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That’s a good thing you don’t have children together the less ties the easier to detach, even though I know you love him it’s still hard. He maybe be using due to he’s health conditions as he’s worried but won’t wake up and realise he’s killing himself abusing cocaine the way he is. Well done for holding things down at home and working too, this situation can break even the strongest person. You can be there for your kids but you can’t switch your mind off I know exactly how it is but they will pick up when you’re stressed, I know my moods are very up and down depending on how things were with their father so detaching as improved my mental health definitely even though my heart is aching. It will heal and you will feel better, and that’s okay anytime you want to message i will get back i check in here daily, as it helps especially when you question everything and what you should shouldn’t do but realistically there isn’t anything you can do, that’s hes responsibility never feel guilty. X
It’s never ending the worry isn’t it, you think of them all day long, i totally understand. If it’s affecting you’re mental health or causing you anxiety and he’s spiralling down he will only drag you down with him. He is the only person who can change he won’t do it for you only himself. I mean you walking away may be a wake up call but don’t count on it. You will feel terrible at first cutting him off if that’s what you want to do you will worry get anxiety grieve even it’s all normal but you will get stronger you will never accept it but you will come to terms with it. Distance really helps even though it’s the opposite of what you want or think you should do. I’m not sure if you have children with him, i have 3 with my ex. If I didn’t I would of walked away from the beginning and cut him off completely and moved on with my life and let him help himself you could always leave the door open if you really love him but if not your best to walk away, you can control what you choose to do in this situation and you must put must always put yourself first.
It’s so tough, it’s taken me a long time to detach myself you have to for yourself it will only get worse so many people on here told me this when I did my first post on here i didn’t believe them no not him it has indeed got worse. They will always put that first as they are not thinking straight they are only focused on one thing & it turns them into selfish monsters. How does it make you feel mentally? When you’ve really had enough you will know & you will you be able to cut him off but honestly you will only go round and round in circles with him and you will get hurt every time while he’s off he’s head sad but true.
Hi firstly you are not boring you are sensible as messing with cocaine only ends badly loosing everything or your life. He sounds like he has a bad addiction and you would be better of without him if you ask me as you sound like a lovely hardworking person. She isn’t fun she clearly has her issues to be sat around all day not working and sniffing cocaine, I mean that isn’t normal. Most people do cocaine as they are trying to numb trauma or escape normal life or damage they have caused to others i don’t envy them one bit, and neither should you, your much better off with your mundane life thats happy & healthy.
Hey Dan, he can go without it when he’s out of work for periods which is so hard to understand why he can’t continue with that but soon as he gets paid back to it, he obviously cant or just doesn’t want to. I think anyone he could of ticked off he’s owing them money so probably has friends buy it for him or new connects that want money up front. It’s so scary I have a 13 year old and I’m so upfront with him about it some may think it’s wrong but I want to open he’s eyes to what drugs can do to a person and any one as it doesn’t discriminate. It’s so scary i wish I had a magic wand to get rid of all drugs for good! It’s so hard all the information is out there but he was to want it and read it I don’t want to be preachy or ram things down he’s throat, I barely broach the subject as it just doesn’t change anything unless he wants to im at a loss. Reading certainly helps me, as insight is such a great thing.
Hey mate sorry just see this, please don’t feel like you have no one to talk to. You have made the first step in admitting you have a problem which is a good thing your now able to see quite clearly what it’s doing to your life. Do you want to stop because if your not 100% it will be very hard to quit. There is a lovely bloke called Danman on here please read he’s posts he’s in recovery from cocaine addiction and he’s insight may be so helpful to you. Do you know of C.A they hold meetings and to help people wanting to stop you can find them online type C.A meetings where to find. If your unsure about that your GP is another good place to start.
Thank you so much that means so much to me, i just want to be happy and make my children proud. Aww you’re gonna me start me off too, it’s so lovely to have the support from here we’re here for different reasons but it brings us all together which is so comforting. We’re all in this together, we’ve got this!
Yeah I did say about the higher power being anything like me the kids he’s future etc. I do think if he stuck it out it would help him as doing the steps is what he needs he has a lot of emotional trauma he has not dealt with and now the breakdown of our relationship and seeing the kids less surely adds to that hence more using. You’re right he has got to 10 weeks before only coz he lost he’s job so no money as soon as he was paid back to it, I think money is a trigger but he has had cash and not got on it and kept a job for last two months so he has some control but can’t stop it. I know he really loves me we are soulmates sounds soppy I know but this is the only thing that’s got between & we have been through so much and made it out together but this has broken us as it does a lot of people it’s so sad, but we have hope and where there is hope we can’t give up. You’re welcome Dan! Hopefully one day he’s up for the help and I can put you both in touch, i know some kick it alone but i personally think he needs it he has a lot to address. Hopefully me stepping away and meaning it this time helps if not at least for my sanity it sure will. x
Thank you, i will try my hardest to keep my boundaries it will be so hard but hopefully it helps him realise and get the help! He has never asked me for money if he has it’s been like twice for petrol or cigarettes never enough to get cocaine it was two occasions and I asked for proof which he sent. It’s so tough and especially when you miss them I have wanted to ask him to come back home so many times but we have 3 children and he needs to get this sorted for himself and them without me in the picture. I wish you all the best, have read your posts, and you’ve got this! Please update us on how things are once you move. Much love x
Hi Dan we are from east London. I am familiar with CA he joined a zoom online once said all they spoke about was god & it was quote “a load of bollocks” he thinks he can quit himself but after relapsing more than a few times I think he has come to realise how hard it’s going to be, he was doing well about 6 weeks or so then relapsed before Christmas. I think me being there is enabling I don’t help him in anyway or give him money but him knowing I will always forgive he’s relapses I don’t think is helpful we’re stuck in a cycle and at times I have been codependent I am reading a book called “codependent no more” it’s about learning not to control others or outcomes which we cannot control. I wish he would listen and I could get him to speak with you, as you would really help but he is so distant he isolates or goes quiet every time before a relapse so I know he’s using that then sets of my anxiety big time it’s a horrible situation. He also is awful at communicating about it & gets very defensive. You’ve come such a long way Dan the knowledge you have gained ie triggers what to do it will help you & you will beat this it will take time but you’ll get there just don’t give up! You help so many of us on here your insight really helps us try to understand and you really do put our minds at ease!
Hiya Dan, hope your well & had a good Xmas & new year. Your totally right I need to focus on me as it has been affecting me for along time mentally whether I’m involved or distancing myself I can’t switch off worrying about him it’s really unhealthy. He’s addiction is cocaine he’s 32 been using since he was 16/17 got out of hand last two years. I have left the door open to him and said I won’t get back with him until he stops, my mum said i shouldn’t of said it as it makes me look silly and he knows this already. I dunno is it good give him hope of reconciliation? Sorry to hear she hasn’t been supportive, I know me personally talking to him about it really triggers me and I talk to others instead of him when it’s he’s problem which is silly. He is a good dad & person which upsets the most about this situation he’s letting it ruin him. He been turning up for the kids he had let them down once before didn’t show, he has them every other fortnight. He hasn’t paid last two weeks due to relapsing, he is trying but i think me being there isn’t helping so need to let him deal with it & hope me cutting him off gives him incentive to change.
Hi dan, we have spoken before. Unfortunately my situation hasn’t improved well it lasts so long then he sadly relapses, he’s last one before Christmas as he wasn’t spending it with me & the kids this year, he was going to have them Boxing Day instead. I have tried everything forcing him, trying to make things work and live with him he kept disappearing to use. He moved out wasn’t doing good we sorted arrangements out for him to see kids he’s a good father and they are safe with him he’s not paid for them much due to he’s addiction but when he’s sensible he has, anyway long story short. As someone suffering with addiction what is the best way for me to deal with it? Should I cut him off and only speak with him when sorting kids out and remove myself out of he’s life will this help? Or try and be supportive which I have but it’s been so hard and affects me mentally have had bad anxiety because of all this. Once again thank you for your presence on here you’ve no idea how you help us. And welcome back ????
Hi Rachel, i know all too well how you feel it’s such a hard balance isn’t it as you want to help them but it’s hurting you. I feel that you can’t really help someone suffering with addiction, without enabling them. If they feel they will always have your support regardless they may lose incentive to stop. Can I ask what’s your situation what’s he’s drug of choice? Do you live together?
Hey how’s things? X
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