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Hi Lauren, what a story and what a journey you have been through. You’re incredibly strong to have come out the other side and putting you and your children first, they are lucky to have you. You’ve done the right thing by walking away your mental health & well-being is paramount especially as a parent this was the main reason i walked away too. Stay strong, & good luck with the birth of your son. You’ve got this x
Hiya, had a better day today after a tough couple days. My mum and two sisters came over to see me and the kids which was lovely they brought some chocolate and flowers too for me just the little pick me up I needed. I heard from my ex today I find if I leave it he does eventually make the effort and get in touch he’s taking boys to get haircuts sunday now he also asked me if I needed some money and said he only had a certain amount himself & could give me half of that or wait until he gets paid more money until next Friday & he will sort me out a fair bit. I don’t know if this is him trying to show me he’s being sensible and keeping a certain amount for himself without wasting it who knows. It was nice to hear from him I’m keeping strong and until I see changes will I give him time of day again. I have thought that too should I just accept it and let him have he’s time to go out get it out he’s system he’s honestly perfect for me other than that problem when we’re together, but we’ve tried that & it always ends up being more times and he starts to take the piss then we argue they can’t do anything in moderation hence why they have a problem. It all comes down to hes will to change and communicating better. What upset me more when he relapsed was that he couldn’t just be honest that hurt more than him doing the cocaine itself. I think I pulled away from dabbling with cocaine because it was getting too much for him and didn’t want to encourage it. I thought me stopping would make him stop it didn’t work. Yeah coming on here helps watching YouTube videos knowledge is power I mean they may not be narcissistic but if they are we are prepared ???? I have thought about doing al anon zoom calls for families of addicts as this place really helps me on here so talking to people face to face could really make all the difference not feeling alone and venting to them instead of my mum gives her a break too! So sorry to hear he left in lockdown what a time to leave you eh we we’re together in the first one but he was drinking 3 or more times a week so it wasn’t good. I may get a note book and start writing things down who knows one day I may show him it only then would they get a real insight to the pain we have gone through. That’s all we can do whatever gets us through the day I take each day as it comes now and I’m trying not to overthink things but it’s hard sometimes. Nothing wrong with an age gap, go on girl I say haha. How long have you been together, my ex is 31 nearly 32, we were together 10 years this year ????. X
Hi Dan thanks for replying. You have cleared that up for me so thank you. I know it’s only the person who can change no amount of ultimatums or threats will work. Do you think the best thing for a partner is to walk away as someone who’s suffered with addiction is that more helpful to you? Or is support what you need? Also about the cheating I have dabbled in coke myself and although you get horny I couldn’t cheat on someone if I really loved them do you feel that maybe you didn’t hence why or that the cocaine really messed with your head? Thanks again for your insight on here you’ve no idea how you help us all.
Hey, how have you been? I’ve took a bit of a dip last couple days just heartbroken and find it hard to accept we’re not together anymore. We’ve had problems in the relationship last couple years with COVID & him running off to use. I am thinking maybe he wanted to leave but was too coward and hoped id cut him off over the drugs one day, who knows the mind is awful some days im fine others I feel so lost without him. I haven’t heard from him since Sunday we only speak about kids that’s it he mentioned he would take our youngest boy who’s 2 to get a haircut haven’t heard yet so he’s either working or sorting returning he’s finance car or getting on it who knows. I too dabbled and we went out together regularly in our 20s im 30 now an as the years went on & more kids i pulled away from it, it’s not clever never ends well whether you get addicted or not you waste money getting on it then feel like shit the next day with kids too it’s not fair on them I stopped in 2017 then he got worse and doing it more frequently I could see it and told him calm down then he started hiding it from me. I have no idea how often, i know where he goes to get it the area but not there door number it’s not even 5 mins from me, i know he can go some time without it but now he’s not here I don’t know how often and he won’t tell me obviously. Can I ask does your one communicate at all or only when he’s on it he couldn’t sing my praises enough then and tell me how lucky he is to have me. My ex is so bad at communicating I don’t know how he feels at all he tells no one either not even he’s mum. Also have you split in the past if so who initiated sorting things out? It’s always been me and can’t help but think I just prolonged the inevitable xx
*Meant to say he’s still not able to stop
Guns and a backside haha ????
Hi, I do exactly the same thing rack my brains for questions or think of things and immediately google it I don’t know it that’s making things worse because as you know it’s all doom and gloom online very rarely happy endings. I think my ex has a drug dependence not an addiction the two are very similar able to stop two weeks is hes limit though from when he was with me and trying to stop. We split up in may after 7 weeks he relapsed had no job but as soon as he got money again literally the same day he went and got it I was so angry looking back I probably could of calmed down not ended things so abruptly a part of me thinks did he want to end but this was the only thing causing problems I know I haven’t done anything wrong apart from stand beside him my mental health was so bad after I had my daughter I had to end things for my sanity it really scared me. I don’t think he will ever understand what he’s done to me, it’s a nightmare! I am the same but I think why do I want him to want me I ain’t the problem and neither are you! They are they know we are decent women who take good care of their kids it’s them with the issues and we deserve so much better! My little girl is 4 months so not far behind yours ???? where are you from im from east London xx
Hi, our stories are so similar it’s crazy cocaine has always been in our relationship got worse before the first lockdown too then just spiralled after that. I have been trying to read up if he’s a narcissist I think addicts do have narcissistic qualities as they are very similar no empathy selfish no remorse. I have been reading up on it too how mad do you do a lot of research I do it’s me trying to make sense of it all I suppose. I saw my ex yesterday he took our two sons as it was he’s weekend he picks our daughter up Sunday for the day as she’s too little for overnights just yet. He yet again said he had no money to give for the children he’s car insurance came out of he’s bank and he paid to take the kids out Saturday to see dinosaurs. How true this is I don’t know, he took boys to see them sent me pictures which was nice of him I suppose. He has cards for my other son for hes bday we still haven’t got he’s mum gave them to him for my son, I said have you taken the money out of them he said too you sound like my mother so she is questioning him he says they was in car first off then he forgot now they are now in bags as he cleared car out he’s told me he is surrendering he’s finance vehicle back to the company he hasn’t made a single payment for it hasn’t had much work and what money he has had well you know.. it’s sensible I’m hoping he’s getting things in order or trying to sort he’s life out but then again he may want more money to use without paying for car insurance, so could go either way. Im exactly the same I do miss him but I know that I cannot back down and go back to him, I will only go back after seeing he is clean for at least 6 months to a year. I won’t tell him this which makes it worse too coz I don’t know how he feels I ended things but he hasn’t begged nor asked me or said anything about us nor have i, I know it will take time and he knows I wouldn’t listen to what he has to say I want actions not words ive told him this but still would be nice to know he misses me I’m sure he does but like me he’s hiding it very well. I do have hope we are good apart from that we’ve known each other since I was 14, we’ve overcome so many obstacles but can’t get over this it’s so upsetting! But only he can change and if he doesn’t well then he’s no good for me and I’m better off alone this is how I cope with it right now he’s there for the kids so that’s good he said he will take our youngest boy for a haircut in the week but whatever he says I don’t cling on to I just say okay and don’t get surprised when he doesn’t when it comes to the kids though he hasn’t let them down only once and I went mental at him and reminded him of when he was a little boy and he’s dad often left him waiting and didn’t show. I know I feel lost without him but as days are getting on it’s getting easier I’m getting use to it and thats scaring me too because it feels so final, but as i mentioned before you never know what can happen in the future so fingers crossed for the both of us. When was the last time you saw or heard from him? X
Hi there, it’s such an awful situation your stuck between a rock and a hard place. He’s very lucky to have you and he’s father managing he’s finances, it’s good he’s allowing you to do this. I would take him food now and again but would make it very clear it’s not going to be a weekly thing unfortunately it is enabling as anyway they can carry on the addiction without the consequences they will do. Unfortunately until he sees the damage or consequences for himself he will unlikely want to change.
*Try not look to the future
I thought exactly the same when I heard it I wonder to myself I wonder if he’s heard in on the car radio if he’s resonated with it I mean what addict wouldn’t? X
Hi you will have good and bad days try to to look to the future no one knows what will happen. Don’t give up hope but don’t expect anything either it’s the best way, focus on you and heal don’t back down or feel sorry for him, if he wants to change he will if he doesn’t you’re better off rid of him I know you love him I still love my ex but I love me more and I’m putting me first and my kids of course they are my main motivation reason to get up in the mornings on my bad days. We all want the happy ending but we have to create our own sometimes and just go with trust that time will help cliche I know stick to no contact that will protect you and your mental health. Only speak to him if he initiates anything or asks about he’s daughter nothing else, the less contact the better cut him off and hopefully he sees sense and finds a way to be there for you if he doesn’t there is nothing wrong you nor your beautiful baby girl can change never feel to blame for leaving you have one life live it! It will take time if he’s going to change and things may get much worse than better but at least you’re not around stuck in the cycle with him you’re free and you’re putting your needs first which is all you can do with an addict unfortunately. X
It really is hard Paul but I promise you once you pull away it will be hard at first you will get good and bad days you will go go back and forth with your decision but in time you will heal and you will be happy again for you, make your own happiness. In time you will heal and hopefully find someone who truly loves you and appreciates you. Mentally she has a lot on cocaine makes the sanest person mentally ill so with her mental health problems i can imagine she feels scared there is no medication detox for cocaine only therapy mainly cbt it’s all in the mind and having the will to stop.
I would let her face the consequences and phone in herself as enabling doesn’t help I know you’re a nice guy and that’s what you want to do is help but she needs to face reality of what she’s doing. Will she work from home is she able she sounds in a bad way does she suffer from anxiety?
There is when they have reached their deepest and darkest despair then they will reach out, some don’t and sadly death is the only way out. Rock bottom is different for all addicts some don’t have a rock bottom. Gp is best place to start but many do it without help or use AA or CA. I genuinely think they keep you away to not hurt you even though as we all know on here it causes more pain as we love them. My ex said before I kept away from you and the kids because I was no use to you all and I let you down. This was when he was drinking may I add so maybe they so open up more when under the influence but communicating is key to recovery and getting help so if they lack that it’s just a vicious cycle. We are powerless only they can change it took me a long time to accept this.