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And Jay, when all else fails, watch the Life of Brian .. works for me, laughter is always the best cure mate especially the stoning scene haha! Onwards and upwards always x
Hey Jay!
Thanks for your response. Fantastic you have full custody of your son and taking on the teaching role too … a gold star for you most definitely!
Yes, after 25 years you’d have thought my ex would be sick and tired of being sick and tired but a lot of his problem is to do with mental health issues now as well as the need to get well. He said it’s all about the whole ritual of scoring, the anticipation even the cooking up and as an IV user massively to do with the self-harming.
His brother was only 2 years older than him and they both caned the weed at a very young age. And yes, so true it was unbelievably disgusting of his brother but essentially they were both just kids with too much time on their hands. And therein lies the problem for many addicts to get off the gear and stay off it even after the physical withdrawals have passed – boredom and too much easy cash courtesy of the taxpayer! My ex had his housing paid for as well as receiving £1000 a month pocket money – no job and nothing to do all day but get high. The only exercise his arms achieved would be lifting up a strong brew beer to his mouth most of the day and multi tasking with the perpetual roll ups that when sufficiently ‘monged’ would end up peppering my floor in gay abandon – I always remember thinking that he would have benefitted from being blessed with a few more orifices so he could be hands free to bang up at the same time!
And I don’t blame him for what has happened to me as a result of staying with him for so long. What was wrong with me that made me stay? If he had been my child I could never have given up like so many mum’s on this site although I did constantly kick him out and like a little boomerang the little fu**er kept coming back! We did have a really good laugh together and underneath that mess is a very beautiful person. That being said, I think if he wants to come back to something close to the man he was supposed to be he needs to remain single until he sorts himself out. The pressure and expectations that straight people have (by straight I mean not on gear) with relationships is challenging enough but for my ex, aka nob head, even committing to mowing the lawn would result in his wellies being thrown over my fence into the neighbour’s garden.
Anyway, I’m okay Jay and before long I will be back to dancing in the kitchen with a glass (that’s optimistic) of red listening to cheesy music and wishing my ex all the very best in life. Hanging on to bitterness and anger is self-defeating and I’m better than that I do believe 🙂 I love the poem ‘If’ by Rudyard Kipling – I had it on my desk at work back in the day before I had kids and it’s fairly applicable now.
You hang on in there dad and if you need any advice … I’m your man! x
I’m so sorry Jay! I didn’t want to give you an identity crisis on top of what you are going through … need to go to Specsavers clearly! Yes, surplus to requirements puts it succinctly in a nutshell simply because of no more money and expecting to be paid back just a little for the thousands of pounds I had paid throughout the years keeping him well.
What really made you stop using would be my only question? I don’t believe in the rock bottom scenario because there is always another trap door that takes you lower into the abyss .. being homeless in the freezing cold without friends or family begging and desperate surely must be rock bottom. I know everyone is different and my ex has been doing IV gear for 25 years off and on but mostly on I would say – he lost his elder brother from a heroin overdose and it was his brother who got him into it by constantly telling him ‘don’t knock it until you’ve tried it’ and he was only 15 years old! He eventually succumbed and the rest is history.
May I call you Jay? I’m Sharon by the way and so sorry for that error haha x
And Ps kjs – you have to decide whether you have the strength to commit yourself to being with someone you will never fully trust for the rest of your time with him. Trust is absolutely paramount in any relationship and being with an active heroin addict or indeed a recovering one will always render you anxious and suspicious when they are late or not answering their phone even for genuine reasons not related to using.
It is a battle that you will both be fighting together and I did it for 5 years and truly regret not getting out sooner. I am not saying that it is not possible for them to get clean because it is and some go on to live fulfilling lives with partners and children too. However, I am no longer the person I was before I met my ex and it has changed my relationship with my friends and family. I should never have allowed my choice to remain in the chaos to impact on them because it was a battle I could never ever win. Your partner is the General and he is the only one who can change the course of events in this fight – nothing you do including throwing away his drugs will make any difference unless he wants to get clean.
I was a very strong and happy person before I met him and I was financially secure with lots of friends I saw regularly. Little by little you lose yourself with the constant suspicion, false hopes only to be let down, and mostly the God awful lies and you end up turning into a person you no longer recognise or want to be.
You need to decide if you can handle this situation and have the strength to put yourself through this journey with him. There is a reason why they tell recovering addicts to stay out of relationships until they have sorted themselves out first for at least a year clean. When you love someone deeply it is so hard to take a step back because you fear if you do their life will fall apart or worse die alone in some hell hole. I certainly became a co dependent each and every day allowing my life to become subject to the choices he made and never thinking about my needs and happiness. All my efforts and generosity both financially and emotionally were never appreciated and the lack of gratitude was sole destroying.
Having the strength to finally call it a day was the hardest thing I ever had to do but him kicking my front door in whilst in the throws of withdrawals was the final straw. I still miss him but I am slowly getting me back and the peace is absolutely wonderful 🙂
Remember the Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
Might not be word perfect but you’ll get the message there
I hope things get better for you x
Hi kjs
Just read your post – sorry to hear you’re going through this nightmare.
One thing you should bare in mind, if your partner is wanting to get help for his withdrawals from a drug help agency which I believe is CGL he will need to have heroin in his system for the test otherwise they will not prescribe him meth, subutex or suboxone. So he would have to use for this and isn’t lying.
Bloody ridiculous tbh so even if he had managed to stay clean but was suffering from withdrawals/mental cravings he would have to use gear in order to get on script!
In my experience, taking away gear from someone who is desperate to use can be a very dangerous thing to do although I completely understand your rage.
My ex partner is a heroin addict and is also on script with methadone. Sadly with meth, if they are not on enough addicts tend to do both and for him tapering down from heroin was frankly impossible. My ex is an IV heroin user and all I can say is at least your partner is still just smoking it – IV is a whole different ball game although my ex started by smoking it.
In my experience, getting angry or making them feel guilty only makes things worse even if you cannot help your natural reactions to the lies and secrecy. Like Jaynhissay has said as a recovering addict, what helped her was the ability to be able to talk to her mum and explain what was going through her mind when she so desperately craved the drug even if her mum didn’t really understand the pull. I guess just being able to talk to someone you trust without judgement, anger and ultimatums is a form of therapy for the addict and may be enough to distract them until the feeling passes.
All that being said, It depends on the individual and how genuinely they want to stop. I tried so hard to listen to my ex and he said it really helped but sometimes some of the things he did made me so bloody angry and hurt that I could not help but lose it! With addicts, their words very rarely mirror their actions – if he is genuine about wanting to get on script (which does help many users) then support him to get an appointment but he will have to have heroin in his system for this first meeting with the doctor. Also be aware, coming off of these replacement therapy drugs, the withdrawals are far worse and go on far longer than that of heroin. They were supposed to be prescribed as a very short term drug to help with the initial withdrawals. My advice would be to use whichever one they suggest simply for that, so as not to get addicted … addicts don’t call meth liquid handcuffs for no reason! After the heroin is out of the system 7-10 days the rest is all about the mental obsession and for that he will need proper support with meetings, counselling CBT whatever he finds works for him by trial and error. If he commits to getting proper help with the mental side of his addiction then he will have far more chance of staying off the drug. My ex has in the past managed to stay clean for a couple of weeks but never addressed the reasons why he wanted to use … the triggers if any, even the fundamentals such as people, places and things. I would delete drug numbers from his phone but that was pointless because he could always find them again or a new dealer.
Cold turkey from heroin, unlike alcohol or benzos is not dangerous only acutely uncomfortable. It is the fear of the withdrawals that makes it so frightening and hard for those who want to stop. My ex would panic even at the slightest sign of discomfort preempting the withdrawals before actually experiencing any real symptoms. Coming off heroin cold turkey is truly not for the faint hearted but it will not kill the addict. Watching someone go through heroin withdrawals is shocking and I wouldn’t ever wish that kind of distress even on my worst enemy.
I am so glad you have joined this site Jaynhissay, your post re your mum made me cry and also gave me hope for my ex. Even though we are not together now, I still care from afar and would welcome any advice on how you handled fighting that devil on your shoulder. Keep up the fight and really well done you xx
Hi Stephen
Thank you for this post. I will look up the link now but firstly let me say really well done you! I have been a partner aka nurse, carer, mother and general punching bag to a heroin addict for over 5 years. I read the heroin additction site every single day in order to try to understand the situation from the addicts point of view and yet still I cannot accept the choices he made with all the help and support he had to get clean. And yet there are some who have no one and no support yet manage to turn their lives around. I would love to hear how you managed to do this even though I am no longer with my partner (if you could call him that) I don’t believe in the hitting rock bottom message – being homeless in the freezing cold begging on the streets with no friends at all panicking about your next hit even as you are banging up would be rock bottom in my opinion … but no it wasn’t at all. Even when he was happy, no triggers or stress he would use and it was almost as if he didn’t believe that he could hang on to genuine happiness, leaving to score whilst things were still good if that makes any sense.
Short of actually using heroin, I have read everything there is and met many users. I know that crack, although not addictive physically is probably the worst with regards to the mental pull. My ex did snowballs but heroin was his DOC and to be honest, I preferred it when he shot up the two together because he didn’t nod out and look quite so much like an extra in Sean of the Dead! I would ask him why he used and he would say that it wasn’t just about keeping well it was also because he felt more like the way he believed he should feel whilst he was with people .. it made him relax and both feel and be the person he wanted to be which is no different to why many people drink alcohol except that booze is legal and definitely far more dangerous. After a hit of gear, the user is calm, often quiet or gouching out whereas with alcohol there can be extreme violence. It is when the addict is withdrawing and has no money for the next fix the real harm takes place in my experience with my ex.
Any help to understand more would be very welcome because even though I am not still with him, I still care very much and want to help from a distance.
I will have a look now at the site and if I feel it is useful will most definitely spread the word so to speak
Well done you and keep taking one day at a time – I hear it’s super difficult in the beginning and you wonder why you’re bothering due to feeling so depressed and ill. That devil will always be on your shoulder Stephen but I guess you truly did get sick and tired of being sick and tired? Any advice of what truly goes through an addict’s head is always helpful although I have had discussions about this with quite a few, especially my ex.
The father of my children is an alcoholic but being a QC he has plenty of money to manage his addiction, regularly enjoying 5* rehab with pool, gym and room service!! He tried to explain it like this – if you pointed a gun at an alcoholic’s head and put a huge glass of whiskey in front of them, telling them that if they drank it you would shoot them … the alcoholic would be rapidly trying to assess if he had the time to down it before the trigger was pulled.
I will let you know what I think of your link and thank you 🙂
Oh yes, what you have just said is so bloody true … those precious drug dealer numbers! I have hidden his phone before and made him believe he’d lost it in one of his drug fuelled hazes which with heroin means nodding out and literally being in a trance like state. They look like they are fast asleep ‘nodding out or gouching’ wherever they may be sitting or lying but in fact they are in semi conscious dropping their lit cigarettes on your floor, knocking over their beer and refusing to go to bed and sleep off the filth. That’s why my ex would often do snowballs, a mix of heroin and crack cocaine which enables them to stay awake and enjoy the heroin hit without nodding out. Short of actually doing the drug, there is absolutely nothing I don’t know about about it now and if your partner was doing heroin you would hear it in his voice immediately. A dreadful low pitched, grating monotone rumble and his pupils would be the size of little dots.
Hiding the phone causes temporary panic and inconvenience but they will always be able to score anyway. The difference is that they then need to go to one of their so called drug friends to get the number back and will have to pay for a bag for that said person just to get the contact. It’s amazing because none of them care one little bit about each other and only get in touch when they want drugs that they cannot get hold of for themselves. If he is now a runner, I kid you not, your very safety is in danger. If he gets robbed by someone when he has a load of stuff on him that he is due to sell (this has happened to my ex with heroin) your partner will have to pay for the loss regardless of the circumstances and with cocaine that could run into hundreds of pounds. If he is a runner, please distance yourself from him as quickly as you possibly can for your own safety especially with this pandemic.
He is mixing with people who really do not care about Covid and what he would have been touching with his hands has been through many others and in places unimaginably disgusting! And yes, you are right to stay away from him with regards to sex but stay away full stop!
You are in such a hard position with your son loving him and missing him so much but it will get better with time. If you meet someone else who is a genuinely good person that both you and your son deserve, your son will adapt and appreciate the calm and happiness that no longer exists between you and your ‘partner’ I genuinely do not believe that you are helping a child by putting up with this kind of revolting and unacceptable behaviour just because you don’t want to hurt him. You will hurt him far more in the long run if you don’t keep him safely away from the drug world and all the negativity that it brings. He needs a happy mum who is not permanently stressed and a prisoner in her own home. Your son wants to see the best of you which will never happen if you continue with a man who does not value either of you. I hope this doesn’t sound too harsh because I feel so badly for you – at least my kids were adults and not at home most of the time but when they were, even though he did try to stay clean, they were nothing short of horrified and frightened for me.
Funnily enough, even though I had finally ended it anyway, they gave me an ultimatum – it’s us or him no negotiation but it was a no brainer for me and I haven’t regretted my decision. You can do this and I know you will because you’re a loving mum and your partner is no longer anyone you know at all x
Hi there
Read your post and I’m so sorry that you are going through this nightmare, especially with your son to look after too.
If you have found a needle, it is possible that he has been injecting the coke but this is obviously even more dangerous than snorting it. IV use is not for the faint hearted and represents a huge risk of infection including Hep C and HIV. Whether it is more than coke or not, it really makes no difference because the end result for you is just the same. My ex boyfriend is a heroin addict and the not eating and lying in bed for days does sound like it could be that horrible drug. They don’t answer the phone because they are in their own little world of oblivion where you mean absolutely nothing and nor do they even stop to think about how their selfish behaviour is impacting on you.
I know you have a son together and having the strength to kick him out and break
up the family is a huge decision. But trust me, as hard as it may seem to make that choice, the welfare of both yourself and your son is the only thing that matters when living with a partner abusing drugs. When in active addiction, they only care about their next fix and not only do they contribute zero to the household bills, they also ponce every last penny from you. You are bringing up a child that clearly you love very dearly. Children are far more perceptive than you realise, even at a young age and your anxiety will impact on your son. If your partner is using needles now, his addiction will spiral rapidly out of control and you cannot afford to have needles in your house when you have a child there.
My advice would be to pack up his bags and move on for the sake of your own mental health and the welfare of your son. It will be hard in the beginning, but what are you gaining from him staying with you in the house? Life is so short and believe me, if you continue to remain in your current situation, your mental health will deteriorate and like many of us on this site, (if it hasn’t happened already) you may never be the same person again.
Do his parents know about his addiction? Do your parents know or are you, like many of us on here, too ashamed to talk to anyone about it? Feel free to talk to me at any time, I spent over 5 years with my ex and I have nearly lost everything because of my inability to see what was right in front of me over and over again. Round and round in circles, getting clean for a very short while (allegedly) your heart bursting with hope and future plans then bam back to square 1 again … soul destroying and emotionally exhausting. So many promises but their actions completely contradict everything they say. And with addicts, words are so very cheap!
This is a great forum and reading other people’s posts has made me feel so much more positive and determined never to put myself in that position again. I’m here if you want to chat but in the meantime please just think about the well-being of you and your son. Be strong for both of you and you will make the right decision. Like many on this forum, getting away from the chaos gives you a chance to really think about you and what is best for your little family. Take good care x
Hi again 🙂
You have answered your own question and I totally relate to how you feel. You do miss them dreadfully initially and wonder whether you have made the right decision. But as you rightly said, when they are no longer turning your life upside down with their lies and utterly selfish behaviour you can actually appreciate a new calm existence. You have the opportunity to really see the mess you have allowed yourself to be dragged into and I’m sure now you realise that you deserve so much more from a partner.
Let him sort his own life out now and luckily he has help from the prison services to try and turn his life around. Funnily enough, I too cut my ex boyfriend’s mother out of my life whilst I was still with him. She knew some of the terrible things he was doing to me including kicking my front door in but would never address his appalling behaviour unless it affected her directly. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree so well done you for cutting off a toxic mother who could only make your life even harder with her son.
Keep being strong – life is short so don’t waste anymore time with someone who even now in prison is thinking entirely about his future and not yours with him. It’s always me me me with addicts and they always play the victim in my experience. Deep down we always know when we are fighting a losing battle and he is not making you happy is he? This separation is giving you the chance to heal so my advice would be to not let him re-open your wounds.
I really hope that things work out for you whatever it is you decide to do x
Hi! I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through – being the partner of a drug addict is nothing short of hell on earth.
My honest advice to you from my own experience, is to run away from this man and never look back. I do believe, like many addicts that at the time he promised you he was going to change, he probably meant it. Sadly, the pull of the drug (I have heard that crack is probably one of the hardest to resist) will always come before you – the end result being that you will feel utterly used and second best to crack. I say this because my ex boyfriend of 5 years is a heroin addict and an alcoholic but the two go hand in hand along with any other drug including grass. He also stole from me and many times used the excuse that he took the money so he could buy enough gear to kill himself. He also cheated on me but that apparently was just a mistake and was my fault because I had kicked him out of my home.
As brutal as this sounds, for the most part addicts are narcissists devoid of any empathy towards the people who love and care for them. In fact, it is their loved ones that they abuse the most and whilst they are in active addiction, your feelings and mental health are of no concern to them whatsoever. Yes, you will see times when they appear to be remorseful and desperate to change but their actions never reflect their words. It is like being on a merry go round ride and if you don’t jump off you will ultimately be dragged down by the chaos. I was a happy person before I met my ex and stupidly I was arrogant enough to believe that my love and support would make him want to stop for good. It is so hard because you see glimpses of hope when the person they were meant to be surfaces but that becomes more and more fleeting and no amount of suffering they see you going through will make them stop. The lies, selfishness and lack of respect suck out your very soul and make you feel so worthless and unappreciated. Then you have the gaslighting to contend with and if you’re not careful you will actually start believing that it is all your fault that he uses that filth.
Do you want to waste anymore time on someone who is showing you with his actions that he has no intention of changing? Do you want to worry about where you are going to put your purse every time he comes to your home or what state he will be in when you see him? He may have got clean in prison but was that through choice? When he gets out he wont have bars to stop him hooking up with his dealer so do you want to take the risk of jumping back on that ride? What are you getting from this relationship other than constant worry and suspicion? In my honest opinion, when the trust has gone so has your relationship and if you continue like I did, your sanity and self-worth too! It is very hard and painful to let go but you CANNOT change them however much you show your love and support.
If you genuinely believe he has changed and you’re prepared to give it another go then my advice would be to take it very slowly indeed. If he is serious about staying off crack then he will need to have lined up some sort of support as in meetings and counselling etc. Getting the drugs out of their system is apparently not the hardest part it’s the mental pull that is a battle that stays with them for the rest of their lives – do you want your mental health to suffer as a result of being in a battle YOU are powerless to win? You will be putting your happiness and future entirely in the hands of someone unpredictable, unreliable and untested as to his sincerity about change. Why do you think that he could change for you if he couldn’t even get clean for his children?
It is possible that he really wants to change but actions speak so much louder than words. If you believe he is being sincere then my suggestion would be to keep a distance from him when he gets out and see how he gets on. You matter and so does your happiness … take a step back and imagine the kind of life you will have if you take him back. I no longer speak to my ex and as much as I miss the beautiful person that would sometimes surface and make me want to keep trying I am slowly becoming me again. Be brave but mostly be honest with yourself x