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Coco1212, yes I’ve called his bluff before, that’s the last time we split up, he was gone 6 mths, we only got back together July this year after all the promises and talk about change blaah blaah blaah. I should have gone with my gut, I knew deep down things wouldn’t change. When he’s with me, he doesn’t use crack and coke as much as when we split up, I know he tries to keep it to a minimum but it’s like he doesn’t realise the affect it has on our relationship and on me. I don’t sleep well when he hasn’t had it for a couple of days due to the withdrawal affect it has on him, he doesn’t keep still, I mean like literally every 15 to 20 seconds he’s head banging, violently twitching tossing and turning but literally bounces when he turns. This goes on until hes in a deep sleep anything from 2 to 4hrs a night, when hes on it it’s mild so I can manage to fall asleep. His mood swings are so up and down, it’s what I assume living with someone with bipolar would be like. He won’t get help for any part of his addiction, he won’t even admit he’s got a problem, not even for the sleep behaviour.
I’m so happy your ex partner is trying to get help, hopefully you will be able to move forward and maybe eventually get your relationship back on track, 18 years is a long time, you sound like such a strong person. I think there needs to be more support for families of addicts because it’s not just their life that get destroyed xx
By the way I’m an empath so the smallest of change in him I feel it straight way, if he’s having a bad day, so am I and I’m so fed up of feeling miserable when other than him I have an absolutely amazing life in reality. Xx
Hi Coco 1212, his usual response is to say something like “so do you want me to leave then, is that what you’re saying” so then we just get into something total off topic and I don’t get to say anything I wanted or needed to say. I’ve even ended the conversation with telling him it’s pointless me saying anything and he just carries on his day like nothing happened. It really is getting to the stage where I don’t think he gives a damn about me or maybe he’s wanting me to blow so i kick him out and he can go on a crack bender?xx
Hi all. Sorry I’ve not been on for awhile, I was on “ignorance is bliss” mode. It sounds like one way or another we are all in the same position with our other halves and it’s probably the same for them. Can I ask how do you talk to your partners about the problems that their habit is causing? I can’t talk to mine at all about it, he goes on the defensive, lies and denies. I keep everything bottled up, I know he knows how unhappy I am but he won’t say anything because he hates talking about problems. I’m now in touch with counselling for myself as i know my mental health is starting to suffer, which again he hasn’t spoke to me about even though he knows I’ve referred myself. I need to tell him how I’m feeling and what his addiction is doing to us but going by past experiences he would rather leave the relationship than talk. Xx
Hi Liberty, sorry for the late reply. My partner has gone cold turkey for a couple of weeks but i think it’s only been to win me over if I’m honest with myself. Enough is enough when YOUR life is suffering and you aren’t giving up on him if he doesn’t want to be saved. I understand what you are saying, I’m going through it myself but its not healthy for us to live like this either. The thing I’m starting to ask myself is why am I so concerned about him and saving our relationship when he clearly isn’t. I’m 44 and so is he, we’re both old enough to know what’s right and wrong. I’m coming to understand that if he truly wanted to change he would. I think you need to ask yourself (as do I), what do you want from YOUR life, YOUR future and figure out if you can have this with him. Talk to him again, tell him how you feel about what he does and what your dreams and aspirations are. You know him better than anyone and you’ll know deep down if you can have the life, the future you want if you stay with him. As for regret, I honestly don’t think you would regret walking way (my opinion). Yea you’ll miss him but you can’t move forward with your life the way it is. We are stuck in limbo and only YOU can change your life, and only HE can change his.
Xxx
From what I’m reading on here and from my own experience, I think they do love us but they love their coke/crack (addiction) more. As long as we will put up with it they will stay, if we try to help them/stop them they will go (until they think we are soft enough to put up with it again) the drugs will always be their priority, as much as they love us we will never be first in their lives, the drug will, even if they don’t want to lose us they’d rather lose us than their coke x
I keep trying to convince myself he’ll change but he won’t even admit to still taking it, I was cleaning the bedside drawers out yesterday and found a few knots ( with a little cocaine in them ) in the draw so search and found a crack pipe too. I’ve not even bothered to say anything to him yet as I know he’ll deny it..say something like they are from awhile ago or something similar but as I only took him back a couple of months ago it’s completely impossible. He’ll never admit it to me, I’ve tried telling him he can talk to me if he feels like he needs or want it but he doesn’t, I honestly don’t think he wants to stop taking it and doesn’t care if he loses me otherwise he’d at least try and hide it from me.
I’m so glad I came across this site. I feel like I’m going crazy..why does it bother me so much..why do I let my partners cocaine addiction get to me so much…why do I take him back when deep down I know he’s not going to stop.. I have absolutely no one I can talk to about this.