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Do not feel ashamed, easy to say but shame will eat away your “health”. You’re fighting the addiction and obviously it will drain you emotionally and physically. It’s in the nature that addicts lie.
If you ask no questions, you’ll hear no lies.
If you stop yourself from fighting the addiction for your son, leave that to him, and start fighting to regain some sort of serenity in you day or hour not thinking of his addiction, you’ll begin to recharge.
Let go.. let God slogan for me meant,,,,, god help me,,, god help my son/daughter.
It’s not easy seeing son or daughters suffer but all us parents begin neglecting our own health.. overcome your shame talk to other mothers and you’ll be shocked at how many there are around you and a burden lifts off your shoulders and a weird sense of clarity begins.
Sending a hug ???? as one parent to another..
Hi Gemz, well done on making your decision. Going to meetings and reading forum messages helps me a lot. In a life where I am surrounded by drinkers and addicts I find it very useful to go to a meeting and be just sat in a group of people who are coping with daily life issues, clean and sober. At meetings they talk about working the steps, but just meeting and having a chat with a stranger there can be an eye opener to. It’s seems like a great burden if lifted off my shoulders when I chat to someone about my issues,,, it’s as if they get it. I don’t drink or use drugs and don’t want to be around such people but people who have never been addicts don’t know how it is to be in “recovery”. In my life, my world, there is still drink and drugs all around me but just not inside me,, but the affects of it persist. Group meetings have people who have been there, done it and are try moving on in non judgemental, helpful compassionately being there for each other. Do consider AA meetings to, best of luck with the future.
Hi Stephie, living with another person who has an addiction is like living with a kind and loving, evil and hurtful person at the same time. In alcoholism it’s the ism bit that the non addict succumbs to, we shout and swear, lash out and lie just as the addict does. In alcoholism family member groups say, you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it. Also some say or think of it as a disease. On the acceptance that it’s a disease (or a lifestyle choice- as some say) it’s inevitable that it will spread or infect us. Attitudes and how we react change for the worst, and as they alcoholic denies everything we begin to overlook, hide or blame the other for changing or “making” us react in a way that we know is wrong.
First step to recovery of the alcoholic or addict is acceptance of their problem. As a family member first step to healing is becoming aware that we ourselves have been affected. Infected.
The only person accountable for what’s said and done is the person who says or does it. I’m accountable to myself as you are to yourself.
One moto is, to thine own self be true… used in AA groups and Alanon etc, it’s about looking honestly at yourself and finding coping strategies for feelings emotions and reactions..
I have been to self help groups where just listening to others share their stories are very very similar to mine. Addicts/alcoholics recover but family members need to heal. Alanon 12 step (or other) is a useful starting point I found which made me aware of the bits I didn’t like about myself and offered some “suggestions”, ideas to change. Having been hurt and sharing with others who get it, knowing they understand what you’re on about when you can’t explain but just waffle, is something which takes a lot of weight off one’s shoulders. Learning to love and forgive yourself is harder than forgiving the other, but heal one does,, one day at a time.. courage and wisdom to you ????
I’ve been in a similar frame of mind of helplessness and hopelessness, self loathing and completely “lost”. Hard as it seemed at times in my dark mind often a simple thought came to mind, I’m better than this, I will get through this, I don’t know how but I will. Blind faith in something. You ain’t effin stupid, you managed to post on here & I’m the third person to wish you well. I know from my personal experience when I tried to be strong and fix it myself, I made the same mistakes again and again because I had tunnel vision. Reaching out for help was hard for me but surprisingly just chatting with a neighbour on the street began putting my problems in another perspective. Everyone is messed up in some way or another but I have found complete strangers in “meetings” say something that hit the nail on the head and I’m off with a different thought.. take it easy, small steps, and share hope, faith & courage. Physical meetings or forums it’s an awakening to think someone cares or gives a dam. Wishing you well.
Stay safe
Parents or loved ones can loose a lot more than the one their trying to save.
Try reading ” A merry go round named Denial.” ( an alanon leaflet… Google it)
My son drinks at home still at 38 but daughter now 40 is 5 years sober has a new beginning.
Hi Tracie,
Seems like we’re both in the wrong forum. But exactly what is the right forum when reaching out for something, when we don’t even know what we are reaching out for.
I’m a 60+ father of 3 adult “kids” who blame their dad for their alcoholism. The wife’s opinion is also ‘they get it from dad’s genes. I stopped drinking alcohol 24 years ago and my now 40 year daughter 5 years ago but neither period was pleasant. My daughter’s recovery took years and was undiscriebable, ( I can’t even spell the word!!! But it was hard). Addicts don’t really understand how hard it is on their family members until they sober up and relive it trying to fix another loved one in their life. However even in an addiction, the addict is a “family member” to an addict. ( I was a family member of alcoholics before becoming one).
Last night I took away a bottle of whisky from my 39 year old son, he’d stopped in January and in his room I say he had a 3 month AA chip. He’s been on a bender for weeks, work, girl friend, dad and life issue excuses. Last night the wife said the same old repetitive thing stop drinking or get out, and I asked her to tell him to go to meetings. This morning I went into his room and threw a 5 year AA sobriety chip to him saying that’s for the bottle of whisky I took from last night. That’s cohesiveness in trying to get him to re start going to meetings. Both were in my house at the same time and daughter is with new partner new house and one year baby, (my first grand child) coming to visit at weekend and saying to my son you could have been 5 years sober too by now is pointless. I’ll lead by example by going to a meeting myself and hope he goes to another himself. No one does it on their own but only themselves can they do it.
You say above in your opinion leave them it don’t get better but I’d say to you it’s not that simple.. alcohol and drugs both have craving and both affect job and life even though we choose not to admit it. Breaking free from one addiction while holding on to another or fooling yourself about toxic relationships are hampered by fear of some sort, being one one’s own for example. Over the years I’ve lost elder and now younger family to addiction. But every chance I get I’ve accompanied many young adults into the rooms of AA or Al anon, turning point because talking and just listening to others gives another perspective. I don’t know how sometimes someone says something that just clicks and I then think “why didn’t I thing of that or sh*t I knew that”. You want to go back to drink without the coke craving!!! I want mine to go onto just coke without the alcohol cravings. (Coke no Barcardi)..
Maybe wrong forum and I apologise for signing up today just to respond and my ramblings but I honestly believe attending any AA, open AA al anon can be life changing if one opens up and is of an open mind. God or ones higher power answers in very unlikely places. Being sad and driven to addiction is an experience gained which leads to a happier life, daily I drive away from confrontation, shouting , anger, despair at the gas price etc. 12step guide comes in handy DAILY. The hope of helping someone because someone helped me not knowing how; ,,,,, have a good day…… one day at a time
Hi, total coward!!??
You have reached out, outside your box, and that’s a good sign, there’s always hope.
Admission of being a prick is self awareness that’s an acceptance of coke f##g with your head and inevitably with everything thing in your life.
Addiction wants the person to feel like a coward, a coward knows fear, once you acknowledge the fear, (understand it) you can overcome it. Knowledge is power and you do have the strength within you to stop hating yourself and go to some local meetings where you’ll find other addict who want to no longer feel as you do now. Things do get better, life isn’t easy, kicking the Addiction isn’t easy, but any day without a drink or drug is bound to end better than with. Hence it gets better. Hope and faith and goodwill to you..