as i really want to learn how to detach with love. Can I ask do you go to the meetings in person or via zoom? I know they did them via zoom during pandemic. Sending love x
Hey! Been thinking about you & wondering how your getting on. I did think that maybe you’ve had a lot on and that may be why you’ve not been on here. Oh wow sounds like you’ve truly been through the ringer! He’s completely out of control isn’t he, you’ve done the right thing and it must feel so good to finally be able to close that door and be done! You deserve so much better and to be happy with your girls which sounds like your doing just that! How lovely to have got a friend too it helps so much doesn’t it, and it feels good to put that energy somewhere else too. I’m so glad despite it all you’ve got your family back and your getting back on track. How’s the new job going too? Did you start? Xx
Oh Debbie i totally relate to everything you’ve just said it’s like banging your head against a brick wall isn’t it! They don’t give you answers they are so blasé about it all like it’s not an issue and we are the crazy ones worrying about their health finances our future and so on. They are so laid back about it all you feel like you just want to shake or smack them sorry but it really annoys me! They don’t realise how lucky they are to have us and take everything for granted & most likely don’t realise until they are on their own or we’ve walked away and even then they may not change. As much as this place really helps me, it can be quite daunting at times when your trying to hang onto hope to see so many stories that have no light at the end of the tunnel also seeing the new ladies who like us have just discovered they have an addict for a partner and endlessly search the web until they find this forum. It’s awful, and I hope you’re okay maybe you need a break for abit from him no big decisions just yet may do your mental health some good. Just a thought sending love x
Hey Debbie, it’s no problem at all honestly we’re all sadly in the same boat and it’s a living nightmare isn’t it! I can’t agree more with what Waltonfam has said she is spot on! It’s typical addict behaviours finding us or normal things boring the only thing that excites them is drugs sadly and what a miserable life that is. They are impossible to talk to or get close to they push all help support advice away and it’s so draining for us as the fixers and partners losing ourselves to fix them. We really do have to say is it worth it? They won’t be who they were before without getting clean and a lot of self reflection. If they could see clearly they would be so shocked at how they have treated us! I really think unfortunately with some all the support in the world doesn’t help just enables them as they don’t need to change when they have it all there. I do hope for you that these two weeks go smoothly because above all else you need some time out and a lovely break! Take it easy and day by day try not to look to far ahead & also backwards too thinking of who they were as it just upsets us more not them. Sending love x
Hi Debbie, sorry to jump in but have been keeping up with your thread for some time now. And as a partner well now ex partner of someone suffering with cocaine addiction my heart goes out to you. I can’t commend you enough for how much you are fighting and holding on to hope that he will change i understand you love him. But what about you? How are you? Is all this uncertainty making you feel good? In my opinion no matter what we do they will only change if they want to, no threats or ultimatums or losses will make a blind bit of difference! I’ve found that out in the last two years. It’s also the treatment they dish out too it’s unacceptable addict or not! I’ve been like you going round and round in circles with my ex and finally had enough he kept pulling me in then pushing me away every time he used or drank. I was so mentally drained and the anxiety was unreal. I was so scared to pull away believe me, but like you i am starting to become numb, there’s only so much fighting you can do for someone that’s not fighting for themselves. Anyway hope your okay as that’s the main thing. Decide what you want to do base your happiness on you, not the outcome of a situation or what he’s doing hope that makes sense. Much love x
Hey, sorry I did read your last post haven’t had a chance to get back. Glad to hear you’re feeling better after having COVID what timing eh with starting new job always the way! Sorry to hear he’s being a pain at the min could be he’s testing you as your not putting up with it anymore and he’s clearly trying to control you. Hope you get car back do you think he knows about the wedding as bit of a coincidence that he’s got it? I think that maybe you could have that as a boundary that he cannot use your car anymore it’s entirely up to you though of course! I don’t blame you being overprotective especially over the baby I’m the same even though i know she’s safe with him but feel like she’s more mine because I like you have done practically everything for her. Try relax enjoy you’re bath don’t let him get to you easier said than done I know. Sending love x
Hey, I’m good thank you feeling much better now was awful being unwell on my own with the kids but I did it as you do! Glad to hear your first day went well always the way when you need sleep either you or Bubba can’t sleep well always happens to me. I find in a lot of childcare settings not all you get women like that which is a shame really but the kids are what make it so you can put up with that haha. At least he showed even if that late I would of told him to leave it, but it’s easier said than done you moan when they do nothing so you sort of accept it sometimes and bite you’re lip. Oh don’t how did you keep a straight face when he was showing you he’s money making schemes they are so full of bright ideas when the best idea would be to stop coke but hey ho! That’s good you’re staying strong not giving in to he’s messages, it will show him you’re not putting up with it anymore! Did hear from him tues he messaged lunchtime asked how me an kids were and said he’s at new job all going well. Then he called weds evening & Thursday around 6/30 ish to check in as he said. We spoke Friday evening as I messaged just to see how things are he’s mum not been to good with her breathing after op. He got back within 10 mins so he was waiting to hear from me I think lol, anyway yesterday I thought it was the weekend so probably won’t hear any didnt mind either way of course it’s nice to hear from him then he must of seen me online on WhatsApp as soon as I went on I see he’s name & “typing” I thought blimey he said he did job for a mate was home now and seeing how I was, we spoke again last night he sent me YouTube video was funny then out of no where he says I can pop up in the week after work if that’s okay? He never has initiated that only once before I think so I said yeah that’s okay be good to see you. Hes gone from 0/60 real quick so I’m trying to process it and not get blindsighted and stay strong & keep my boundaries, I don’t know if he’s up to something or he’s realised what he’s been doing who knows it’s hard to tell! But I don’t mind he’s company we get on well it’s just a shame he shuts me off everytime he uses I think that’s the shame side of it defo. Anyway so glad your well will update on here if he comes up and how that went lol x
Hey, it’s so hard isn’t it. Especially if they don’t respect your boundaries, If they are serious then you may have to distance or cut him off as addict or not he needs to respect those. I really try and see them as two people and blame the addict for certain behaviours but of course that in no way makes it acceptable but i find it makes it easier to understand the behaviour, i find again this is what works with me as I have to deal with him due to having children together. Hope this helps xx
Hey, I’m feeling much better today, was aching felt hot & shivery the works my eldest the 13 has been doing so much to help from cooking school runs bless him not without moaning about it though! Can totally relate to that why don’t they just be upfront would make life so much easier and less headache but I suppose that’s the addiction side of it covering up and lying. Glad to hear your girl had a lovely birthday 18 wow officially an adult, bet it’s lovely having a girl that age. Why is it they wait until it’s a big day too when you have something to take your mind of them & they just pop up so annoying! Nice they dropped presents, do you reckon he’s mum bought them? No harm reaching out about the youngest I think you have learned like me how to detach and just focus on the kids you have to. Their mums are just as bad ain’t they, he’s mum is so uncaring it’s unreal no empathy and straight to the point which don’t help at times. Yes it’s so hard I wish it was that clear cut at times like they had cheated but then you still have to deal with them coz of the kids so either way it’s crap! Totally get the talking around you still love him it’s hard to just cut that off it takes time. Hope all goes well with the childminder and you like her that’s so important. It will be so strange for you working but just what you need! Do let me know how your first day goes so pleased for you. Thank you well he did call me about 6pm lol he asked how I was feeling & told me he just got back from hospital he’s mum had op on varicose veins she has been kept in over night he dropped stuff off to her. He did job today, and starts new one tomorrow hopefully it goes well for him, im not gonna get emotionally attached to the outcome I can’t anymore it made me so ill! He’s lovely despite the addiction that’s what makes it so sad. He said he would call tomorrow but again not holding him to it haha, just gonna take each day as it comes and carry on concentrating on what I need to do & myself that’s the best way I think! Xx
Hey, sorry for late reply, been ill since Monday with tonsillitis so that’s been fun! Feeling somewhat human today thank god and throat isn’t as sore. So much has happened since we last spoke, kids stayed Sunday night he dropped the baby back he took the kids to school & picked them up, kids had a lovely time with him and seemed to have enjoyed themselves bless them as long as they are happy that’s the main thing! He asked for he’s passport when he dropped kids back as he had a interview on Tuesday, he then told me what job was I didn’t ask as didnt want to make a deal out of it and ask questions. He called me yesterday to see how I was feeling because he brought me some covid tests up when he dropped them off as wanted to rule that out as I felt rough! He also told me he got the job starts Thursday as he’s doing a job for a mate today, kinda wish I didn’t answer now tbh coz I stupidly text today even though it wasn’t about him, I mentioned that our son now has a sore throat and we’re dropping like flies, an no reply which is funny but typical! Its shown me ive learned a lot in this time and normally this would trigger me but it hasn’t! I just find hes behaviour bizarre even though I get it now and expect it so it doesn’t surprise me lol. Anyway enough about me. Well done you for getting the job that’s amazing! It’s going to do wonders for you doing something for you, so pleased for you, you deserve it! That is mad that he’s mum popped up maybe he’s testing the waters through her some how it’s so hard to trust their motives isn’t it when they don’t bother then pop up. Can’t believe she said good luck, clearly you doing well bothers her! How embarrassing selling things on eBay, and you can see desperate times calls for desperate measures eh! I really hope he don’t just pop up and throw you all off track as they seem to do, and my one is obviously trying too but it’s how I let it affect me and I won’t this time! Happy birthday to your girls for this week hope they have a lovely day! Xx
Hey, how are you? I’m having a lovely weekend thank you. Baby shower went well was a lovely day got home about 10 last night, felt so good to get dressed up & have a break! It was so needed, all 3 kids ended up staying with him I was gonna pick the baby up but would of been past her bedtime by the time we got home so asked if she could stay he said that was fine. Yes I think he does definitely wish he did and could be back home, ive noticed he’s relapses are emotional he was doing well for a couple months before Christmas. I dunno, I feel in a better place with it all now and have cut off worrying about it, what will be will be! I hope he continues to show up for the kids now as they deserve us both in their lives & I need the bloody break that’s for sure haha. Having a chilled one today kids will be back between 7 or 8 so watching Netflix and making the most of the peace for now! Oh don’t it’s always the ones with the lovely faces and that have crappy personalities isn’t it! Gotta laugh haven’t you. Hope you and kids are well. Xx