[regdavmab]

Your post has really affected me. I am so so sorry, you are incredibly strong. I thought I was going to lose my 41 year old partner the same way last year, he refused hospital but accepted private rehab my parents paid for that I’m paying back. A few months after coming out he started drinking again, not as much but enough to cause health issues that affect his normal day to day life now. I feel he is so selfish. I’m trying to get him to stop again but he is struggling to even cut down. I wish you and your son a truly happy life, you did everything you could and are an amazing person

[regdavmab]

Hi both

Hope you’re doing ok.

My partner has been drinking for as long as I’ve known him. A functioning alcoholic but no one really said anything because it was ‘normal’ for him. I obviously enabled without even realising. It was just a regular part of his life. But an expensive part. And the drink turned into something to ‘chill him out’. Over a month ago he became extremely ill. His tolerance reduced to nothing which was shocking as usually you couldn’t even tell he’d had a drink. So to be honest it’s bizarre and strange how he’s all of a sudden become so unwell. Maybe it was just his body saying enough is enough. He couldn’t walk, couldn’t eat, couldn’t go to the toilet, had a fever, stomach pains, hand spasms, couldn’t speak and so on. I was terrified. Managed to force him to the hospital. They discharged him the next day and said to carry on drinking but decrease gradually and wait for the alcohol service to get in touch. Useless. A week later I swear he almost died and when I contacted the GP at my wits end he said actually he shouldn’t have been discharged and told to drink as he is high risk of liver failure. The stress was unbelievable, I don’t know how I’ve been coping. I had no choice but to get him into private rehab because in his poisoned delirious state he refused hospital again saying they wouldn’t help him and just send him away. If I hadn’t got him in (borrowed money) I don’t know if he’d have been here. He will be out next week and will have done two weeks. He is detoxed and sounds much better, he’s eating and walking around a lot, showering etc., which is the main thing. But I dropped some bits off two days ago and was horrified to discover his skin and eyes had turned completely yellow. I hid my shock and upset for his sake. I have been told repeatedly he’s in the best place as of course stopping drinking is the first step. Over the last year his drinking increased up to a litre of vodka a day. He’s only 41. He has an urgent liver scan when he gets out and I am sick with worry. I don’t know what that will reveal and I don’t want to. Please get in touch with your local alcohol service (GP referral). They may be able to provide an inpatient detox where it is taken out of your hands and they also help with safe decreasing. My partner unfortunately only got help when he was at death’s door and like I said who knows what the outcome will be of the scan. He may not have got any help if I hadn’t have found the money which doesn’t bear thinking about. I’ve already tried to get some things in place for afterwards like an AA sponsor, alcohol service appointment where they will provide craving meds, obviously the scan (over a month wait even for urgent ones but we luckily got a cancellation), and a general GP appointment. I’m also going to contact the local carers service as the worry I’m experiencing is overwhelming, I can’t sleep or eat. Please know you aren’t alone. There is comfort and advice out there. If you let me know your area I’d be happy to source some info for you. This is all new to me as well. It isn’t acceptable for us to just be ok with it and put up with the anguish and worry and heartache. Now when I look back I realise before this happened it wasn’t alright, there were things in our relationship and his life that were being affected by alcohol. I understand how you must feel when the GP say they can’t help if the person isn’t willing. It’s so frustrating and heartbreaking. No matter what I said to my partner about how he urgently needed care he said no one would help and I just had to watch him fading away. When I explained what rehab would do he agreed but who can afford private rehab! It’s going to take me a long time to pay the money back. I obviously know that this is just the start, rehab is the easy part. Please keep reaching out, it does help.

[regdavmab]

Hi all

Hope you’re doing ok.

My partner has been drinking for as long as I’ve known him. A functioning alcoholic but no one really said anything because it was ‘normal’ for him. I obviously enabled without even realising. It was just a regular part of his life. But an expensive part. And the drink turned into something to ‘chill him out’. Over a month ago he became extremely ill. His tolerance reduced to nothing which was shocking as usually you couldn’t even tell he’d had a drink. So to be honest it’s bizarre and strange how he’s all of a sudden become so unwell. Maybe it was just his body saying enough is enough. He couldn’t walk, couldn’t eat, couldn’t go to the toilet, had a fever, stomach pains, hand spasms, couldn’t speak and so on. I was terrified. Managed to force him to the hospital. They discharged him the next day and said to carry on drinking but decrease gradually and wait for the alcohol service to get in touch. Useless. A week later I swear he almost died and when I contacted the GP at my wits end he said actually he shouldn’t have been discharged and told to drink as he is high risk of liver failure. The stress was unbelievable, I don’t know how I’ve been coping. I had no choice but to get him into private rehab because in his poisoned delirious state he refused hospital again saying they wouldn’t help him and just send him away. If I hadn’t got him in (borrowed money) I don’t know if he’d have been here. He will be out next week and will have done two weeks. He is detoxed and sounds much better, he’s eating and walking around a lot, showering etc., which is the main thing. But I dropped some bits off two days ago and was horrified to discover his skin and eyes had turned completely yellow. I hid my shock and upset for his sake. I have been told repeatedly he’s in the best place as of course stopping drinking is the first step. Over the last year his drinking increased up to a litre of vodka a day. He’s only 41. He has an urgent liver scan when he gets out and I am sick with worry. I don’t know what that will reveal and I don’t want to. Please get in touch with your local alcohol service (GP referral). They may be able to provide an inpatient detox where it is taken out of your hands and they also help with safe decreasing. My partner unfortunately only got help when he was at death’s door and like I said who knows what the outcome will be of the scan. He may not have got any help if I hadn’t have found the money which doesn’t bear thinking about. I’ve already tried to get some things in place for afterwards like an AA sponsor, alcohol service appointment where they will provide craving meds, obviously the scan (over a month wait even for urgent ones but we luckily got a cancellation), and a general GP appointment. I’m also going to contact the local carers service as the worry I’m experiencing is overwhelming, I can’t sleep or eat. Please know you aren’t alone. There is comfort and advice out there. If you let me know your area I’d be happy to source some info for you. This is all new to me as well. It isn’t acceptable for us to just be ok with it and put up with the anguish and worry and heartache. Now when I look back I realise before this happened it wasn’t alright, there were things in our relationship and his life that were being affected by alcohol. I understand how you must feel when the GP say they can’t help if the person isn’t willing. It’s so frustrating and heartbreaking. No matter what I said to my partner about how he urgently needed care he said no one would help and I just had to watch him fading away. When I explained what rehab would do he agreed but who can afford private rehab! It’s going to take me a long time to pay the money back. I obviously know that this is just the start, rehab is the easy part. Please keep reaching out, it does help.

[regdavmab]

Excellent. I’ve also managed to book the liver scan for the day after he comes out as there was a cancellation. Otherwise he would be waiting a month as even urgent scans are taking weeks at the moment. Thanks so much for listening

[regdavmab]

Wise words thank you. I’ve just contacted AA. They said when he gets out he can call them and they can put him in touch with someone local (like a sponsor) who will also fill him in on information about meetings etc. which he is definitely willing to try so that’s a step in the right direction. Thanks again for your time 🙂

[regdavmab]

I’ve just realised you responded to my very first post on here! Thank you, hope I didn’t confuse you by starting a new post 🙂

[regdavmab]

Hi again.

Thank you for taking time to reply, I really appreciate it.

I didn’t sleep last night with worry because of my partner’s ‘symptoms’. I am of course thinking worse case, literally the worst thing you could think of in this situation because of what’s physically happening to him. And Google is the devil. I can’t imagine how you must have been feeling. Thankfully my partner hasn’t been doing anything like that. The anxiety is crippling. I couldn’t even eat a McDonald’s last night 😉 Humour keeps me slightly more sane…

I have a feeling that although he is telling me he doesn’t want to die so therefore will never drink again, he doesn’t understand that he is seriously unwell and to get back to ‘normal’ could take a considerable amount of time. His words were ‘I just want to be the old me again right now’ (he’s 6’2 and usually fit), because after 7 laps of walking round the garden the nurse told him to take it easy. He said what if he needs to be operated on which shows me he’s scared but again doesn’t get that if it is that serious it isn’t as simple as that. I of course haven’t said that to him. It’s heartbreaking and so worrying. His skin is apparently still yellow but getting better (not sure if that’s true), his hands are shaky and cramping up, he feels (and probably looks) bloated, his toilet patterns are all messed up and he just overall feels completely weak (but is able to move every day by walking around the gardens, showering, sitting in groups etc.). He isn’t a fan of the groups but is participating (well, attending) every day at least three times. He is a typical ‘matcho’ man who thinks a lot of the therapy isn’t geared towards him and I also think he’s worried about opening up completely about his childhood as he’s already recently done that with a counsellor which was really really tough. I mean I don’t know if it would help raking all that up again as he’s already visited it and not that long ago. His reaction isn’t to cry it’s to express it through anger and frustration (tears) which I think now he won’t be drinking he will need help with maybe medically. I’m unable to talk to the doctor at the clinic but the staff there have basically said he is in the right place (as you have reassured me thank you). My worry was should he be in a hospital but obviously the detox needs to happen first and foremost. I have a call with his GP tomorrow so will mention a couple of things as you’ve suggested including the jaundice. This urgent scan he’s meant to be having we still haven’t received correspondence for and that was almost three weeks ago so I will also ask the GP to assist with chasing that. I am terrified what the results of that will be. He’s only 41 and we are meant to be starting a family. He said he had a dream about drinking last night and can’t understand why all of a sudden this has happened. His tolerance was ridiculously high until last month (functioning alcoholic) when his body just started completely shutting down. It was very strange if I’m honest, almost just so sudden. But I assume that’s what happens?? You can’t drink like that forever. I was going to book him an appointment for the day after he comes out (next Thursday) with the GP so they can have a chat, and also with the local alcohol service who have said they may be able to help with craving meds and signposting to help groups. I think he may go for the AA groups as he mentioned it before he entered rehab but I don’t know how keen he is on talking about the past. He isn’t in denial about his problem as he has said he’s an alcoholic, but what he is saying is that he started drinking because he was a party boy and the ‘work’ he chose to do when he was younger to make money wasn’t exactly ‘kosher’ to say the least (obviously that was years ago), so he was always drinking and surrounded by it. So he’s saying his drinking problem is completely different to others that he’s hearing at the moment. I mean clearly in his twenties he chose to go down that ‘career’ path because of his childhood/parents and he does know that, but he seems to think other people in the clinic who are drinkers are just absolutely completely different. Plus he says they were drinking much less. My partner was a vodka drinker and most recently it was up to a litre a day which is just sickening to write.

I’m not even sure what I’m asking but I just appreciate being able to let it all out, again thank you so so much for just listening.

[regdavmab]

Thank you so much, I really appreciate the reply. After the hospital’s possible diagnosis my partner was told to go home and continue drinking but as we weren’t provided any discharge letter or information we didn’t know how serious the situation was. A week and a half later when he got even worse I begged him to go back but he refused saying they wouldn’t help him (he was obviously very disoriented too so there was no reasoning with him). So I made the decision to get him into rehab which he agreed to. It’s such a tough time, I am constantly on edge trying my hardest to refrain from googling everything which is just stupid, and I worry constantly. He comes out next Thursday as we could only afford two weeks but by then I should have appointments etc. in place. He knows he must never ever drink again. Thank you so much again.

[regdavmab]

Great advice, thank you

[regdavmab]

I am lucky I have my Mum who I’ve told. My partner doesn’t have much family and doesn’t want them to know as there are not many relationships there, his Mum knew he was in hospital but not much more than that. I’m just concerned what will happened from now until detox, I assume we just wait unless something bad happens and he needs the hospital. I do understand he can’t stop drinking immediately, completely. I just don’t know how long he can carry on drinking for. Do you know the rate of relapse? Thanks again, I don’t want to patronise you but honestly, 12 years! Fantastic

[regdavmab]

Thank you so so much for responding, I really appreciate it. And wow, 12 years! Amazing. Today wasn’t a good day. The Nurse called and explained detox isn’t a quick process especially as it sounds as though he needs inpatient detox. I am at my limit and physically my partner is too. He looks so unwell, can barely walk or open his eyes, is weak, slurs his words, problems with the toilet, I have to walk him to the bathroom, and now there are stomach pains. Most of this has been going on for a month. I wanted to take him to hospital but he got angry/upset and said they didn’t help last time just sent him home and told him to drink again. I’m shocked at how much his tolerance has changed since before a month ago, it almost makes no sense. You couldn’t even tell he’s had too much to drink before so this is all new to me and baffling. He has been reducing drinking as advised and it’s much more spaced out but this doesn’t seem to have helped at all and he’s getting worse. I of course worry which sounds like nagging and in turn he gets frustrated and angry so I made a decision to just leave it, back off, switch off and wait for the people to call back and let me know whats happening even though I think at any minute his body could give up, I just don’t know how much more it can take. He hasn’t left his bed for a month and I had to do the nurse assessment today over the phone because he couldn’t speak, I’m lucky they still went ahead. His GP is calling me tomorrow for a follow up about his hospital visit as he won’t even be capable of talking. I wonder if I explain how bad my partner is and how I can’t cope for much longer if he has any leverage on him becoming an inpatient more quickly…I’ve looked at the private cost and it’s just out of the question. I guess it’s a waiting game. Thanks so much again for listening

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