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Is this a new thing or did you know this about him before you were married?
I am quite liberally minded when it comes to recreational drugs and alcohol used responsibly. There is also a ‘more reasonable time’ in a person’s life to be doing such things and for many it’s a phase they go through in their early 20’s and then calm down and start looking after themselves better. But many people don’t calm down and develop long term problems with addiction. You don’t mention your age.
Money aside, his work aside, does the alcohol and drug use affect your relationship? Only you can decide if you’re not happy spending your home life with a man who’s not clear minded 7 nights a week.
I have seen relationships where handing the money across to run the house rapidly develops into a situation where he feels like he is buying his right to do what he wants. Like I say, I don’t know you or your husband but I would be concerned about drinking every night, no matter how small the quantity, and binging at the weekends “because.”
I am sorry for your loss. There will be alot of mixed emotions as you and your family work through the grieving process and run through questions you’ve already asked yourself many times before. I think you have to let this take it’s course. I promise, over time it will get better.
In my view, alcoholics must want to stop, to stop, and until they want to no one can make them. The reason they don’t want to, no matter how obvious it is to everyone around them, is because they slip beneath the waves of alcoholism and their entire world view is warped. As loved ones it’s hard for us to accept that we cannot lift that person out from that place they are in.
I applaud you for holding out hope all those years. Don’t beat yourself up for trying – if anything it speaks volumes about your commitment and loyalty and you should hold your head high. We can only do our best in life and I’m sorry that hope you had for your husband has not been rewarded.
You should not feel bad for the sense of relief and hope for the future. This is a normal way to feel. You and your children did not ask to have your lives dominated by alcoholism. There will be ups and downs to come. Look after yourself and consider setting your teenagers up with some grief counselling to work through their feelings.