[redfox20]

Hey, hope your okay. That is the best way not contacting them unless they get in touch with you as it annoys you if they don’t get in touch and me personally that does affect my mental health. It’s disgusting how they drop off and ignore people when they use and they don’t think of the bigger picture what if there was an emergency with anyone or the kids they wouldn’t forgive themselves then would they? My ex is the same he’s is more he disappears because of the come downs after and feeling guilty he’s given into temptation again and used he has more sober moments then on drugs so he’s able to see the problems it has caused. They can be so manipulative especially when they are using more and the lies you can see straight through them but they think they have you so convinced it’s laughable. It does annoy you when they show up when it suits them I think deep down they want to be there and do all these things they say but the drugs always gets in the way unfortunately. I think sometimes the intentions are they but they cannot follow through as one split decision to use and all plans and money goes down the drain. Happy belated birthday to your son, I have 3 sons there bdays are July aug & sept & my only daughter was born in March his year she’s the 4th my last and only girl ????. Things haven’t been to bad for me for a change he’s in touch going to work we’re going out Saturday with the kids to the seaside he said he will show up as it would be bang out of order if he didn’t it was all he’s idea so hopefully I come back on here with a positive story of how it went. He seems to want to stop using on he’s own as that’s why he’s saying he hasn’t got help just yet how true this is time will tell but I never trust a word he says it’s really hard. He did however leave mine the other day after our sons bday and went and looked at someone’s roof for a job he’s mum said he came home from doing that and had dinner so didn’t go out as i thought he did it’s so hard to jump to conclusions though isn’t it? How are you doing hope you’re okay! X

[redfox20]

It really does destroy all relationships as once that trust is gone it’s so hard to get it back. It takes a lot of time and hard work on their part to achieve sobriety before they can ever be truly happy in any relationship. It does seem she’s pushing you away, as maybe these past few weeks she’s finally been able to see clearly without the drugs and is most likely ashamed of what she’s done to you. Denial is what they will do they will say your crazy anything to admit they dont have a problem, I think it’s scary admitting to themselves they have lost control. Time will tell if she stays clean but it’s her problem and it’s not something anyone can control only she can. I would just step right back and do your own thing, and what’s meant to be will be. But once you detach you will find that mentally you will feel so much better it will take time but you will!

[redfox20]

Hi Dan, the come downs sound awful, it truly is a vicious cycle only the addict can get out of. I think he’s realising it’s no fun no more he says the coke don’t do nothing now either how true this is I don’t know. He said that he gets the idea in he’s head and well you know the rest. He also said he’s going to try and stop it himself without help I mean some can but it will take a lot of relapses. Even with groups or rehabs the choice is up to the individual to stop he hasn’t been able to so far and he’s 2 years in to having no control over it.

[redfox20]

Hi Paul, sorry to read this. I often think if im a trigger to my ex’s use as it’s sometimes to painful to reminded of what you have lost, or the hurt you have caused. She could be trying to push you away intentionally as she may know she’s only going to hurt you in the future by relapsing I could be wrong. I have heard of people in rehab turning against loved ones as it’s easier to blame them then take responsibility. Stay strong walk away, you haven’t any children together or no ties, it will hurt but times a healer.

[redfox20]

Morning hey, it’s never ending isn’t it sorry to hear it didn’t go well. If there is drink involved it never does end good especially with them they can’t help themselves or use any excuse to get on it. It sounds to me he’s angry because you won’t let your guard down fully and let him back home and rightly so! He’s thinks it’s fair to take it out on you and say hurtful things about you and your daughter, to deflect that he failed you. id pull away from him for now & have some space from and then decide what you want to do, i used to make rash decisions then change my mind or regret it I think things through more now and it does help. I wouldn’t be around him when he’s drinking maybe set that boundary to that he’s not allowed around you drinking at all as hes nasty with what he says to you. He knows he’s lucky to have you all and he’s more annoyed at himself for letting you all down so it’s easier to say hurtful things then admit that. My ex turned up yesterday too all was nice & pleasant he got the boy trainers sent me £20 for him to buy stuff on fortnite he loves that game lol. He mentioned about taking us all to Margate beach Saturday I said we have plans but will think about it let him know. We did the cake and he sent me money to get me and kids McDonald’s as he was eating dinner with he’s mum apparently. Well he leaves mine, he’s mum video calls nearly an hour later boys ask her where’s daddy, daddy’s not here so it’s obvious what he was up to he obviously had money as he’s mum said and she don’t see him when he does, he only just came out of a bad comedown then did it again last night it makes no sense I didn’t call or text him tell him about himself last night but gonna call him today and talk to him about it and say I won’t play happy families with him or go out altogether until he does something about stopping or getting help cant have your cake an eat it! I don’t know when will they learn I think he’s taking advantage of my kindness I was only pleasant yesterday because it was my boys bday and I think that’s the only reason he got in touch. I’m getting fed up of it too now! But gonna keep my cool and tell him straight that he’s not gonna pick kids up and drop them when it suits him! Hope you’re okay try not let it get to you take your mind of him it will do you the world of good xx

[redfox20]

Hi there hope you’re okay. Personally he sounds like he’s addicted but in serious denial. If you have issued serious ultimatums and he’s still stayed out that’s a red flag as addicts will choose the drug over their family partners children jobs everything, it comes out on top and they can only stop if they want to you cannot force them. They also don’t have to use every day to be an addict if they can’t or won’t stop they are addicted, it’s out of their control. He sounds like he isn’t able to as he uses all night long and binging like that tends to lead into being dependent on it. My ex started out the same way now we’re not together me leaving with the kids wasn’t enough he’s still using. Our newborn daughter after two boys wasn’t enough. I would sit him down tell him how you feel and to prove he can stop if he makes excuses to go out doesn’t come home or goes and gets on it without asking you then he’s got a problem. Hope this helps I like you asked this question over a year ago i am much further in now I wish I could say it gets easier but protect yourself have boundaries and don’t enable him. Hope you’re okay xx

[redfox20]

Hi Dan, He just completely shuts down on a comedown now is quiet doesn’t say much & is very low in himself this is what hes mum tells me he lives with her. He doesn’t get in touch with me when he does it’s sorry ain’t been in touch ain’t been to good yet he still goes back to it.

[redfox20]

Hey, I’m good thank you hope you’re okay! I could of literally wrote everything in that you just put there it’s crazy! I’m seeing him later too he’s dropping presents off and wants to wish our boy happy birthday. He messaged this morning said sorry he’s not been in touch as he’s not been to good and asked how we all were. I’m the same just pleasant now I don’t react or get angry anymore as I don’t think it helps them. I have never enabled him or lent money or lie for him, It’s he’s problem not mine, and like you i like to remind him of what he has got and hope that he will change and come back to us. I can totally relate to feeling scared i would get bad anxiety being around him when he was back here before may it’s the uncertainty I think not knowing when the next relapse is coming. I’m petrified of letting him come back home I’ve been tempted at times but it won’t change nothing he needs to be clean for anything in he’s life to go well not just for us but mainly himself. And yeah he always had a way of sorting things out or coming through but this has broken him, I just hope they both break the cycle one day and we can come on here with positive stories and hope for others! He’s having a lovely day thank you! Xx

[redfox20]

Hey that’s okay! I think it is the addiction that keeps them away it does isolate them partly as they feel ashamed not good enough etc. When my ex isn’t using he’s in touch and seems normal when I’m in hes presence. The only way I can describe it is like Jekyll and Hyde they are two people themselves and the addict. He has definitely been more distant now he don’t live with me but he’s drug use has got more excessive so that’s probably why to. It’s so hard what to think your best to try and speak to him I did when he was sober he seems to know the pain he’s causing us all and said it’s got out of hand but he went back to it and that’s why I think he’s staying away right now he knows it hurts us. He mentioned before that he stayed away because he let us down. I think they are a lot harder on themselves than we think and hurt a lot more than we know but they numb it with drugs. I wouldn’t take anything personal that he does or says to you, it’s likely the addict talking. What I find helps is I only communicate with him when he gets in touch with me that way I don’t get upset if he ignores me and also I know he’s ready to talk in right mind etc or sober. I’m doing okay getting there mentally just trying to accept it all now and try and move on and hold onto hope all I can do hope your okay too! Xx

[redfox20]

Hi Dan sorry to jump in on this can i ask when you relapsed in the past did you cut off from people you hurt or you’re partner my ex relapsed last week hasn’t been in touch or read my message I sent him. Thanks again for your insight x

[redfox20]

Yeah it’s a tough one you don’t want to hurt her & leading her on isn’t good either you already know this as you go back and forth with it already. I hope you can sort it out and stay civil with her for your child. We never know what can happen in life but we can control our own happiness and outcomes by making good choices and drugs don’t allow this as you well know. And yeah it’s an escape I get that different people have different reasons as to why they use etc my ex says boredom but I think he’s not addressing the real reason. Hope you’re okay mate!

[redfox20]

Hey, I’m okay thank you haven’t heard a thing from him since last Tuesday when he relapsed. It’s our boys birthday tomorrow so he may get in touch who knows but I honestly don’t care we are gonna have a good day regardless! He’s probably spent all he’s money now feels guilty as he said he would get our boy some trainers. He gets bad depression after he uses now coz of what he’s doing letting himself and everyone down I know it affects him coz he is a decent person deep down. It he’s weekend this week to have kids so he may or may not get in touch if he doesn’t then he’s walked away and honestly it’s hard but I’m used to doing it all on my own now. I would of walked away if we didn’t have kids, don’t get me wrong I still love him but he needs to sort he’s life out! I don’t try for the kids that’s up to him to get in touch to see them if he doesn’t well then he looks bad not me. Yeah it’s a vicious circle alright! He isn’t horrible but just so distant he just doesn’t get in touch or ignores me after he relapses or uses. I asked he’s mum how things are she just said he’s been home all the time it had only been two days though lol. I think he’s just not in a great place at the moment he realises what he’s lost but can’t stop himself, I’m hoping he gets help soon and doesn’t let it continue. I think doing well is a trigger too they think it won’t hurt but they can’t just have a drink and a few lines it doesn’t work that way it’s a binge go missing for a day or two then return I’m just glad he’s not using my place as a hotel now! I feel sorry for hes mum but she could do more if that was my son I’d keep pushing that he needs help and be on he’s case she just lets him sleep all day and doesn’t ask him anything. I don’t know mentally I’m better ive just accepted the situation as it is now which is shit but it’s my reality all I can do like yourself is just keep strong and be the best person and mother I can be and hope that he sorts himself out one day! I feel like their mums blame us to they think we mess with their heads make them worse when it’s them she told me I shouldnt tell him that if he’s clean for so long he can come home she said that don’t help it’s pressure well it’s motivating in my eyes and better than saying nothing. I’m just gonna back away from them both let them sort hes mess out if he ever does! How you doing? Hope your okay X

[redfox20]

It is hard it’s a vicious cycle with drugs, but the only way to stop it is to get professional help some can quit on their own but not many can. Of course this has to be when your ready to do it. I think everything is a little overwhelming for you at the moment and drugs don’t help with this either as you will struggle then need to use. It sounds like you have realised what you have missed with your ex and have a lot of regret. You rushed into this new relationship a rebound type of thing and that’s totally normal but it’s all got out of hand. I would sit down tell her how you feel maybe take some time alone and concentrate on yourself for a while.

[redfox20]

Hi I totally get that that’s why most people who struggle with drugs do I suppose coz they won’t ask for help. Can I ask what do you think is stopping you from doing that? I think you will feel closer to her as she’s given birth to your child but as a woman she may get even closer to you as you both share a child. I’d do it beforehand let her get her head round it and calm down before baby is born. I think it would be wise to seek that help mate as it’s the cause of all your problems and it will be hard but it gets easier and your life will be so much better. No worries hope it helped somewhat.

[redfox20]

Alright mate, wow you have got into a bit of a mess there haven’t you. Firstly if you have realised you have got a problem go get some professional help to get off the drugs. This will help your mental state and help you make sound decisions about your life going forward. I think honesty is the best way forward here I think leaving her when the baby is born is not the way to do it. Whether she’s who you like or love or not it’s just not fair to do it that way, be there for your child if you can but I’d tell her before then how you feel. With your ex that will take time you have hurt her a lot you know this but again it comes back to you being clean as that it what caused this chain of events in the first place. Hope this helped.

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