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Most dealers will allow people to get into thousands of debt before they will start to pressure them for money.. They know that they will always get it back one way or another. Usually they are satisfied with getting paid bit by bit.
The scary bit is when they start using various dealers, and maybe owe a few thousand to each of them. Then if the addict can’t pay back the debt, the dealer will usually start threatening to demand their family members or partner to pay the money. Then the addict will usually try frantically to find any other means of payment. Dealers usually just work with cash so is it possible your husband is taking out extra credit cards and making cash withdrawals?
Thanks! I really hope it works out well for you too… Its such a hard call to stay or go.. Especially when you know that they want to change and it sounds like he’s quite vulnerable at the minute. I wouldn’t wish that situation on my worst enemy!
It’s only you who can decide if it’s time to go.. But yea, maybe having a time set in your mind to see if any progress has been made might be a good idea.. And I’d really recommend trying to get him to go to CA, it’s such a supportive group!
Hi Riesena,
Your story sounds extremely similar to my story. I spent a full year waiting for him go get sober (from Jan 21 to Jan 22). Like your fiancee, he really wanted to stop, was trying to fight it a lot of the time, gave me all his cards etc. But no matter what me or him tried to put to in place to stop him he always found a way, mostly stated using and drinking in work. He also has a massive alcohol addiction that became even more problematic than coke. He became so good at lying and I just felt like a detective all the time and the stress of it was killing me.
Like you, I had fully expected to be planning a wedding and trying to get pregnant this year.. I’m 35 now so the thoughts of leaving him and trying to find someone else at this age terrified me so I think that’s why I made up so many excuses for him and fought for so long to save our relationship.
He even went to rehab for 3 months and we had a few weeks of complete bliss before he relapsed again. But by January this year, I realised that we were no further on than 12 months before, I couldn’t cope with the lies anymore and I felt that addiction had taken his whole lovely bubbly caring personality from him. All I was left with was a shell and then I realised that all the hopes for the future that I was clinging on to, I knew he wouldn’t be able to give me any of that now. So I suppose what I learned is that even if they do want to stop, sometimes the addiction is too strong and deep rooted, it isn’t possible for everyone. Maybe he will get sober at some point, but I don’t have the years that it might take to wait on him.
It was horrible for a long time after I left him, but I know now I 100% made the right decision now. I’ve enjoyed travelling again, with no worries about what’s going on at home. I’m enjoying tinder at the min and hopeful that I will meet someone to start a family with as I believe it was impossible to do that with my ex.
Hi Debbie,
I posted a lot on this group last year and really appreciated all the advise from Faith and Ash. The sad news that I’m going to tell you is that recovery isn’t a given. This disease can be so toxic, it really does take over their brains. My now ex boyfriend was addicted to coke and alcohol. He admitted this to me last January and sought help with ca, aa and even attended a 3 month rehab, he managed to give up coke fairly successfully but he couldn’t stop drinking and lying about it. He used to be such a confident capable person, but addiction stole everything from him. He’s just a drunk now. I left him for the final time this January, even then he said he would get sober and win me back, but he hasn’t. All the love is still there, but it’s powerless against his addiction. I think he has had a lot of issues from his past thats always caused him anxiety and low self esteem and I think that’s what’s keeping him in addiction. I’m still grieving for the future that we had planned, but I have accepted that it’s never going to be possible. But I’ve told everyone that we know we’ve spilt up because of his drinking and you’d be surprised the amount of people that can relate to it, so definitely open up to your friends and family. Most days I can completely enjoy myself and I’m greatful I can do and go wherever I want, without the stress of worrying what he’s up to! It got so bad at the end I was tracking his location (with his consent) and he was still getting away with loads! That’s no life for anyone. So my advise is if he does come back with promises, tread carefully and look for a real commitment to some sort of therapy. I know most of his group from the 3 month rehab have managed to stay sober. So there can be hope, it’s just not a given even if they want to change unfortunately.
Thanks @faithnotfear, even when I wrote the last message, I was still considering going back to him but his brother just text me to say they tested him and he’s positive for cocaine. He’s continuing to lie, saying that the test is wrong. So now I feel like there’s no hope of him making a recovery from this.
I am lucky though that I’ve got good friends around me and hopefully Mr Right is around somewhere for me.
Maybe see if he would go to a ca meeting? But from experience, you can’t believe a word that comes out of their mouths. Try to establish the extent of his coke use, if you don’t believe that he’s stopped, you can buy drug testing kits from amazon.
Ive finally had to give up on my relationship, he even went to rehab for 3 months and everything seemed great when he got out but has started drinking and lying again after just 2 weeks out. I left him on Friday. I’m in bits trying to come to terms that the future we had planned is never going to happen. After everything he’s done, I’m still tempted to go back. My life is currently ruined, I was living in his house, so now I’m 34, single and living on my friends couch. I was hoping to get engaged and pregnant this year but that dream is gone now.
Hi Debbie,
Sorry that’s happening to you, its so horrible, we can all relate to it. What does he say when you confronted him about it? Does he say that he wants to stop or would he be willing to get help?
Haha… Love it! It’s good to hear you’ve got your balls back lol! And we’re not all crackers!! ???????? Thanks I needed a bit of a lol xx
Thanks Chellou, that’s encouraging. I know therapy will help me, I’ve been considering getting into contact with my family therapist all day, I don’t know why, I just can’t bring myself to do it. Today, I just feel hopeless, I can’t even bring myself to leave the house. I’m trying to think about things objectively, trying to balance the hurt that I’m feeling and I suppose the evil of addiction. I feel like the lovely bubble that I was in for 2 weeks was just me kidding myself that everything was better now.. But I think I have to look at addiction as an illness that isn’t magically cured in rehab.. He can pin point all the things that he did wrong over the last few days that led him to drinking, he’s saying that he’s going to go to a meeting, meet a new sponsor tonight and stick to the structure they thought him in rehab. So I’ve decided now that when he comes home from work, I’m going to tell him that I’ll give him this chance, but probably insist on him going to meetings 7 days a week for the next while. I still feel like shit though, if I don’t feel any better in a few days, I’m going to seek out therapy.
That’s good that he wasn’t up to anything he shouldn’t be! That’s a great idea to keep it on your phone, I found writing very helpful when times were at their toughest, but I ended up burning it. I probably sound dramatic having this reaction to a few drinks. But my boyfriend is as much an alcoholic as coke addict, probably a lot more. Its the deceit and lying directly to my face that I can’t accept anymore.. He had been completely sober for over 3 months and was so proud of his 3 months badge.. I don’t get how he can throw away his sobriety and our relationship for a few sneaky drinks! Especially when he’s got so much support from rehab, ca, his friends and family, he knows what he should do when he’s struggling, just why did he go back to his old tricks? He knows that if he hadn’t of been caught, it would only be a matter of time until he was back taking coke.
He’s telling me that he let a lot of his new routine go, eg morning meditation, missed a meeting because we were travelling and things started to slip, he said that he needs to start with a sponsor again to do the steps. It all sounds fairly reasonable to me, but this last year has taken it’s toll on me and I don’t know if I’m still being manipulated? Has anyone been in this situation and their partner managed to turn it around? He said that he’s struggling with the first step acceptance.
I can relate to what you’re saying so much.. My boyfriend just came out of a 3 month rehab just over 2 weeks ago.. We had the most amazing 2 weeks, I really felt like I had him back! Then over the weekend, I started getting that uneasy feeling when he went to the shop etc longer than he should have been, I suspected he drank on Saturday but convinced myself I was paranoid, then again when I came home from work on Sunday. I breathalysed him on Sunday and sure enough he’d been drinking. Drug test came back clear. To say I’m heartbroken is an understatement. I just feel so let down and betrayed, after all the hope I had that he really meant it this time and he wouldn’t start lying to me like before. Now I’m in turmoil, is this the last straw? Is this the time I actually walk? I really don’t want to, I cannot imagine my future without him.. But am I setting myself up for a life of lies and paranoia if I stay?
I know he’s really cut up about falling off the wagon and letting me down again.. He seems to be trying to do the right thing, talking to people in recovery and organising a sponsor for himself since the weekend.. So I feel like I should give him another chance.. But at the same time I’m wondering am I just being a walk over if I do? I hate this.. ????
I hope that you find your husband is doing something innocent xx
I’ve read through all the posts today and it’s crazy how many similarities there is between all of our situations. My boyfriend is half way through a 12 week rehab.. But at times I’m wondering if I should be feeling guilty about how much I’m enjoying him being away! It’s such a relief to not have to worry what I’m coming home to. He seems to be doing really well in the programme and realising a lot about himself while he’s away but I’m trying not to be too optimistic as I know the struggle only really starts when he gets home. I’m actually dreading how it’s going to be when he gets out. Like some of you have said, it’s hard to be this supposed saving angel and be positive and supportive when I’m still getting flashbacks of all the lies and hurt he’s caused me. But I’m trying to have some faith in the programme and I think I will go back to my family addiction counsellor when he gets out… I suppose it’s a wait and see kinda thing. But I’m glad that I’m not the only one uncomfortable with this Saint title when they’re meant to be doing well.
I know I’m not in too much of a position to give advise yet but I think @chellou it could be a good idea to confront your husband about drinking and suggest the 12 steps, because if he’s just replacing coke with alcohol, it may only be a matter of time until he’s back on coke again, either way it still sounds like addiction is still having a really negative effect on your relationship.
I really feel for your situation, especially as you are 7 months pregnant, I can only imagine how difficult that is for you! It’s horrible for any of us trying to deal with our anger and still have this feeling that we need to help. But the worst part is that really we’re powerless to someone else’s addiction, especially if they won’t admit there’s a problem. Its crazy now that it’s become normal for people to take coke at work, that’s what really destroyed my boyfriend. He’s in rehab now and looks like he’s doing good, but I’m terrified that he won’t be able to stick to sober living after he gets out. I think you made a wise decision to let his family take over dealing with him for now. I really hope he realises what he’s doing soon x
Hi Cali,
I’m glad to hear that he’s out of the house for 2.5 months so you’re not always confronting the mental abuse at home.
My boyfriend has probably always been an alcoholic, it’s rife in his family. Addicted to cannabis aswell. Other than that since I met him, I’ve know he’s been a recreational party drug user.. I loved that at the start, we were the party couple. He seemed to still function really well then. But he began taking coke daily at work on his building site (apparently this is common on every building site!!), and that’s when he stopped being a functional addict.
He hid it so well, I thought it was the drink that was causing all of his problems. When I said in January that I was going to leave over his drinking, he confessed about how much coke he’d been taking, he knew how serious it was then and wanted to stop. But even with the will to stop, he couldn’t maintain it and just got more addicted and better at lying the last few months.
I don’t want to jinx it, but he’s been very committed the last month and is dying to get into rehab. He knows he can’t handle any substances when he’s out. I don’t know what’s different this time, maybe it was his mother finding out and seeing her fear and disappointment and I left for a while. He seems to have some understanding now of how much he’s let down his family, friends and people he worked for. Then we went to my parents house in the countryside for 2 weeks to give him a head start away from all his dealers. He learned a few lessons here about how low he would go to get substances, he stole money from my bag to buy drink and lied to his friend so he could send him money. That was a big wake up call for him.
But everyone has their own rock bottom, unfortunately we can’t do anything to force them into finding it or seeing the need to change. I hate how powerless we are in this situation! Maybe when your husbands friends get sick of him wasting around their houses and throw him out, maybe then he’ll get some idea of how much he hurt you and others, and what a mess he’s made of his life. I hope you’re doing better now x
Hi Cali,
I really relate to your story, I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years.. Like you I always felt like he worshiped me and we had so many amazing future plans together. In January this year, I realised the full extent of his coke use, at this point we were no longer the loving couple we always had been, we were strangers living in the one house.
The only difference is that he realised then that he had a problem and went to AA and CA to get help. It was only after numerous attempts to stop and realise that he couldn’t I learned just how toxic coke addiction is. It turned this lovely honest man into a lying and manipulate monster. He recognises this, hates himself and still can’t stop. It’s came to rock bottom breaking point a few times at this stage but he’s been clean now about a month while he’s waiting on a place in rehab. He realises that if he doesn’t give it his all this time that he’s going to be homeless or in prison.
This has easily been the worst 7 months of my life.. It’s crazy to think that someone you know and love so well can now keep lying and hurting you. But Coke has this crazy evil power, it literally takes over their brain and they no longer can think for themselves.. It hurt so much that he knowingly gambled our relationship and future plans for a drug that he supposedly didn’t even enjoy anymore.
But after a lot of hard discussions and professional help for both me and him, I think we might come out the other side. He is due to get a place in a 12 week rehab next week and now I see he’s really trying to fight the demon. Although I’m trying to be careful not to be too optimistic as I know it can all come tumbling down again.
You really need to sit down and have a very frank discussion with your husband.. And as Ash said, if he doesn’t realise that he has a problem, he hasn’t got a hope and he will continue to hurt you even more. You need to look after yourself first and foremost. I’ve been seeing a family addiction counsellor, it’s helped me far more than I ever thought it would.
The one thing I say is at this point, don’t believe a word he says right now, the addiction forces them into being professional liars. I bought some drug tests from Amazon, otherwise I would have a clue that he was still using coke the most of the time. I’m still drug testing him every few days. Trust has gone out the window long ago.