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I’m really sorry you’re in such a horrible situation.. But on the upside he’s making it very easy for you to tell him to leave.. (I know it’s never easy, but no one could put up with that behaviour). You’re being more than nice not physically locking him out of the house. It’s important to focus on looking after yourself now, I’m sure you will feel great relief when he is gone and you don’t have to worry about him constantly.
I’m currently waiting for my partner to get a space in rehab and I feel in constant anxiety that he’s going to relapse beforehand. So wishing you lots of strength and support from your friend to get through this horrible period.
Sorry posted twice by accident!
It’s amazing the difference getting things off your chest can make.. Even to complete strangers! So enjoy your meal tonight!
I’m glad to know that you have a supportive family. I know the feeling of thinking that I was pushing away friends by calling in tears all the time.. But I think I may have got it wrong, I’ve had great support in the last 10 days since I’ve left him and even since deciding that I’ll probably go back soon. So it sounds like you will get plenty of support from your family whatever you decide.
Thanks Chellou, it means a lot to hear that your partner is now 2 years clean. I’m really hoping that if mine goes through rehab, it will work this time.
I really feel for your situation @leeds, I hope it can work out for you. I think you’re right though, she needs to realise how serious the situation is now.
Yea, I’m in a completely different situation, we don’t have kids and we were living in a house owned by his family. But I’m not in an ideal situation now, sleeping on an air bed in my friends apartment. And it looks like I’ll go back soon, but if that doesn’t work, rent prices is crazy here so I’m going to have to find a house share to live in.. I’m dreading the thought of that.
Maybe in your situation if it doesn’t work out, you may be asking him to leave. But whatever happens, I think a family addiction counsellor will be a great help to you. I’m in Ireland and I was surprised to find how freely available counselling is here, but if you’re in a country where it is expensive, there’s services like Al anon that’s always free.
It’s such a hard decision to leave, it’s the logical decision for most of us to leave. But the it’s only us in the situation that understand what it’s like wishing the person we fell in love with back to life. But if he’s not doing anything to help himself and is continuing to beat you down, maybe it’s time to give up wishing.
I left 10 days ago, when I last commented. But I’m still in turmoil over what to do. My leaving has really hit him hard and his whole family are disgusted with him now that the whole truth is out. He’s been saying he wants to change for months but I think the consequences have really hit him this time. He’s now trying every day to get a place in a residential rehab. I’ve decided to go back if he goes to rehab. It all sounds like it’s positive at the minute but I still can’t get over all the hurt from the lies he’s put me through and I hate having to be suspicious all the time so I’m not too optimistic.
I’ve started seeing a family addiction counsellor and honestly I can’t recommend it enough. I initially refused to see a counsellor as I thought it would be about teaching me to be more tolerant with addiction. But it’s completely different, they coach you about how to communicate effectively with your addict and teach you about setting boundaries with them. @she I think this would be very important to you because you need to start looking after you.
Thanks so much for posting today, it’s reminded me that we aren’t all alone in this. I woke up crying and made the decision to leave, then I got the notification about this forum.
I posted in this forum a lot in March and got great help. However he has relapsed a few times since then, it seems he’s in far too deep now to just stop without residential rehab. I met his counsellor with him on Monday, he promised me the world and assured me he would stop. Yesterday (Tuesday) I discovered he was texting ppl to get coke. Its completely taken over him.
I’m in absolute turmoil now whether leaving is the right thing but I have to accept that he is not the man I loved while this ugly drug has a hold on him.
Has your partner admitted that he needs help?
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Thanks Dan & Ash for your great advise. This forum has really helped me get through the last few days days. I have confided in two friends and his brother but its so valuable to get support ppl who have lived through it. I will talk to him about situations that will test him and I’ll def keep off the drink around him.
Thanks! I’m in Ireland so the meetings are seen as essential but they still have zoom meetings too. It was definitely a very different St Patrick’s day for us lol.
But thanks for everything you said yesterday, I sent it on to him and it kind of helped break the ice between us, showed that I was trying to help cuz all I could physically say to him yesterday was guilt trips. He showed it to his sponsor, and he really reinforced everything you said. He’s meeting his sponsor tonight to go through the book and then I think meet him twice a week on top of the meetings so it’s going to be very intense for a while.
Hi, just wanted to give you all an update. I did pull myself together enough to go to the ca meeting with him last night and I’m really glad I did. I know it’s not usual for them to allow partners attend a meeting, I’m not really sure why they allowed me in but I think it might have saved us. The support of the people in the room was unbelievable and I really feel if he fully commits to it this time, it can work. I’m really glad to have a better insight into it. He acknowledged that he was still clinging on to some idea that he could still do it while having the odd joint/pint/line every now and then but I think ot has finally hit him that he needs to leave all those behind him. He said that he is fully committed to going to all the meetings now and we’re both attending a counsellor tomorrow. I know it’s been a complete change of tune from me today and hard to believe but I’m not angry today and I feel some hope after attending the meeting. So fingers crossed we can beat this horrible disease together.
Thanks Ash, that means a lot. His sponsor has suggested I go to meeting with him now. We’re about to leave to go but I don’t know if I can pull myself together enough to go. Is it bad that I’m afraid everyone will try and make me feel pity for his situation? I feel like I’m not ready but don’t want to miss the opportunity either? ????
Thanks Ash, I’m hoping and praying that I’ll be able to come back here in a years time and be in the same position as you.
Like you, I’m worried that if I leave, he will lose it completely. But I’m also worried that if I don’t, I’m sacrificing my own future happiness. I’m 34 and I felt so ready to start a family and I know there’s no way I could think about introducing a baby to the situation the way it is. I’m so angry that he’s thrown all of our future plans out the window.
But thanks, everyone’s comments are helping me to soften/ calm down. I might be able to talk to him once he comes home from his sponsor.
Thanks so much, that’s great advise! I will pass it all on to him, I think it will help. You really are making a difference to many of us on this forum, I really hope your recovery goes well. Some day you’ll be a great sponsor for ppl at ca.
K