[salboo]

Hi lonelygirl,

I am so sorry you are going through this… I have been through very similar. I totally get how let down you feel about your mum and I also get the feeling of loneliness. My partner does not understand my mum’s addictions either and it causes many arguments between us.

You are NOT being selfish at all… the two people who I presume are closest to your are not emotionally available and you are going through something horrific and traumatic. No one wants to see their mum take hard drugs and anyone would react in exactly the same way you did.

In times like this we need to have a support network that we can turn to when it gets too much, and it must be even worse for you because you are living in the same house as your mum.

As I say I often feel quite alone… no one understands or knows what to say because their mum is not an addict. To a degree I understand that…. how are people supposed to know how you feel if their mum is not an addict? Just remember your feelings are valid.

Whatever you decide to do please always put your needs and your mental heath and wellbeing before anyone else’s.

xxx

[salboo]

Hi Leedsgal,

I am sorry you are going through this, it really is so hard. I am in a very similar position. You are such a credit to your mum, the way that you have supported her all these years… it really is a very very difficult thing to do and I am sure you have shed many tears over the situation… I know I have.

I would echo what Lindyloo said… you need to make sure your mental health and well-being is taken care of. I made the transition from putting all my efforts into supporting my mum to putting the efforts into my own mental recovery. The experience really took a toll on me and it might have for you also.

You don’t want to cut your mum off, so you can perhaps spend some time with her and help her out as you want to, but please also think of yourself. Make time to do things you enjoy or that you find to relieve stress. This will help in some way to stop you worrying so much.

You can’t control what your mum does unfortunately and so maybe concentrate on what you CAN control… your health and wellbeing.

You are brilliant 🙂

[salboo]

Thank u Liberty and I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through similar with your partner. I totally understand the feeling of grief. I am definitely going through the same. I always a say this woman is not my mum, the drugs and alcohol have made her into someone else entirely. There is an amazing woman under there somewhere but I haven’t seen her in such a long time and don’t know when (or if) I’ll see her again and I totally would describe this feeling as grieving.

I spoke to someone online a few weeks ago in a similar situation to me but whose mum actually died of a heroin overdose a few years ago. She said when her mum passed away she felt numb and didn’t even cry. Her therapist said that was because she had grieved whilst her mum was still alive and had been preparing for the death. That is definitely something I can relate to and I’m sure you can too. This explains why I feel such dispair and sadness.

I understand what you say about the inconsistency of care and sense of rejection… one minute they’re sorry and want to be around you the next they reject you and couldn’t care less. I know it’s the addiction that makes them do this but it’s so cruel. It hurts so much. I dint know about you but my mums addictions have caused me so many mental health problems myself. I have so many issues that I relate to those experiences. When I look at the list of typical attributes of an adult child of an addict I tick every box.

I know of a few people that have managed to get and stay clean, but like you say it has to come from the person and our hands are tied… it’s a horrible position to be in.

I hope your boyfriend manages to break the cycle and that you can find peace xxx

[salboo]

Thank you both for your replies, I did find comfort that you understand. It’s such a horrible situation because there is no win… I leave her to it and I’m in despair and when I try to be there for her she throws it in my face and hurts me to the core.

It’s all a huge mess. Like I said she has always been a non-functioning alcoholic (due to many traumatic life events) and has dabbled with all sorts of drugs, anything she can get her hands on. She has been in and out of rehab and has catagorically told me she does not want to get better… she has told me so many times, don’t bother because this is how I want to be. She enjoys the lifestyle… it was when she came into the money that it all went so badly wrong… usually, if she didn’t have money for a drink (I certainly would never give her money), she would withdraw for a few days (or however long until she got some money) and then go crazy again… but the periods of her having no money were a slight break where she would be OK again. But with this money there is none of that because she can always have more and more and more.

It sounds insane (and please don’t see this as a reflection on me as I find it just as insane as anyone else would) but it’s actually my ex partner that has been getting the crack for her (probably in an attempt to punish me after we split) and of course all the old ‘mates’ have come out of the woodwork now she has some money… didn’t care whether she was alive or dead before the money and now she has a house full.

I have heard from various family members who have tried to help her in recent months that she has been nasty to them and told them to **** off and so everyone has given in now… however my aunty got in touch with me earlier today and said she has been trying to ring her for about a week now and can’t get hold of her so she is going round tonight… she honestly can’t last much longer living this life…. the last time I saw her she was emaciated and literally on another planet, she has a list of ailments and like I said she’s 60 now so I feel like every time a family member gets in touch with me it’s to tell me the news I really don’t want to hear.

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