[redfox20]

Hi Tory, so sorry to read your story. Your are not alone there are lots of us on here who are in the same position with a loved one who’s addicted. It helps to come on here & vent and share your story, so your in the right place. It’s certainly a shock when you first realise they have a problem that’s for sure that will take some time to accept and sink in and that’s totally normal. It’s also a rollercoaster of emotions living with someone who’s in active addiction as you seem to know all to well with how your life is at the moment. My advice to you would be to firstly speak to him about he’s addiction see if he would be open to getting help explain how it’s affecting you all. If you get no where with that & you can’t live apart due to certain reasons not allowing it ie mortgage etc. I would suggest alanon its support for the people who have an addict in their lives they will give you tools to cope and tell you what is helpful for you. If he refuses to get help it will certainly get worse before it will get better, and you can’t help him he has to want to help himself. Just concentrate on you & the kids and maybe look at how boundaries are important too especially when living with an addict. Hope this helps x

[redfox20]

Hey how you doing? Not heard anything neither from him or he’s mum been nearly a month. Had to do some digging as wanted to go to csa but didn’t know if he was still working so called company he worked for before Christmas this was a new job he started Oct, they said he last came in on the 22 of dec they haven’t heard from him too like myself and they had to come to he’s mums address to take their company van back. I know speaking with him on that date he had cash from a job of the company as a client paid in cash he was due to go in the next day with the money to the office and also collect a new van as they were pleased with how he was doing. That obviously never happened so can’t help thinking he’s dipped into that money couldn’t pay it back so ignored them. It was a week in hand he was paid so they could of took the cash back from hes week they owe when they last paid him or wiped their hands clean of it who knows. We’re doing well! My anxiety has stopped thank god, kids are getting on good at school and ive finally accepted the situation for what it is and for whatever reason he’s not in touch right now and that’s okay. I’m not going to worry or dwell on things anymore it’s not healthy it’s not my problem to solve so I won’t worry about it! Hopefully he’s hit rock bottom and get his life together and gets in touch when he’s sorted and well if he don’t then he’s better off out the picture. How’s things your end, hope your remaining strong it’s not easy but so worth it in the long run for you! X

[redfox20]

Hi James, how are you doing? How’s your recovery going? Hope it’s going well. Thank you for your reply, so you didn’t feel differently towards her when in active addiction? I ask this as I feel how can someone still love someone the same but hurt them so bad, i also know this is the harsh reality of addiction. You say you never felt guilt, did you feel shame? My ex would apologise before he disappeared and say “sorry I f****d up again” is this normal he says as soon as he took the drug he knew he messed up and what the consequences would be? Now he’s completely cut me off after a relapse before Christmas hasn’t been in touch with me or the kids for 3 weeks now I think he’s lost he’s job but not in a good place. I’ve rescued him from rock bottom before and it hasn’t got me anywhere he’s got back on he’s feet than back to using. I have tried everything offering advice, support, trying to have talks about it he’s very defensive and shuts down just says I can do it myself, i think he has now learnt he can’t. Did you have a rock bottom? X

[redfox20]

Hi James, thank you for checking in & giving us your perspective of things to help us understand an ease our pain a little, it’s so insightful seeing it from the other side it really is. Can I ask you said when sober you would do anything for your partner do you mean before your addiction or in between using?

[redfox20]

Hey, sorry to hear he didn’t come to your little one’s birthday, they become so selfish don’t they! Honestly nothing surprises me anymore, and I don’t expect anything either it’s the best way! I really think he will take you seriously once you make a stand as tbh he isn’t serious about stopping and is taking advantage of your good nature. Don’t give any attention to he’s threats unless your in danger they will act out when they feel they are loosing you it’s manipulative and a ploy to keep you there and to use you. You should defo meet that old friend and do what makes you happy, and deal with he’s mum he sounds very immature to me. She’s number 4 for me & same! It’s bloody hard work doing it alone but I’m doing it, and so will you! You honestly don’t need someone like that in your life kids father or not it’s nothing but a rollercoaster. Xx

[redfox20]

Hey, I’m okay thank you. Doing much better, it’s took a lot of learning & strength to get here that’s for sure. Things were going well before Christmas we still wasn’t together properly, but he was calling daily keeping in touch he was working he started a new job in Oct & was seeming to be doing well. He was having kids fortnightly and paying for them. He had a bad relapse before Christmas I think it was coz I chose to spend it with my mum this year after he disappeared one weekend & didn’t get in touch for a few days and was distant & it really pissed me off. I wanted to show him that things are different now and that’s how he’s life will be if he continues to use drugs, and also I couldn’t play happy families after what he done to me last year I just couldn’t. He’s mum picked the kids up Boxing Day as he slept and stayed alone in he’s mums house all over Christmas he spent all he’s wages & didn’t get the kids a single thing and i didn’t hear from him over that time. He hasn’t been in touch since 29th of dec has ignored my calls and texts asking if he’s still having the kids & sending them money, i last called on 5th of Jan to see what was happening & have since left it. My boy said he’s work van wasn’t at he’s mums on Sunday just gone as he went past on he’s bike with friends, so I think he may of lost the job so that’s why he’s hiding away probably depressed. I won’t get in touch now and I don’t care if he ever doesn’t again tbh. We’re okay without him I got through last year and was so mentally weak so i can get through this. So yeah he’s just dropped the kids no explanation from him or he’s mum nothing, things obviously aren’t good as when they ain’t we don’t hear from him. So we’re best to stay out of it. How old is your little girl now? My little one is nearly 10 months now she just started crawling the weekend my mum came down and we were altogether when she did it the first time was so lovely she still doesn’t have one tooth mind you haha. I hope things go okay with your landlord Im sure it will be fine as long as your able to pay, if not that’s disgusting of him to get you out just coz you’re own your own. You will show him us women just get on with it we don’t need a man haha! X

[redfox20]

Hey you! I’ve been thinking about you & wondering how you’ve been getting on. Sorry i didn’t get back to your last message i did read it! You have been through it haven’t you, i really hope you find the strength & put you first as it only will get worse! I’ve had to learn that too, i know you love him but you have to accept the drugs are driving he’s behaviour and decisions at the min and try not to take it personally. Also don’t question what he does or try to rationalise it as this will drive you insane! I promise you it will get easier & you will feel better don’t look back it’s so important you do it as he may not take you seriously at the min with going back and forth i get it ive done it too! I know you love him you want to help but you can’t he has to want it for himself and when that will happen even if it does who knows! Have hope of course but know that you leaving may not make him change it may get worse, but never blame yourself for it as it’s his problem not yours. You can only control what you do & in time you will be so much happier. Xx

[redfox20]

Hi Faith, thank you so much for your reply this is exactly why i come on here because im not alone, but i do feel incredibly lonely as we were together 10 years known him since I was 14 im 30 now. It’s like a death but he’s still living which is a feeling you know all too well. It’s devastating what I have struggled with most is accepting it & having no control. I’ve had to learn not to be codependent and I’ve detached myself, as much as I want to put my arms around him and hug him right now I can’t we couldn’t be further apart which is heartbreaking.. I will never understand it but will continue to educate myself & keep to my boundaries and hope he gets help for himself and the kids sake. Stories like your husbands gives me so much hope as their aren’t too many like that on here it’s all so upsetting but we’re all in it together and this is our safe place. Can I ask how they threw your husband a lifeline how did he come to get in touch with them because he wanted the help or otherwise? My ex did do a CA zoom but said it was all religious I did tell him to persevere but it put him right off. Shame is the main thing that feeds addiction it’s a vicious cycle that’s for sure. Thanks for the virtual hug ???? I have my mum who is brilliant but she’s sick of hearing about it and shuts down when I talk about him which is hard but I don’t blame her she’s sick of hearing about it so would i! I’m holding up okay my kids have really saved me this past year having a daughter after 3 boys was such a blessing she came when I needed her the most, even that he’s missed out so much of her life already & she was so wanted by us both and we dreamed about her for a long time, it’s just devastating.. xxx

[redfox20]

Hi Lindyloo so glad to hear how well your son is doing. May i ask what took him to get to that point? Did he hit the cliche “rock bottom” really looking for hope that my children’s father does recover.

[redfox20]

Hey I’m okay, plodding along trying to keep strong. My children’s father has not been in touch for two weeks now has just cut them off which i suppose he’s doing them a favour if he’s not in a good way at the min which I don’t think he is. I honestly think they are so far removed mentally that they just seem like they are there but not it’s like the lights are on but no ones home, or they are thinking about using either one! Maybe he has said that because he knows he can’t be who you want or need him to be right now and he knows your a lovely person. They will be jekyl and Hyde before Christmas my ex was keeping in touch paying me Child Maintenance & doing really well since the last relapse he has turned really cold distant and ignoring me, im leaving him to it not much else I can do & addiction is progressive it will get worse unfortunately no matter who you are. It is rather daunting I’m 30 with 4 kids we have 3 together and im pretty much a single mum now we were together 10 years so it’s hurts so much. X

[redfox20]

Hey, hope you’re okay. This is why I feel its so important to detach yourself as you question everything what they say, do, how they text. Can I ask is this normal behaviour for him was he a cuddly person before? My ex wasn’t some people ain’t I know he’s definitely more distant now he’s in active addiction as that is what they think & care about. You have to really ask yourself what you’re getting out of staying as long as they use they will be emotionally unavailable physically & mentally im afraid, I know it’s scary and you love him or course but if they ain’t working at recovery a relationship is impossible with them.

[redfox20]

This video will really help you both. It explains it perfectly and really helps make you sense of it all. No problem let me know what you think of it! ???? xx

[redfox20]

Hi Debbie, he explains it perfectly doesn’t he. Glad it helped you! You’re welcome ???? xx

[redfox20]

Just watched an amazing video on You tube it’s so insightful to help you understand it’s called why can’t an addict stop using by cornerstone of recovery. I feel like everyone on here needs to watch it! Let me know if any of you do sending love xx

[redfox20]

Just watched an amazing video on YouTube it’s so insightful to help you understand it’s called why can’t an addict stop using by cornerstone of recovery. I feel like everyone on needs to watch it! Let me know if any of you do sending love xx

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