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Hey, honestly he’s face was a picture. I just didn’t want to give any reaction and play it cool that it ain’t bothered me him not getting in touch. Believe me i was seething inside! I know right the utter cheek doing he’s shopping like a normal person after the havoc he’s caused by being an addict it’s madness! He was sober you could tell he doesn’t use daily it’s in binges. Totally relate to having someone that’s just like you me & him had so much in common do miss that bond too that we had not gonna lie it is hard he’s completely normal between binges just not great at communicating he never has been that’s he’s downfall. Same with us we went out a lot and all our mates well his mainly have settled down and don’t have nothing to do with it a true mate wouldn’t they would be looking out for you. I know what you mean you can be so exhausted physically but mentally it keeps you wide awake thinking about it all I am trying not to dwell on things and just trust either way things will be okay. He did get in touch today was so shocked he messaged and asked if he could pick the kids up in the morning and have them this weekend at he’s mums. Great timing too as it’s my sisters baby shower tomorrow already cancelled because of getting there with all the kids but now he’s having them im going! So made up about that! I’m glad he messaged also for the kids my youngest boy has really missed him. Don’t get me wrong If he pulls away again with no good reason i won’t be giving him another chance i will tell him no and stick to it! Oh sounds promising on the job front! ???????? you get the term time one how handy will that be. You will feel so much better once you’re working, I want to be a midwife going to pursue it once my youngest is in school as can’t afford childcare at the min and all my family live in essex. Defo have to sort it one day to meet hopefully things go well my end and he has kids so i can get out an make plans! Be lovely to meet you. Xx
Hey, how’s things? Coming on with an update my end. Guess who i bumped into in Tesco, only him didn’t i! It was totally by fate as i forgot a certain item and had to head back the way to where we then bumped into him. I was on the phone with my older son, then my youngest boy run ahead shouts mummy it’s daddy, i was so shocked and taken off guard honestly. I was trying to keep myself calm, my son cuddled him and they was talking about what we’re having for dinner as my boy had poppadums for a curry lol, he honestly wasn’t expecting to bump into us you could see it in he’s face. I don’t normally go in there at that time before school run so it was a major fluke! Long story short he asked me how ive been said ive been good. I said why havent you been in touch reckons it was personal stuff and as time dragged on he didn’t know what to say. He then said ill come up tomorrow that old chestnut, i said look don’t feel obliged or forced to bother with the kids because you’ve bumped into us, your either in or out were fine regardless it’s up to you! He then said i was going to message the weekend actually i said you expect me to believe that? He said I was just gonna come up or call you it’s been a while now and he says he misses them. So it’s been left he will call tomorrow and pop up, he told my boy daddy will see you tomorrow. Do i believe him nope! Can’t help but feel like he just said it tbh, so im not sitting here waiting on that call as I will get my closure either way if he doesn’t I will know he clearly isnt interested in seeing the kids! Hopefully he does for the kids if not then we will carry on as we were. And yes it’s disgusting how their addiction ruins us too and we can’t turn to drugs to numb it it does infuriate me at times honestly but no choice to accept the shitty situation he has put himself and us in. Hope your keeping strong and not falling for it they can be so manipulative can’t they! Sorry to hear that job didn’t work out, ???????? for the interviews do let me know! Xx
Hey James, can i ask what happened that made you want to put the drugs down & recover?
Hey, I’m good thank you. Still trying to hold up on my side been 5 weeks now & still no contact from children’s father, but im getting better mentally so that’s one good thing! You don’t deserve that treatment addict or not that’s no way to speak to you or behave. It’s good your putting your foot down. Did you know him before the addiction I ask this as of course it can bring out a nasty side in people who already are, but also makes the nicest person do despicable things. My ex was such a lovely person before he’s now unrecognisable the lengths he’s gone to for cocaine.
Hey Tory, hope you’re okay. I wish you all the best and this is the best thing you can do for you. Xx
Hey. Sorry to read this, you may not feel this now but he’s done you the biggest favour! You are not worthless most of time people don’t like you because they ultimately don’t like themselves, he sounds like a nasty piece of work you’re better off without! It has nothing to do with your kids he knows this too he’s clearly delusional and in denial about he’s addiction. He’s made he’s bed let him lie it in i say. Move on be happy you deserve so much more! Sending hugs xx
Hey Louise,
You’re very welcome and you’re not alone! it helps me so much coming on here so anytime you want to chat i check in daily. I know all too well the cycle of them leaving promises the love bombing etc you miss them and let them home but deep down in your gut you know its not right neither is it helping but you dont know what else to do.
Thats good your not actively enabling although the cycle is enabling if that makes sense. i totally get that you do get so angry at times it often falls on deaf ears though or they get defensive, so your not achieving much.
So sorry to hear the doctors weren’t much help, they should of offered him advice on where to get help for the addiction and suggest he stops and sees how hes depression is then and review it then as nothing will change in 3 months unless hes stops. Its a tough one because some people do use because they feel depressed to numb it and that drug is the worse for depression as you know. He wont get the help or answers from that until he stops unfortunately or speaks to a therapist to get to the bottom of it.
Sorry to hear that you cant just leave, its good he still has a job but it wont be long before that may be affected and you may have to look for financial support elsewhere. Its so tough if you need support to deal with living with an addict and detaching alanon is good i haven’t used it myself but its brilliant for people who cant just leave be it because of financial or if its your child suffering with addiction.
After a few times of him just disappearing when he either went to work or didnt go and went on a binge or he would go shopping drop food off on the doorstep and text to say hes messed up again he would then ignore my calls and left me heavily pregnant with 3 other children, racked with worry and anxiety i had enough asked him to leave that was last may he still lives with hes mum as not much as changed its got worse unfortunately. Were also not together.
I had to leave mainly for my mental health, it scared me how out of control i felt with worry and anxiety and nobody is worth my peace of mind. I felt guilty for this an wished i was stronger to help him but came to realise either way i couldnt help.
I cope by keeping busy, sorting areas of my life out that i can change or improve. 4 kids keep me very busy thats for sure. Im discovering myself and my strengths again also reading massively helps take me out of my head for a bit or reading up on addiction as it does comfort me at times as strange as that sounds its my mind making sense of it all i think.
xxx
hey louise,
Firstly, how are you?
So sorry to read your story, wow you have been through alot. You’ve come to the right place as there is many us on here who understand how lonely and overwhelmed your feeling right now. Its a living nightmare one you would’nt wish on your worst enemy having an addict in your life.
Im a little further into my story then you but it started off the same way, hes use escalated into full blown addiction. A new baby, me kicking him out, him loosing jobs, depression he still goes back to it.
You will spend alot time trying to understand why he does the things he does and you wont make sense of it all. Gather as much information about addiction as you can this will help you understand and also not take it personally.
It will come above everything sadly which was so hard for me to accept. They will not change unless the consequences are so great even then they may carry on. You cannot help them unless they want to change it has to be their decision. you cannot control the outcome.
What you can control is what your willing to put up with if its affecting your mental health you have to put yourself first. If you feel it wont change then leave put you first this may provoke change in him or it may not he may do periods without it and go back.
Sadly it will get worse for him its a progressive disease. Unless he gets help and recovers this is the path he is on. You need to ask yourself where you fit in this situation if your enabling in any way its allowing the addiction to continue, sometimes cutting them off is the best thing for you both as it is a emotional rollercoaster trying to stay with an addict.
i hope this helps you.
xx
hey, im doing good thank you.
Taking it day by day but getting so much stronger mentally my anxiety has gone for now which is brilliant it has done me a favour him cutting us off as ive had no choice but to concentrate on me!
Also well done you on getting a job feels good to put you first and do what makes you feel happy doesnt it? Same here ive been tackling admin small things around the house things that fell to the wayside last year when my mind was so heavily consumed worrying about him. ive also been venturing out more in the week getting a bus to a supermarket further away now my anxiety has gone im able to do and it feels good.
i have read up on narcissists and watched youtube videos looking at the connection between that and drug use. i wouldnt say my ex is a narcissist but the addiction has certainly given him traits thats for sure. What i would say though is that even without the addiction if i were to discover he were a narcissist i would run for the hills they are a mind f*** to put it politely and if you certainly feel he is keep your distance and emotionally as that will really help you. He may be wondering why you havent given in and he could ramp it up abit or he could walk away find a new supply which as you say will do you the biggest favour! Still no sign either this end and for the first time in a long time im okay with it dont get me wrong some days i feel sorry for myself an him for the situation he has got us in but im fine the next day and snap out of it. hope to hear back from you! xx
hi james, how are you? you seem to be doing well and for that you should be extremely proud! thank you for sharing the videos i watched them before bed last night. Hes insights to hes own addiction was very interesting also the comparison to a relationship is a good concept as ive never thought of it in that way. We too suffer withdrawals from the relationship when we cut addicted loved ones out the same way that you feel with the drug, alot of it is in the mind it is such a powerful thing. I have a really good video for you too please watch it let me know what you think its on youtube by cornerstone of recovery its called why an addict cant stop using the doctor who explains it is incredible and this video should be showed in 12 step meetings and in schools in my opinion. take care x
Hey Tory. I think your best bet is to tell him your thinking of selling as he’s addiction has got way out of hand and you cannot live with him anymore, you may of already said this. This may not get any reaction from him or he may realise he needs to get help. Have a look at what’s around in the market, you never know! I wish your son better too, it can only get better, have faith. Hard I know but i always say to myself it can’t get much worse. Sending love anytime it really helps me to feeling im helping in any way as you feel so lost, and you just want all the answers. Take care x
Hey Tory, I’m so sorry he’s not listening to your wishes. Has he said that he definitely won’t leave? The only advice I can give you is to speak to citizens advice see what they say it’s just so difficult where he is on the mortgage. I really feel for you it’s an awful situation to be in. Could you not go somewhere for a while or stay with family to get a break from it all i know you shouldn’t have to but it would do you the world of good. X
Hi Tory i can feel your pain confusion and upset in this question ???? & i can totally relate. Can i add they won’t see what disruption they have caused while they are still in active addiction it’s only when they get clean and make better decisions will they see the impact of what they have done & sometimes this can then trigger further use or relapses due to the shame & guilt they feel. How are you? Silly question I know keep strong ❤️ Xx
Hey Tory, that will not be selfish of you at all. You need to put yourself first in this situation as they will too. You shouldn’t have to put up with this you deserve so much more, it’s also enabling him not suffering consequences. It’s so hard when you love them & they are still there but a shell of a person who’s brain is warped and thinks of only one thing. Can I ask why he’s still living with you? Do you need hes help financially is there no where else he can go? I also want to commend you for having the strength for 4 years, once I realised my partner was out and I have tried to have him back on two occasions but he’s either hidden it in the house and I’ve found it or he’s run off and I refuse to live like that. He will only come back if he’s 6 months clean or more. This is my boundary it keeps me sane and me an the children are out of the madness don’t get me wrong I miss him terribly but he’s got to want to change and I’ve realised there is nothing I can do now but hope. I wish I could say it gets easier but there is no definitive answer as it lies with the person who’s addicted to when they get the help. But you can take yourself out of the situation and control what you do as that’s all you can do. X
Hi ladies, had to message on here as in the same boat, it’s awful isn’t it being left in the dark. My partner i say partner loosely was in touch before Christmas new job doing well relapsed just before Christmas and since then has cut me off and not been in touch for a month now or seen our 3 children, we live apart at the moment due to hes addiction. i really hope he’s gone away to concentrate on himself and sort it out as he lost the job he got too only had it since Oct so he’s not in a good place. Hope you’re both okay and it gets easier if it’s meant to be for you it will happen if not then it’s meant to pass. Sending love it’s a nightmare and hopefully they see the light & recover.