[redfox20]

They do this because there are ashamed because of the hurt they have caused us that’s what I think it’s not personal to us it’s them. They want to hide the destruction and chaos their lives have now become.

[redfox20]

Oh hun so sorry to read this he’s being a complete asshole and rubbing it in right in front of you! Shame on him, you may need to get tougher set boundaries as they don’t like it when it when you do this tell him you will fetch any belongings of he’s but he is not to step foot in your house. Don’t play into the mind games he’s deliberately going out of he’s way to upset you as your seeing him for what he is now. Keep your guard up at all times when you speak to him remember he’s the not the same person say no to he’s demands wherever reasonable and show no emotion towards him as that why he will wonder if he’s still getting under your skin or why your not showing anything towards him. I promise you will have bad and good days but one day we won’t be bothered about what they are doing he’s not happy it’s a front the put on to convince themselves and others around they are not at fault but you know and he knows that what’s important. Keep strong he’s a fool to have lost you, and doesn’t deserve you! Sending hugs I find getting out in the sunshine with the kids leaving my phone in my bag and just being with them helps take my mind off it when I’m having bad days Xx

[redfox20]

Also they push you away to hide the addiction from you too, it’s mostly shame as they do feel it as that’s why they use to escape it. Any decent person wouldn’t associate with them so they lose friends and only keep people in their lives that enable or use with, their circles will get smaller and smaller until they are using alone and everyday and that’s when they may or take a look at themselves.

[redfox20]

Hi thank you, it’s such a horrible situation to be in isn’t it it’s a living nightmare. I saw the progression of the addiction so it’s not been that much of a shock what has shocked me is the change in him he’s morals responsibilities all out the window along with he’s bills and everything else they only care about one thing the cocaine. It must of been such a shock to you to finally realise what was the reason for hes strange behaviour and disappearances a lot of people feel that they may be cheated on when they suddenly disappear I think at times that would be far easier to live and deal with and move on from. They do create a new life filled with people that enable or use with them or who they need they will never find genuine friendships or love like they had with us, that’s their karma. I think you have the answers in front of you I think we look for answers in hope it will change or fix things and sadly only they can change I’m learning not to react to him anymore and play into he’s hands as that annoys him more. Also trying to help doesn’t work as you may well know they only use you and push you away if you try tell them what to do. It’s a sad life I wouldn’t want to live it. X

[redfox20]

Hi Paul you sound like a lovely man and she is very lucky to have you and doesn’t deserve you. It really takes it out of you mentally doesn’t it like the addiction your mind progresses too that’s one of the main reasons I left for my sanity it scared me I was getting brain fog due to the stress of it all. That really is the hardest part seeing them when they appear normal but you know they really ain’t deep down it’s such a awful situation to be in I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

[redfox20]

Yeah people do get fed up with you it’s hard not to argue with them too as you feel so frustrated and no one can make it better nor give you the answers they just say forget about it and accept it not so easy when you have spent years with this person who you feel you don’t even recognise anymore. I too did my pregnancy alone our first daughter she was so wanted and we spoke about her for years and hoping we would have a girl together as he’s first daughter he doesn’t see he’s ex doesn’t let him even before the drug problems. All he did was cause me stress through my pregnancy apologised by text but never seemed remorseful really, it just felt like sorry was just a word in the end, he very nearly wasn’t at the birth as he disappeared 6 days before my c section he messaged said about it what I was doing if we were both going being the nice person I am I didn’t deny him it made the situation not the same as before my anxiety was through the roof as he wasn’t my protector anymore & it felt like it was just me meeting my beautiful girl, you get so annoyed looking at their little faces thinking of how someone could do this with someone so precious in their lives and not care I’ll never understand it. I won’t send pics or videos he made the choice to miss out he doesn’t even ask how any of them are I’m a nice person quite reasonable so it’s he’s issue as to why he doesn’t get in touch it’s clearly coz he’s one thing on he’s mind. It does help getting it out on here even writing it down anything to not vent at them because that would be like talking to a brick wall. Wish we could all have a WhatsApp group it would be our very own therapy lol x

[redfox20]

Hi Paul, sorry to hear of your situation. I think at times when they are coming off the drugs the “come down” they do feel shame remorse and embarrassment some change their ways depending on how bad it is or how they feel. But they sure can manipulate and lie too so it’s hard what to believe I think in your case and in anyone’s actions speak louder than words and they need to change and prove it. I’d move away on your own find peace then see what she does if she changes then brilliant if not you know you have done the right thing.

[redfox20]

Last year we’ve had problems been split since may this year so two months x

[redfox20]

I’m glad you are focusing on yourself it’s so important, I never knew in the beginning how bad it would break me and just how bad my anxiety would get before I cut him off completely and ended the relationship, it’s been nearly a year since it became obvious that even if he wanted to stop coke he can’t he has to have it despite the consequences I wouldn’t say he’s an addict but he’s certainly dependent that’s for sure he’s lost jobs though got into debt. Before this like yourselves we went on holidays he never let me pay for a thing always treated us to a better life and bought me luxuries and truly made me feel loved content and happy like yours though he has he’s demons mentally that’s why they turn to it unfortunately as they numb the pain. It completely changes them to a point they will lie to your face and cause you so much emotional pain and show no remorse it’s hard to disconnect the two the person before and the person now but I have to i get to upset thinking about the past and what the future could of been I just know me and the kids deserve better we don’t need the upset of worrying about if he goes out will he come home if he goes work will he come back. One time he went and got the weekly food shop left it outside my door then text im sorry I’ve fucked up the disappointment anxiety and anger I felt was unreal. I don’t understand it and never will I can only educate myself which is what helps me with dealing with he’s personality now I don’t expect much either best that way oh & I never believe a word he says. I haven’t moved on but I’m trying to I don’t know if I will trust another man again it will take a long time mentally to date again or get with someone but right now that’s the last thing on my mind. Just myself and the children are what matters he had he’s chances and unfortunately blew them. I don’t have friends my mum is a great support but she’s sick of hearing about him now tbh so I come on here read stories help others sometimes vent and it does help hope getting things off your chest helped lightened the load a little. X

[redfox20]

Hi there my situation is so similar to yours I could if written it myself but I’m 10 years In 3 children and not long had my first baby girl 4 months ago my pregnant was hell he abandoned me countless times to go use and it resulted in me getting such awful anxiety that became worse after she was born. I’ve now cut off I only see him fortnightly to see children it’s been one weekend so far he is hot then cold and plays mind games I think it’s because I’ve got myself out of the situation and he’s miserable hence trying to drag me into it. I have felt exactly the same I’ve tried to help him felt sorry for him thought of the man he was before and I will tell you this will only make you feel more pain in the long run as being addicted to cocaine they don’t care only act as they do they think of themselves only, do you feel you’re putting all the effort in with him seeing you’re daughter? Is he a good father despite not paying for her my ex is a good father when he’s with them but acts like he couldn’t care less when he’s not. My best advice for your sanity is concentrate on you and your daughter let him worry about himself and you concentrate on you. If you don’t want to be in the relationship that’s fine too you can walk away put yourself first as if you stay sadly it will only get worse. If you want to chat I check in here most days, take care you are not alone x

[redfox20]

Hi Danman, thank you for getting back to me and explaining it so clearly. Do triggers result in cravings or do you get cravings anytime without any necessary reason too? I totally understand it’s difficult and we wouldn’t as non addicts ever fully understand what it’s like we can only learn and educate ourselves. What hurts me is how he doesn’t think of the consequences I mean do you or does the addictive brain override it at the time of making the decision to use.

[redfox20]

Hi Danman how would you describe the cravings if you don’t mind me asking? I have asked my ex he said it’s not a voice it’s him doing it telling himself I find that aspect hard to understand I know they are powerful but would like to hear you honest opinion on it thanks.

[redfox20]

Hi there are you sure he doesn’t have a drug problem? I mean infidelity could be the reason.

[redfox20]

Hi thanks for replying back to my post, nice to know someone can relate to the dependency side of things rather than addiction, I have read stories on here and thought he hasnt done that or isn’t that way but either way as you said it hurts when they choose to do that whether you like it or allow it or not. My ex used for years and paid he’s bills etc but once the thought of having a few got in he’s head ie going pub then he would get cocaine too and honestly whether I agreed or not or made it clear that I wasn’t happy he was out drinking while I was left with the kids that was my problem at first me not getting a break and him having the freedom to pop in or out to have a few beers which it never was a few beers. It does get worse my ex did in the first lockdown I think that’s what has made him even more dependent where he’s not paying bills but he’s work hasn’t been great for a year now really and things have built up he has a car on finance they could repo at any point. We no longer live together because he relapsed after not doing it for 7 weeks but didn’t tell me and lied to my face, plus my mental health was taking a hit. I would say get some boundaries to protect yourself it’s so important especially for your mental health the more you help I feel the more they will go against you that’s been the case for me. Do you not like him doing it at all or just not around you? Based on how you feel that should help with setting and sticking to boundaries. Hope this helps feel free to message me I check on here regularly. X

[redfox20]

Hi Christinag, I could of written what you wrote myself, I too 6 weeks ago now went doctors for bloods and had brain fog. I too have an ex who is a cocaine addict at this time he was 7 weeks clean and like yourself my body was on high alert waiting for a relapse, we were getting on so well though at the time and our daughter was only 6 weeks old. He too not even a week later relapsed I think our bodies have a clever way of not letting us put our guard down even when we try to it’s naturally on high alert my bloods came back normal. After he’s relapse I ended the relationship and told him I can’t carry on no more, he hasn’t got he’s clothes only gave me £60 for the children and has ignored my last message 2 weeks ago regarding he’s belongings and paying child maintenance. You are definitely doing the right thing by protecting yourself and detaching from him he has said some hurtful things to you, my ex isn’t this way at all he’s very distant cold and doesn’t communicate at all. I hope with your friend coming he realises for your sake has to leave. It is awful being the loved ones as we have no escape, but we do we can escape from them a lead a normal worry free happy life, wishing you all the best! Xx

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